To Kiss or Not To Kiss?

I recently shared an article on Facebook from Feelin’ Feminine on the subject of kissing. It created a little bit of a stir, and since I had been thinking about this topic lately, I thought I should better explain my thoughts and where I stand.

When I was ten years old my mom first impressed upon me this idea of saving one’s first kiss for the wedding. It was then that I made a promise to God and myself to keep my kiss. At first it was just the respect of young girl for her mother’s opinions, but as I grew up, it became much more than that. I began to read courtship stories online, and various articles about first kisses. I was intrigued with this idea that a couple would actually wait to kiss for the very first time until they were married. The movies I watched and the books I read defied this idea…I was about thirteen when I read Janette Oke’s Love Comes Softly series, full of kisses by unwed people. Sure it was sweet and the characters generally married the people they kissed. But then I would go back to the “kiss saver” stories I’d read, and think just how much more special that was!

I was about 18 when the world of online forums entered my life in the form of Homeschool Opinions and discussions abounded, and every thread I found showed that this subject had been hashed and rehashed a thousand times. The sides were almost even. Some said “Save your first kiss!” Others insisted, “What’s the big deal?” Of course, this all made me wonder. Really…what IS the big deal?

No, it isn’t really a Biblical issue. Yes, I could bring up a whole slew of verses about guarding one’s heart, or use the one that Feelin’ Feminine did about not awakening love before the proper time. You could use these verses in any context. But I think that this is more of a moral and cultural issue.

Our world culture tries to tell us that kissing is fine, everyone does it, and it doesn’t really mean anything. Of course, they try using this line of thought for drugs, alcohol and premarital sexual relations, too. Everyone does it. What’s the big deal?

But hang on and look at what our culture really says. Take a look at any of your favorite books or movies. Whenever two people kiss, something changes. They don’t just go on living and act like nothing happened. The look in their eyes after the kiss tells something deep. The secret communication, even across a room, that happens when they meet again, says that there was more in that kiss than just two sets of lips touching. Think of Anakin and Padme. Aragorn and Arwen. Nathaniel and Cora. The list is endless. A kiss is something special.

So why do we try to make it not special?

One person in a forum discussion stated “That’s an awful lot of firsts for one night.” Wait a second. If this is our logic towards kissing, it’s flawed. An awful lot of firsts for one night? So, what…you’re saying you should get in some practice before the wedding? Hmm…this is where things get shaky.

If you think kissing is okay before marriage because you don’t want things to be “that awkward” on your wedding night, and you think that’s too many firsts for one night, than we’ve got some priorities mixed up. Isn’t that the whole point of your “first night”? If it isn’t your first night, then what is it? And if we follow this logic, then isn’t having sexual relations before the wedding okay too? Talk about a lot of firsts on one night. You’ve practiced kissing…what about the rest? Why draw a line?

Of course, some would throw into this argument, “Why are you picking on kissing? What about hugs? Isn’t that just as bad?” Well, no, I wouldn’t say, but that would depend on the context of the hug. I don’t go around hugging everyone. The guys I hug are few, and they are only of the best of my friends. I mostly hug my girlfriends. But I don’t kiss them. Humans are physical beings, and that is how a lot of people show love, and a lot of people have a hard time feeling loved without some sort of physical contact. Even babies who are barely old enough to walk will wrap their arms around you, and they have no idea what sexual love is. A hug, in a loving friendly context, is not the same as a kiss. Hugs are comforting, encouraging, and happy.

A kiss, between a man and a woman, is something different entirely. You can see it in the eyes of people who kiss for the first time. The wonder and excitement is there as they search each other’s faces to see if they felt the same electricity. In the movie The Princess Diaries 2: The Royal Engagement, the heroine finds herself engaged to a man she does not love. When they both realize this, he kisses her and they both admit that there was no “spark” between them. They used a kiss to find this out. Hello! This scene again and again reminds me that there is something deep and special about a kiss.

I still have my first kiss…I’ve never kissed a guy over the age of one. I plan on still having my first kiss at my wedding. And I’m not here to condemn anyone. If you’re not married and you’ve already kissed your beloved, then that is your choice. If you can kiss and save the rest for your first night, then good for you…you’ve done better than most.

But I would challenge your thinking. Remember that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and what you do reflects God. Does kissing before your married show the world Christ in you? When all the world around you is kissing and doing everything else without consequence or care, would you not be a greater light if you bucked that trend, and did something different? Waiting is not easy. No one ever said it was. But think of being able to say to the world “We are saving our kisses for when we are married.” Think of being able to stand up on your wedding day, and declare to everyone “I have honored this person that I am now committing the rest of my life to by keeping my first kiss for him/her to share on this our wedding day.” Think of how the words “You may now kiss the bride” will hold a brand new meaning for you.

Just think.



  1. Just remember that there's someone else involved in the decision, too. =)

  2. Yes, Evan, which is why it is important for me to find a guy that values these things the same way I do.

  3. I personally was fine with kissing upon engagement. Jonathan wants to wait 'til he is married to first kiss and so I'm am very much looking forward to that day and quite happy to save it 'til then. :)

    I don't view it as a better Christian/lesser Christian thing, it's a personal choice that each couple should agree upon ahead of time.

    But man, I know it's gonna be so very sweet when we do share our first kiss ^_^

  4. Hey Hannah!! I really enjoyed this post dearie!! As you probably know, Caleb and I have made the commitment to save our kiss for our wedding day and I think we our stronger for it. My, we didn't even hold hands until after we were engaged and it's still not excessively.

    As far as what Evan said, if one person in the relationship is ok with kissing before their wedding and the other isn't comfortable with it, then the person who is comfortable, needs to respect the other's wishes.So if they can't, they're not ready for a relationship. It's all part of instilling trust in the each other. Knowing that the other person respects your wishes, does wonders for a relationship. You're certainly not hurt by not kissing before the wedding.

  5. Much has been made on the topic of whether to kiss or not before or after the wedding. Here's my take on it:

    1. The only union designed to bond a man and woman together is sex. Kissing is peppered all throughout scripture, whether guy on girl, guy on guy, or girl on girl. Nothing is made of it. In fact the Scriptures admonish to "greet with a holy kiss". (Romans 16:16) If there was something "magical" about kissing in the way that bonded a man and woman together it would be enumerated in the Scriptures. The fact that it isn't leads me to believe that kissing as we now look at it is cultural not genetic.

    2. Commitment begins way before the woman proclaims "I do". The commitment to marry in some conservative circles must be given before the courtship even begins, but in most circumstances the commitment to the other person begins the moment "Yes" is the answer to the ultimate question. Generally speaking, a kiss seals that commitment.

    3. Although i'm placing this reason third in line, it is potentially the biggest. Pride. One of the reasons that people often cite as to why they are waiting for the kiss is to tell everyone else that they saved it for the wedding. That only smacks of pride to me. The Scriptures tell us that we when do good deeds, do them in secret. (Matthew 6:1) For all of the reasons to save the first kiss for the wedding, that one biblically is the worst.

    Just some thoughts to ponder Hannah.

  6. Good thoughts Jason. I have, in one way or the other, pondered along these lines. But still I feel a strong importance to save my kissing, for all the reasons I stated above.

  7. Very good backfiring on Evan I think your post is very good the Bible says nothing about not kissing until you get married.But if you want to wait until your married that's your business.I believe the same thing waiting. I have some close friends who have gotten married they say it's a good choice they made, and that they would not do it any other way. I enjoyed reading please keep posting your thoughts. It's nice to have people who think the same as me. :)

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  9. What kind of kissing are you speaking of? All kisses are not equal. Saying you kissed a one year old boy (undoubtedly a peck on the lips) and comparing that with your wedding kiss (most couples feel the need to make a big show of a French kiss) is embarrassing at best, and open to a broad amount of interpretation.

    So what's /your/ favorite forbidden variety of kiss? ;)

  10. I am talking about romantic, man-and-woman, adult kisses, Klaus. I was not comparing kissing a one year old to a wedding kiss. I was merely being cute and ever so slightly sarcastic.

  11. As was I. :) You may want to check out my FB note responding indirectly to this. There have been a few good responses.


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