The words I can't say

Oh Hello.

Its you.

I can tell you’re surprised to see me. You don’t say anything, barely a greeting, and quickly avert your eyes from mine. I would give you a hug, but I decide I probably shouldn't. You wouldn't like it.

I had hoped there would be a slight chance you’d be glad to see me. Just a glimmer, a smile, a sparkle in your eyes that let me know you still felt even the tiniest bit of love for me. But there’s nothing. Not even a hint. I am less than nothing to you. We are worse than strangers, for we can never become friends.

Do  you remember? Remember that time in your life when I meant something to you?

I remember.

I remember you saying I was your best friend. Your sister. You were the one I confided in and could pour my heart out to.

Your friendship was so important to me. You meant so much to me.

But maybe it wasn't really the friendship I thought it was. What was I really, to you, if you could throw me away that easily? Friends should be able to survive disagreements. It shouldn't be the means of ripping us apart forever.

I know we've established that we were both in the wrong. We both hurt each other. But I’m not here to dig up old scars. I've moved on. I've forgiven you. Honestly, I can’t even remember what the initial argument was about.

All I really want to say is how much I miss you.

I miss your voice, your laugh, the quirky things you’d do, your crazy opinions and thought patterns. I miss never really quite being able to figure you out, and feeling like I could be myself around you. I miss our adventures, our late night talks and giggly, squishy girl hugs.

I miss what I know will never be again.

This is the chance encounter that will likely never happen. These are the words I can never say, the letter I've written a thousand times in my mind that I will never send. The phone call neither of us would make. I would try. In a heartbeat I would pick up the phone and call you. But you've already deemed it pointless.

Okay, yes…losing you was for the best. I guess we needed separation. Perhaps we were too close. Now that I find myself with the husband of my dreams, I can see how our relationship may have interfered with my marriage. But still I wish it had been on better terms.

I wish you could forgive me. I wish that you could show me grace and try to understand me. I wish that reconciliation was an option in your heart.

I wish you could still love me. 



  1. Hi Hannah! I had a question for you about possibly collaborating on something and was hoping you could email me back to discuss? Thanks so much!

    - Emma

    emmabanks9 (at) gmail (dot) com


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