The one thing wrong with telling the victim, "Its not your fault"...

There are so many people today fighting tooth and nail against victim blaming, and for the most part, I agree with them. Rape, murder, thievery, bullying, abuse...none of it is ever right. My heart aches for anyone who has had to go through anything like that. I cannot even imagine the pain they feel. The victims of these crimes aren't the ones at fault, and the criminals should be punished.

However there is something that bothers me.

I know that most of the time, things happen completely out of a person's control. They took all the precautions, but something terrible still happened. Innocent people get hurt. I get that.

But then there are the stories where the victim so clearly put themselves in a bad situation, and its those stories where I am confused. Why were you there? Why were you partaking in the substances that made you so out of it that you didn't realize what was happening to you? Why did you associate yourself with people that didn't have your best interests at heart, and only sought to do you harm? Why did you stay? Why? 

When you go somewhere questionable, and there are people you don't know, and alcohol is being consumed along with who knows what...what can you only expect is going to happen? You cannot expect that complete strangers, or even so-called friends, are not going to do something incredibly stupid when they are also completely intoxicated. People are stupid, vindictive and irrational, especially when intoxicated. It was your fault for thinking that they were to be trusted in such a state. And it was your fault for putting yourself in a situation where something like that could happen. Its one thing to become a victim of a crime while just walking down the street, or in your own home...but its another thing put yourself in a questionable and possibly dangerous situation and naively expect nothing bad to ever happen.

And I'm sorry if this hits the wrong nerve, but ladies...don't advertise if you aren't selling. People love to jump on the feminist bandwagon by saying that it should never matter what a woman wears; men should control themselves. I do agree---men need to control themselves. But we live in a world where "hooking up" is common, and there are no boundaries in sex. And when you go to a place where the people and their motives are questionable, and you are showing off everything you've got...you are sending mixed messages. You are saying "Look, but don't touch." "Here's my body, but don't you dare lust over it." "I'm gonna dress like everyone else, but I expect you to treat me with a special level of respect.""Control yourself, even though I'm not controlling myself." You see what I'm saying? Double standards and mixed messages help no one. You can't have a mindset of someone with a higher standard while dressing like someone who is looking to get laid. Like it or not, how we look speaks louder about ourselves than what our words say. Your beliefs and goals get lost in what your appearance is shouting. Your closest friends may know you differently, but someone who has no thought towards your well-being and only has one goal in mind doesn't care.

One more topic that irritates me is the constant mantra, "Its never ok for a man to hit a woman." True...but its also never ok for a woman to hit a man. Men just don't get away with it as easily because they are bigger and stronger. We hear all the stories of women being physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by men. But do we ever hear the stories of men being abused by women? They happen, especially emotionally, because women are far better at striking the heart and being emotionally vindictive than men are. Men generally show rage and anger physically, whereas women use their words to cut and damage. We are so quick to tell the story of the wife who suffered years of abuse from her husband, but dismiss the idea of a husband abused by his wife with "Well, he must have deserved it." Wait...isn't that the same argument that society has been fighting with blaming the female victims of rape? Are we just turning the tables now?

Ok so maybe that was three things wrong with telling the victim "Its not your fault." But you get the idea. And I'm sorry if this comes across as judgmental, but this is what is real and raw in my heart. This is what the media will never discuss, because it goes against every progressive, feminist, liberal agenda out there.

A crime, no matter who was at fault, is never right. It is never justified, and there is always pain. But someone is always going to try to pin blame, and there are always going to be three sides to a story...yours, mine, and what really happened. The point that I would like to get across here is this: protect yourself, don't put yourself in possibly bad situations, surround yourself with people you know you can trust, and keep your hands to yourself.

CONVERSATION

3 comments:

  1. If I hear 'the "look but don't touch" is a horrible stupid concept' one more time, I'm going to flip.

    What do we do with every amazing and precious thing that we wish to share yet preserve? We display it for everyone to see and say "Look. Don't touch." Look, dammit. Look. Be amazed. Be enthralled. Wonder. But don't touch. Don't put your fingers on the Mona Lisa. Don't touch the Declaration of Independence. Don't climb the god-damn pyramids.

    Everybody gets that. There are a few jackasses who ignore the rules, but everyone knows why they're there. Everyone understands that they are amazing things to see. Everyone understands that sight doesn't equal possession. Everyone knows you'll damage and ruin these things if you handle them incorrectly.

    If we're going to be objectified, do it right. I swear.

    ~Mandy I.

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  2. "Don't advertise, if you're not selling..." the problem with this is, all you have to do is walk by to be seen as an advertisement to some, no matter who you are or how you dress.

    The problem with a lot of people is that they confuse empathy with sympathy. They feel like, so long as they say, "I'm so sorry this happened to you..." they *know* how that person feels. There's no sense of being able to actually experience the same pain or pain on a similar level.

    Speaking as someone who's experienced a lot of pain...your series of "why" questions dissolve any sympathy that someone showed me prior to the questions.

    To quote someone else, "If you leave your car unlocked and someone breaks in and steals stuff, you were still violated, whether you should have locked the car or not. It doesn't make the crime your fault, although it would have been smarter to lock the car, the criminal still made the choice to violate you and break into the car. He knew better."

    Whether you mean to or not, you're still victim-blaming. And I'm telling you right now...if you were to say these exact words to someone who's been in this kind of situation, this will only make their false guilt and shame worse. And if it were me? I would never again place my confidence or trust in someone who said this to me.

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