Hannah's Heartstrings

I've always been critical of my body. I'm incredibly self-conscious too, which leads to great social anxiety. I worry way too much about what other people think, and rarely have a good opinion about myself.

So when I made a human with this body of mine, I decided to try something new.

I was devastated when I hopped on the scale for the first time about a month after I'd pushed that new little person out into the world. I had banned scales from my life for a long time but since none of my clothes fit and my belly wasn't going anywhere, I decided to see what had become of myself.

Shock. Horror. Sakes alive, what on earth have I done?

Oh sure, it was all fun and games when I was pregnant and enthralled with my growing waistline. I thought it was laughable when my pants were too small. Hey, I was pregnant! Bring on the french fries! Its all baby anyways...right??

I wasn't laughing anymore when I was left with only maternity clothes to wear and a saggy belly with no muscle tone whatsoever that made me look about five months pregnant long after birth.

But I kept telling myself, "Its ok...remember you just made a person with this body! Love it! Embrace it! BODY POSITIVITY!!" This is, after all, what the world shouts at women like me on a daily basis.

So I bought some bigger clothes and went about my postpartum recovery like no big deal. Maybe this is my new normal, I thought. Maybe I just have to learn to love the fact that I am easily 50+ pounds heavier than I would like to be. Maybe I just have to get used to my knees hurting and wearing plus size clothing. Curves are beautiful too, right?

So I tried out this way of thinking for a few months, all the while cursing everything I'd ever been told about how your baby weight just falls off when you breastfeed (worst lie ever).

I tried.

I tried being content with my new body, loving it regardless of what size it was. I tried giving myself a break and justifying my choices by blaming it on the little one sleeping in my arms. I tried moving on and being happy with myself.

But it didn't work.

This time, being "body positive" failed me.

I saw a picture of myself playing with my son, and I nearly cried. There I was, smiling, joyful, and yet I hardly recognized myself. This was not ok with me.

I finally faced myself and was honest. This is not who I am. I am better than this. I am not a lazy, complacent, overweight girl trying desperately to convince myself that I am ok. I do not give up like this. I have not worked so hard to fix my health in other areas only to be slovenly and ignorant in this one. Where is the inspired girl I once was? I am better than this. I can do better than this. I can be better than this.

I know that my happiness is not defined by the size pants I wear. I get that. I know that my body has done something incredible and therefore deserves a little grace. I agree. But the complacency of being "body positive" without positively working to improve my body did nothing but riddle me with guilt and self-loathing.

Because where does it stop? What happens if I have another baby, and gain more weight with that pregnancy? Do I just keep gaining and gaining till I'm three or four hundred pounds? All in the name of being body positive?

I don't want be the mom that avoids getting her picture taken, or when she does, later grits her teeth at the sight of it and can't even appreciate the sweet moment with her baby because she's too overwhelmed by what she sees in herself there. I want to be able to run and play with my boy, to get down on the floor and build Lego cities with him without my saggy belly getting in the way, and simply to feel good about myself again.

Preaching body positivity without positive improvement of one's body is nothing but a cop out. It may be a great way to get around the guilt of being overweight and unhealthy, but it is far from positive. If we want to be positive about our bodies, we need to never stop working to improve them. We must quit using our babies and our pregnancies as excuses to be fat and lazy. It's one thing to love our bodies...it's another thing to throw our hands in the air and say, "Whatever. This is as good as its gonna get!"

If we truly love our bodies, we will get up off of our fat, lazy butts and move. We will eat well, and seek to nourish ourselves rather than just satisfy ourselves. We will recognize that while pregnancy may be exhausting, growing a human is no reason to give up on healthy eating and exercise.

Love may conquer all, but love should never sit idly by and watch the world burn. We can love our bodies without letting them fall apart.

In an effort to teach children about consent, we are creating a society of people that believes that they always get exactly what they want and never have to do anything they aren't comfortable with. I believe this is because we are meshing issues that were never meant to be meshed.

In this video, the idea is brought up that parents are accidentally teaching kids that their consent to sexual activity doesn't matter by forcing them to shake hands/hug relatives, by teaching them to respect their elders and so on. The lady in the video expresses that by doing these things, we are telling our kids that they don't have a choice and what they feel doesn't matter, so when it comes time for them to start being sexually active (apparently sometime in their teens), they will be hesitant to ever say no to someone because it will appear rude.

While I totally agree that children need to be taught that no one is allowed to forcibly touch them in an inappropriate way, I believe that these issues are not the same and should not be lumped together into one lesson.

My parents made me shake hands with people and I was told on many occasions to hug my relatives. I was taught to be respectful to my elders and obey adults that were placed in authority over me. And when it came time for me to be in a romantic relationship, I never felt that I could not tell my boyfriend/fiancee that I was uncomfortable with something, no matter how simple or complicated it was. I never felt that I had to keep being in an uncomfortable situation because i might appear rude if I got up and left.

But here is the difference. My parents also taught me something that overruled any idea that my consent wasn't important. They taught me to protect my body. They taught me to respect myself and that my body was special. I knew that I needed to save my body for one special person, and that person should be the one I have committed to spend the rest of my life with.

This is not a popular teaching anymore. We now live in a word of sexual carelessness, preached in the name of expressing yourself. Everything is based on how you feel, and boundaries are yours to choose, even if they are non-existent.

We are creating a generation of selfish, whiny, feelings-driven, promiscuous, irresponsible, wanna-be adults.

I may not have any children of my own, but I have been around them long enough to know a few things (I figured I should get that out there before the thunder of comments began about how a childless woman has no knowledge of raising children). I know that children, especially small ones, do not have the maturity to make proper decisions most of the time. That's why they have parents, and why parents are told to "train up a child in the way that he should go" (Prov. 22:6). Children have small minds, and need guidance to learn how to make proper decisions.

In the video mentioned, the woman talks about how parents don't listen to their children's requests or comments, and end up just telling them what they should think instead of inviting a conversation about what the child does think. She used examples like the child saying "I'm cold", and parent responding "No, you're not, it's hot in here!" Or child: "I'm hungry", and parent: "No, you're not...you just ate dinner!"
She suggested turning it into a conversation and asking the child why they are cold or hungry, instead of just telling them what they should think. In doing so, we are telling them that their opinion does matter.

Now, I see the point, but the problem with this is that in doing so, we are not teaching our children how to have self-control. There are situations sometimes that are beyond your control, such as standing in a funeral home, or sitting in the cart while mommy does grocery shopping. It's uncomfortable, sure. But that fact is that if the parent is constantly catering to the child's every whim and desire, they are not learning that sometimes you just have to suck it up, shut up, stand still and be patient. You are hungry? Ok, but you aren't starving to death. You can wait. You are bored/tired? You'll be ok for a few more minutes. You are not in danger, you are not sick or hurt. The world does not revolve around you. 

And yet there is the logic that was used to create the idea that we are teaching kids that their voice doesn't matter. See? You're telling kids that what they feel isn't important, so now when someone tries to push sex on them, they are going to think that their feelings about it aren't important!

You are comparing apples to oranges. Teaching a child self-control by making them wait patiently in a checkout line or in the car or at a place where they are just clearly not interested has nothing to do with teaching them how to respect their body and protect it.

I knew as a kid that no one was allowed to touch me down there. I knew that if ever I felt uncomfortable with someone, I needed to leave the situation and tell my mom. My mom also was very aware of my surroundings when I was a young, dumb kid whose brain hadn't matured yet and knew what situations not to place me in. I knew that I wanted to save my body for someone special, and that someone special was going to be the man I married. I knew that sex was God's gift to married men and women, and it was not some thing to be played around with by irresponsible young adults that had no intention of getting married.

So you see, I was taught about consent, but my parents didn't mix it with learning how to be a patient, well-behaved child in public. The issues are separate, and mixing them just creates the multitudes of out-of-control kids I see running all over their parents and creating embarrassing spectacles in grocery stores. Parents have become so afraid to harm their tender little personalities or to make them feel like their choices don't matter. Guess what, kid....until you no longer need to be reminded to brush your teeth in the morning, don't need help bathing, can make your own food and take care of yourself when you get the flu...you are an immature child that needs the help of a mature adult to make good decisions. And until you have sufficiently learned how to be a responsible part of society, you are just an immature teenager that needs guidance from a mature adult.

Teaching a child self-control and patience seems to be a lost art today. I grew up in a circle where children were expected to behave themselves and sit in less-than-exciting situations for extended periods of time. We grew up knowing to keep our hands to ourselves and to not let other people touch us inappropriately. We were brought to respect ourselves and to respect others. We never felt like our opinions didn't matter and we knew that our parents would talk to us and guide us in the way that we should go.

We weren't raised perfect, but we weren't raised sissies.

Quit making issues out of things that aren't meant to be that way. Stop making excuses and trying to come up with reasons why kids are being sexually abused. It happens because we live in a fallen, sinful creation. Its never right, and never the kids' fault. How about we try teaching the adults to respect children and know their own boundaries? Oh yeah...its probably cause they were taught as kids to do whatever made them FEEL good and do whatever they thought was right.