The following entries are my heartthrobs over the past couple days, dealing with fear and realizing something about my life.


July 9, 2011

I am such a fearful creature. I am afraid of so much. I fear, most of all, confrontation, broken bones, house fires and romance. The first three, I often have good reasons to fear. But romance...yeah. Now that is where I confuse myself. I think it is actually myself that I am afraid of. Roamnce is something I want so much and long for. I've been burnt a few times, so I am afraid to say or show how I feel...
I am so afraid.
I fear that what I want isn't real, and that I dream too big.
I am afraid that my world may fall apart at any moment and all that I love will slip through my fingers.

"But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says do not be afraid
The voice of truth says this is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe
The voice of truth."
(Casting Crowns)

I need to listen to that song more often.
God, I cannot ask that you take away my fear. I can ask that you give me the strength to conquer the things that I fear and believe in your voice that tells me you have it all under control. You will make my biggest dreams come true in far more glorious ways than I can imagine them.


July 10, 2011

Perhaps I set my heart too high on earthly things. My affections, I see, for the things of this world are too deep. How much I treasure my possessions, my relationships, my time here! What if I had to live without the things I cherish so much? I take a look back at the things I fear. Why do I fear them?
I fear house fires mostly because I do not want to lose the things I have put so much of myself into, most of all, my writings.
I fear broken bones because I fear the pain it would bring to my earthly body.
I fear confrontation because it threatens the relationships I hold so dear.
I fear romance---well, for two reasons really, I fear that I may never experience it, and I fear myself for all the reasons I mentioned before.
So really, my fears are all based on my own fleshly, earthly affections. The only true thing I have to be afraid of is the condition of my soul, and because I know that my hope is in Heaven and my salvation is secure, I have nothing to fear.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is not fiction. this is my story, but this is reality. I have the free will to choose my own plot, but I am not in control. And I cannot change my story once it's been written, nor can I abandon it and start over. This is the only story I am going to get. And the people in my story are real. I cannot mess around with them like the characters in my fictitious scribblings. This is real and its all I am going to get. I have to make the most of it and not waste it or mess it up.
Here there is no delete, no backspace, no eraser. Its all forward from here. I have one chance to write this correctly. God, help me not blow it.

~Hannah