Hannah's Heartstrings

Its been a good month. Well, month and a half now that I’m getting to writing this. The wedding went beautifully, the honeymoon was so much fun, and the beginning of our life after has been full of relaxing and enjoying spending lots of time together. And I've learned a few significant things.

I guess I could better say that I've been slowly learning these things over the past 2+ years of knowing Kyle. But they have become especially significant since being around him 24/7 for extended periods of time. Its so true that things start to feel different once you’re with someone all the time. Its one thing to go on a date, or even spend a few days in each others’ presence. But its another thing to live side by side and do everything you would normally do on an average daily basis together. 

Therefore, these are the things that have been heavily on my mind during our first month of marriage.



Being married is all about your perspective. Perspective is huge. Its easy to be nice to someone when you have stars and hearts flying around your head. But keeping that attitude when that person isn't listening, is grumpy, or is just having a bad day...yeah, that's when the challenge comes.
I can't control how my husband treats me. I cannot coerce or dictate his level of romance. I am the only one I can control. It is not up to me to make sure he is loving me enough or being romantic enough to me. My only job is to make sure I am seeing to his needs, loving on him enough, doing above and beyond for him.
My attitude is crucial. How I react and behave is the crux of everything. "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" said it best: "The man may be the head, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she likes." We women do not realize the power we possess.

For instance, if Kyle is playing a video game and I am bored and want him to spend time with me, I can do one of two things. 1) I can pout and act mad and whine that he isn't paying attention to me. Or... 2) I can take an interest in what he is doing, cuddle up next to him and watch him until he is done.  It's all my choice. Either be happy that he's there with me or whine and make myself miserable. After all, he's a guy and if there is nothing important to do at the moment, there's no reason why he shouldn't enjoy slaying  a few zombies. How I react totally determines the rest of our night.

Yes, obviously guys need to step up, be men, treat their wives beautifully, take care of us, and be our heroes. But not at our bidding. We are not to dictate their behavior towards us. We are only to focus on our behavior towards them and in doing so, invite and entice our knights in shining armor to play their part.

I've written before about applying grace. This falls along the same lines.



We don't have to be perfect. We don't have to have it all together. I don't need to stress out about little stupid things. In twenty years, I won't remember any of it anyways. Odds are, I won't remember that, a month after the wedding, we still didn't have our bed frame set up and there were still boxes of things that needed unpacked. I likely won't remember the amount of time I spent thinking about things I probably could have decided in a few minutes.

Odds are, I'll remember the little things I took advantage of. The way my wedding bouquet looked in that vase on the table. Getting into tickle fights and laughing so hard I could barely breathe. How excited we were the first few times I didn't have to leave the apartment at night to go back to his parents house, or when he could take me home from an event with him. Snuggling in front of a movie. The first bible conference we went together where we actually got to have our own room!! Those are the things I want to remember.

Things are probably going to get difficult. We aren't guaranteed an easy ride in life. All we can do is work hard, be faithful and kind to each other, deal in grace and make the best of every situation. This is our life and we choose how to live it. We have chosen, out of the millions of people on this planet, to spend our lives with each other. We could have picked other people. But no. I chose him and he chose me. We made our choices and now every day must live fulfilling the promises we made to each other.

It doesn't have to be hard. It goes back to that perspective thing. Your attitude is what makes things hard, for the most part. It may not be easy all the time. But it doesn't have to be miserable.

Oh Hello.

Its you.

I can tell you’re surprised to see me. You don’t say anything, barely a greeting, and quickly avert your eyes from mine. I would give you a hug, but I decide I probably shouldn't. You wouldn't like it.

I had hoped there would be a slight chance you’d be glad to see me. Just a glimmer, a smile, a sparkle in your eyes that let me know you still felt even the tiniest bit of love for me. But there’s nothing. Not even a hint. I am less than nothing to you. We are worse than strangers, for we can never become friends.

Do  you remember? Remember that time in your life when I meant something to you?

I remember.

I remember you saying I was your best friend. Your sister. You were the one I confided in and could pour my heart out to.

Your friendship was so important to me. You meant so much to me.

But maybe it wasn't really the friendship I thought it was. What was I really, to you, if you could throw me away that easily? Friends should be able to survive disagreements. It shouldn't be the means of ripping us apart forever.

I know we've established that we were both in the wrong. We both hurt each other. But I’m not here to dig up old scars. I've moved on. I've forgiven you. Honestly, I can’t even remember what the initial argument was about.

All I really want to say is how much I miss you.

I miss your voice, your laugh, the quirky things you’d do, your crazy opinions and thought patterns. I miss never really quite being able to figure you out, and feeling like I could be myself around you. I miss our adventures, our late night talks and giggly, squishy girl hugs.

I miss what I know will never be again.

This is the chance encounter that will likely never happen. These are the words I can never say, the letter I've written a thousand times in my mind that I will never send. The phone call neither of us would make. I would try. In a heartbeat I would pick up the phone and call you. But you've already deemed it pointless.

Okay, yes…losing you was for the best. I guess we needed separation. Perhaps we were too close. Now that I find myself with the husband of my dreams, I can see how our relationship may have interfered with my marriage. But still I wish it had been on better terms.

I wish you could forgive me. I wish that you could show me grace and try to understand me. I wish that reconciliation was an option in your heart.

I wish you could still love me.