Hannah's Heartstrings

Dear Music, Magazines, Celebrities, Advertisements, Movies, and anything having to do with American culture...

Dear World-as-we-know-it...

Please stop.

Please stop telling people, especially the young ones, that drugs, tobacco and alcohol are okay. Because they aren't. I'm so tired of seeing the lives of the people I love ruined, or at the very least, damaged by these addictive substances. You keep playing it all up as the cool thing to do. You give them a sparkling fantasy, a fun way to bond with friends, something to numb whatever feelings they don't want at the moment. You give them an answer, but you don't even know the question.

Please stop telling people that its okay to have sex with whomever suits your fancy. Stop saying that its okay to do it casually, that its just a natural part of life and should be treated with no more reverence than a handshake. You are ruining the real beauty, and leaving people even more heartbroken than they were. Quit making beautiful things like sex so common.

Why do you hurt everything that is good? You take something good and innocent, and you twist it into a dark, perverted mass that can no longer enjoy the real beauty.

All you do is lie. You tell them that its all okay, its all good, enjoy, have fun. And then they tell me that I have to be okay with their choices. I'm not. I will never stop loving them, but I will never be okay with your lies which they have accepted as truth.

My heart is breaking. And its all your fault.

To my friend.

I'm waiting.

Remember that scene in Fireproof when all he can do is wait? He's done everything, and now all he can do is pray, hope and wait for some kind of a response from his wife. He knows he may never get one. But still he waits. Patient. Aching. Hopeful.

I know how that feels.

I remember doing a lot of waiting during my single years. Waiting to meet someone. Waiting and hoping to see if that person reciprocated interest. Waiting to see if this was the right person. Getting let down when it wasn't. I cannot explain the relief I felt on my wedding day. That's right. I was relieved. I had found my love, and he was truly and completely mine. I didn't have to wait to have him anymore.

But that's not the kind of waiting I'm doing right now.

I'm waiting for you.

I've reached out again, attempting to reenter your world. Inviting you back into mine.

Perhaps its just my personality. But I am having a hard time letting you go. I've been told I should. People come and go in our lives all the time, and we have to learn to let people go. But I'm not ready to do that with you. I thought I was. But the ache in my heart won't go away, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm over it.

You were my friend. My sister. We shared such a sweet bond. How can I just let that go?

If you tell me that this is futile, that you can never and will never forgive me, then I will let go once and for all. But I need something. Anything.

So for now...

...I'm waiting.

You really have no idea how ecstatically excited I am about this. I mean, literally, I almost cried when it was finished, and I jumped and danced around the kitchen for a good fifteen minutes after taking the first bite.

I am just elated over this.

I have not had pumpkin pie for over four years.


This year, I was determined to figure out how to make it so I could eat it.

It started with putting some pumpkin puree in a smoothie. Hey that was pretty good...with some pumpkin pie spice, it tasted like pie. The hankering has begun.

I read up on some other recipes for super vegan pies based with nuts and coconut milk/butter/oil. So I took bits and pieces of different ideas, plus one or two of my own...and this happened.


I soaked 1 cup of raw cashews overnight, and then pulverized them in my Magic Bullet.


Then I added about 1/2 cup of pumpkin puree, 1-2 TBSP of warm, melty coconut butter, and sweetened with stevia.

That's the filling.

The Crust: I pulverized some almonds (enough to make about 1/2-3/4 cup of course flour), added stevia to sweeten and 1-2 TBSP of warm coconut oil and a little scoop of coconut oil to help it harden up better.



I smooshed the crust mixture into the bottom of my springform pan. So really, this is more of a pumpkin cheesecake than a pie. But anyways. That's what I did.

Poured in the filling...



...and let it sit in the fridge for a couple hours. Really, because of the nature of coconut butter/oil, only an hour or so of refrigeration is needed. Its awesome. So quick and easy!!

And there you have it. The best, most happiest thing I have tasted in my whole life. Well, at least in the past four years. Well, one of the best... :)

{Warning: This is a rant. This is not pointed at anyone in particular. This is simply how I feel and what I am never able to say to people.)


It would be a gross understatement to say that food is a big part of my life. Sometimes I feel that food IS my life. Figuring out what to eat, shopping for it, preparing, learning new ways to make the best of what I have. And having a good attitude about it.

For those that may not know, I live on a diet made up of vegetables, nuts, beans and a small bit of fruit. And that’s it. I’ve been working on this diet for over four years. I have eliminated all of the following: wheat, gluten, grains of any sort (including rice and oats), caffeine, corn, sugar, all artificial colorings and sweeteners, potatoes, squash (with the exception of pumpkin), chocolate, soy and most vinegars.

It’s part of my journey to cure myself from a form of what I have come to call hormonal and diet-related epilepsy.

Its always interesting to tell people about my food life and what I do or don’t eat. They tend to stare at me, jaw dropped and eyes blinking, as if they can’t possibly imagine how someone could eat like I do. Then the questions come and unbelief deepens, especially when I tell then I never, ever cheat.

I think a lot more than I say, most of the time. I bite my tongue a lot, and simply just shake my head or shrug my shoulders.

I try so hard not to be a “food snob”, or get irritated with people. But sometimes…

This is what I’m really thinking.

“So, you’re like a celiac? My {insert random family member} is celiac and its so hard knowing what to feed her!”

Yes and no. I don’t label myself that because its so much more than that. I don’t have the common symptoms a true celiac does.

I also do not follow the popular “gluten free” diet. That diet is based on the common gluten free grain: CORN. Which in most cases is genetically modified. And even if it is organic, its still going to cause a ton of inflammation. AND odds are your awesome gluten free food is laced with extra sugar to make it taste better. Going gluten free the way a lot of people do it is a lose-lose situation.

You don’t know what to feed your celiac friend? Hello. Get out of the mindset that every meal has to have some sort of pasta, bread, muffin, cookie or other grain based object in it! Get some veggies, even potatoes and rice, and you’ll all be better off.

“You can’t eat bread or pasta or potatoes??? What do you eat??”

Man. You say that like there literally is nothing else to eat in the world. I hope you realize there are other foods than that!

And didn’t I just tell you? I eat VEGETABLES (lots of them), NUTS, BEANS and some fruit. Its really amazing how full you can get from those foods, and how many things you can do with them. Quit thinking of a salad as a side dish. Quit thinking of nuts as a snack. The difference between you and me is that I don’t fill my stomach with empty calories. My body benefits from every single bite of food I eat. There is nothing I eat that I can’t tell you has some sort of nutritional health benefit. Unlike your bowl of cheesy pasta, which has very little value and is probably just going to give you inflammation…which in turn will make you go to your doctor and he’ll diagnose you with arthritis and give you a whole lotta blah-blah-blah unless he’s smart and he’ll tell you to just back off the pasta. Simple.

I eat more and better food than you likely will ever imagine eating. I am not lacking. I am not hungry. I don’t struggle with excessive weight gain like you do. On top of that I have better willpower and self control than you will probably ever have because I have to. I CHOOSE TO.

“I don’t think I could ever eat like that! I couldn’t give up {insert favorite fatty food}!!”

Get over yourself. You could eat like that. People don’t die from a lack of pizza, potato chips and ice cream. Actually people would live longer and have much better quality of life if they did eliminate those foods!

How about this…just don’t even go here with me. Don’t tell me you “can’t” give up or live without some favorite food. You’re just being a big whiny child. If you’re going to say anything to me about this, just come out and admit you just have bad willpower and just don’t want to not eat what you want to eat. I’ll have more respect for that than  “I can’t live without…”

There are only a few things in this world necessary to your survival. Water, nourishment, a way to keep warm, a roof over your head. Everything else is a luxury. Everything you say you couldn’t live without is purely for your enjoyment and has nothing to do with your survival.

“You should go to an allergist and get checked out and find out what you’re allergic to. Then maybe you could have some of those foods again!”

Um…I had seizures. And when I eliminated foods, I stopped having them. When I eat certain things, especially during certain times of the month, I am prone to having seizures. Don’t you think that’s test enough??

Just because I’ve never gone to a doctor doesn’t mean I don’t know how to heal myself. Quit treating your doctor like a god. He is not the be-all-end-all of health. Maybe if you quit depending on him so much and started learning and studying for yourself, you wouldn’t be in his office as much.

And do I LOOK like I’m lacking? I am a well proportioned twenty-four year old woman whose only health need at this point is to exercise a little more (there I’ll admit that one). I’m definitely not malnourished. I never go hungry. The food I eat is amazing. So tell me again how I’m suffering from not eating the foods you think are so important?

“Here, you want a {insert food}? Oh wait…sorry…you can’t have that.”

Yeah. Thanks for reminding me again of how I can no longer participate in the world-wide tradition of bonding with my loved ones over all our favorite foods.

Thanks for reminding me that smell is now my only connection with all the seasonal favorites such as hot cocoa, pumpkin pie, Christmas cookies, and Thanksgiving turkey.

Thanks for reminding me of the nervousness that comes from serving someone food I’ve made for them because I can’t taste it to know if its good or not.

Thanks for reminding me that I have to stand on the sidelines and watch everyone else eat my birthday cake.

Thanks for reminding me that I can’t go out for ice cream with my husband, or meet a friend for coffee, or eat at most of the restaurants in town.

Thanks for reminding me that this is my life.

Yeah. That’s sarcasm.


This has turned into a longer rant than I expected. If you’ve actually made it through all that, then I applaud you.

Despite my generally positive attitude about my food life, I have days just like the rest of you where I get frustrated and discouraged. I have literally blocked most food options from my brain and only ever allow myself to think about eating what I know is good for me. That is how I get through cooking for my husband or anyone else. I don’t give myself the option of eating “normal” food. My only choice…the only one I give myself…is what is on my short list. Period.

But then there are the days. Someone makes a comment, whether uneducated, unfeeling, or just out of the embarrassment of not being able to feed me whatever they’ve prepared. And those comments pile up in my heart and remind me of what I’m missing. While everyone else is gushing over how wonderful something tastes, I just have to stand and smile. While everyone is celebrating with a birthday cake or holiday meal, I just have to sit there and wait, wishing everyone would eat faster so this meal would be over sooner.

But I’m fine. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it absolutely doesn’t bother me. Because of the food life I have come to claim as mine, I’m strong enough to handle people and their half-thought-out comments and actions. Because of what I go through on a daily basis, I choose not to let it bother me. But everyone needs to vent sometimes.

Stop feeling sorry for me. Eat your food, enjoy it, be happy, whatever. And let me do the same. Try being happy for me, giving me a pat on the back, instead of mourning over the food I can’t eat. I don’t sit around moping and whining because I can‘t eat the same food as everyone else…so why should you?

Quit pitying me. I need your encouragement, not your pity. I’m better off and healthier than you are anyways.