Hannah's Heartstrings

So yeah. Its on Netflix, and I've always been curious, so I've been watching it. For some reason I really enjoy medical dramas. I guess they make me feel better about living my healthy lifestyle.

The show has its moments. Its ridiculously dramatic, so much so that Kyle can't even watch it with me because he just laughs at it all and critiques more than normal. The amount of relationship hopping that these characters do...wow. And most of them are so emotionally messed up, its a wonder they even function on a daily basis. But still, the show has its moments.

So naturally there are a few thoughts that have arisen while watching this show. And naturally, I feel the need to blog about them. So here we go...

{WARNING: Spoilers and strong subject matter.}

You do not have the right to demand acceptance/approval.
I'm sorry. You just don't. If you do something that you know people around you are probably not going to be ok with, you need to know that they do not automatically have to welcome your questionable decision with open arms.
Callie knew that her father would not be exactly happy about her dating a girl, and when he was appropriately upset, she instantly threw out the "Why can't you just accept me for who I am?" card. She retaliated by cutting him out of her life. Um, sorry, but he isn't the enemy here! You don't get mad with someone because they choose to stand against something they believe is wrong. You don't get to shove your choice in their face and demand that they be ok with it. It is their God-given right to not approve of choices they believe are wrong. You don't have to agree.
And quit meshing acceptance with approval. They are not the same. I have said this many times before...I can still love you and accept you, but I am under no obligation to approve of the choices you make. It is my right to choose the things I approve of and allow in my life.
So you don't get to demand that.
Get over it.

Sex is not the open door to a relationship.
Literally, like, every single character romance in that show begins with physical contact of some sort. They haven't even gone on a date, and they've slept together. Its so predictable. They see each other, end up attracted, there's kissing, then all of a sudden there's sex. The next day, they are super awkward and maybe, just maybe, they go out on a date and see where it goes from there.
So I have to ask...would they have dated if they hadn't had sex? What if they didn't jump right in bed together, and maybe got to know each other a little bit first? Maybe their relationships would have lasted a little longer.
Sex should not be the first step. Or the second. Or the third. Or the hundredth for that matter. The biggest problem in this world is that we have devalued sex and likened to the importance of a handshake. There are so many steps in a relationship that should be taken before sex is even considered. And yet, so few people take them anymore. Its no wonder that relationships don't last, people are unhappy, children are created with abandon and left with broken families before they can even walk, and no one knows what its like to real, meaningful, committed sex.
Quit using sex as your hello.

Sex is not always awesome.
It actually cracks me up. When Izzie and George got together for the first time, they claimed to have the most amazing sex of their lives. So they fell in love. They started a relationship. But when they went to make love again, they found the magic had gone. They couldn't figure out what was wrong (wasn't hard to figure it out....they were drunk the first time, and barely remembered it, so of course it was amazing). They ended their relationship on the basis that it just wasn't right, and they couldn't make it work. So basically, the sex was bad, so the whole relationship was bad.
Are you serious??
Welcome to the real world. Sex isn't always amazing. Sometimes, it is bad. Sometimes, its nonexistent. But its not the end of the world.

Love doesn't matter if your beliefs don't match
April and Jackson ran off and got married because they loved each other. They hurt several people in the process, but hey, they're in love! Nothing else matters, right?
Fast forward to their first fight. Its a doozy. And guess what they argue about? The fact that she is a Christian and he is not. She wants to raise their children to believe in God and know they are loved by him, but he views her faith in God as ridiculous.
Its moments like that, when you realize that the person you love doesn't hold important the same things you do, that love doesn't matter. All the attraction, romance, fuzzy feelings, and exhilaration...none of it matters.
I once was very interested a guy that believe in God and the Bible very differently than I do. After much deliberation, I chose not to pursue a relationship with him, because I knew that there was no way I could raise children under his belief system. It was a defining moment in my life, because I realized that no matter how much I liked this guy, my beliefs were more important than my emotions.  So several years later when I met Kyle, I knew that I could allow my self to fall head over heels for him, because our beliefs not only matched perfectly, but through knowing him, I was able to expand and develop my beliefs in ways I never imagined. He never made me doubt or feel that what I believed was unimportant. He helped me perfect it. And it was because of that fact that I knew I could love him.
Love and romance are important parts of a relationship, but they should never be what defines it.

***

There are plenty more thoughts that have arisen while watching this entertaining show. These are just a few, but I felt they were rather important. Have a happy day, folks!

During my teenage years, I used to sit around and wonder what God wanted me to do. I would pray fiercely for Him to reveal His will to me and to tell me what to do. There were many times when I became so confused by what was happening in my life, especially at times when I was sure something was God's will, only to watch it vanish before my eyes. But I kept hoping that someday I would figure it out. I just had to be patient. After all, God had a plan for my life, right?

I believe it was March of 2011 when I began communicating with a young man I had met through an online ministry I had begun the fall prior. He was smart, energetic and a very interesting person. He clearly had a good heart and a love for the Lord, from what I could see via the internet, and we agreed  we should meet in person. We planned to meet at the Great Lakes Bible Conference in Wilmot, Ohio, where I had been invited by some new friends in the ministry.

Prior to this, I truly believed that I had actually heard God speak to me and tell me that I was going to marry this man. I believed I had literally heard His voice. I went to that conference believing I was about to meet my future husband. Well, I did, but it was not the one I was expecting.

The young man I had gone to meet was indeed very nice, but wrong for me in many ways, and I could see it almost as soon as we met. I can't really explain why, but I suddenly felt very uncomfortable at the thought of ever being with him. I kept trying to make it work, because I believed it was what God wanted. But no matter how much I tried, it was failing piece by piece.

I had gone there to meet a man who believed he'd come to claim his bride, and in, out of nowhere it seemed, walked my knight in shining armor.

Kyle was totally unexpected to me that weekend. I only barely knew who he was aside from the fact that he looked the spitting image of his brother Curt whom I'd met a few weekends before. The whole time I was trying to make things work with the other guy, I was hearing Kyle's praises sung and seeing his quiet, gentle eyes observing me.

I was terribly confused. What on earth was happening? What about the words God had spoken to my heart? Did that mean nothing? What was God doing?

It was about a week after that crazy weekend that I heard a messaged preached by Kyle's dad that forever changed my life. My family visited their church and Pastor Ted's message became the most influential one of my life.

He spoke clearly and succinctly of how God works in our lives today, and it was unlike anything I had ever heard. He shared how we as the Body of Christ are not be waiting for signs and voices from God to determine what we are supposed to do. We are to use "sanctified common sense", as one wise preacher once said, and he used the Apostle Paul as an example. There were many times in Paul's life where he used his own good judgment and wisdom from the Lord to make a decision. For example, in 2 Corinthians 2:1, Paul "determined with himself" that he should not come unto them. He didn't say "Lord willing." He used wisdom and common sense to determine that it was not a good time to do so. He also used the example in 1 Corinthians 16:5, where the Lord opens a door to Paul, and yet Paul chooses not to go through it (which kinda flies in the face of most Christian thinking).

In rightly dividing the Word, we recognize that in time past, God did indeed move His people where He wanted them to go. The people were under the law, and the law was an "if=then" system...if you do good, then I will bless you.
BUT NOW, something has changed, and as we also recognize that Paul is the apostle to the gentiles and the Body of Christ today, we realize that God has changed the way He deals with those He loves. We are under grace and grace says, "Here is the blessing, now go serve me because you love me. Do what you know is right."

The biggest problem with asking God to reveal His will in our personal lives is that He already has in His Word! We never have to look at our lives and wonder what God is doing, or trying to tell us, because He wrote a book telling us everything we need to know! We never have to wait for His voice, or look for His personal leading in our lives. He has given us all the tools we need. He gives us the wisdom to make good choices, and strengthens our hearts to be able to do the right things. Instead of making some leap of logic in trying to explain what God was doing in my life, I was able to find peace in knowing that He had strengthened my heart and given me the wisdom I needed to make the right choice.

Does this make me deist? Do I believe that my Creator does not in any way intervene in the lives of His creations? No. I do believe that He works in our hearts and minds through His word, and that we can enjoy a very personal, joyous relationship with Him. But I also believe in free will.

I believe that He steps back and lets us make those choices. I believe that the bad things that happen to us are just a result of life here on earth, and are not God trying to get our attention or teach us something. I believe that anything He wants to tell us about our lives here has been spelled out in His Word, and we need never sit in confusion about "what he's trying to tell us."

And it is in understanding this that I have true peace and joy in my life, and was able to evaluate the choices in front of me, and choose wisely the man I would spend the rest of my life with.

I recently shared an article I came across on Facebook. The writer jumped into the issue of modesty, and gave some interesting points. She built on the idea that it should not be the responsibility of a women to try to control a man's thoughts by dressing (or not dressing) a certain way, and in many ways I agree with that. We cannot seek to dress in such a way that will prevent a man from noticing and admiring the natural curves of our body, because its unrealistic. We can, however, strive to adorn ourselves in a way that lets our character and personality shine. There are parts of our body that should be honored by keeping them covered, but not because we are ashamed of them. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. That doesn't mean flaunt it if you've got it. But I think we have gotten so wrapped up in our ideas of what modest dress should be that we have forgotten to dress with class and dignity.

Its not our responsibility to keep men from lusting after us. We can't control it, not matter how conservatively we dress. However, we do have the opportunity to suggest through our dress what we do want people to think of us. Like it or not, we live in a world where we are judged and given labels based on what we wear. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked if I am or was Amish, just because I wear a lot of skirts and like my hair up in a bun.

Your clothing can say a lot about you. Therefore, your goal should not be trying to prevent people from thinking the wrong thing, but instead, focusing on encouraging them to think the right thing. Be comfortable, be yourself, let your God-given personality be defined, and let the Holy Spirit shine through you.


While thinking of all these thoughts on modesty, a friend sparked a conversation about how to teach our kids about sex when the time comes. I'll admit, its always a daunting thought to me. But it occurred to me...why should it be such a scary idea? Sex is beautiful and fun and why shouldn't I be excited to tell them about it? Sex is sacred and special, and something to be enjoyed to the fullest between a man and his wife. I hope and pray that we can give our kids a good enough example in life and communicate to them how wonderful these things are, so that when its their turn, they can face it with joy and with grateful hearts.

The kids of my generation and circles like to talk about how the purity movement damaged our thinking about sex. How most of us were so burdened by trying to keep ourselves physically and emotionally pure that, most of the time, we were simply plagued with the guilt of thinking we may have been impure by noticing someone of the opposite sex. And when we came to actually doing the deed, we were frightened. Really, sincerely frightened. Now, some will say that these were worst case scenarios, but I think there are a great number of us that experienced this to some degree.


We were extreme. We kissed dating goodbye and fell in love with courtship. We swung the pendulum so far in one direction that we forgot what the middle ground was like. So what is happening next? We swing it the opposite way. We hear the words---.modesty.purity.courtship.---even homeschool---and we run.

And then...we blame our parents.

They were controlling. They were possessive and crazy. They just wanted to shelter us and never let us out in the real world. They just feared the world and all in it, and wanted to keep us from it.

Those bad parents.

Seriously?

I have to say...we are messing this up even worse than it already is. Do we even realize what we are doing?

I realize that there are people who have taken the modesty/purity/homeschool culture way too far. And then you have the Doug Phillips and Bill Gothard scandals. I know many parents have cause irreversible damage and suffering in their children because of the standards and rules they enforced. They really did take it an unhealthy level. I'll never dispute that.

But I will point out one very important thing: they suffered too.

We have lost sight of what came before us and why we ended up where we did. We think its all about us. We were the ones jaded by legalism and tormented by the patriarchal system. But I'll say it again: our parents suffered too.

Most of our parents were not raised the way we were. Many of them were first generation Christians, first generation homeschoolers, first generation couples-that-actually-stayed-married, and so on. Most of them had no idea what they were doing. All they knew was that what they went through as kids/young adults didn't work and they wanted something different for their kids. So the pendulum got swung as far from what they knew as they could get, and the modesty/purity/homeschool culture was born.

They saw that traditional American dating-with-no-goal-of-marriage didn't work very well, and so Courtship was born (or should I say reborn?).

They saw that the public school system was full of crap (still is...), and so Homeschooling was born.

They saw that casual, premarital sex was causing damage, and so Purity was born (or should I say redifined?).

They knew the pain in their own hearts from the lives they had lived, and wanted to protect us from the same pain. They wanted to give us different opportunities and wanted to raise us as Biblically as they knew how.

They saw what didn't work, and went the opposite way. Hey...aren't we trying to do the same thing?

Let us not be so swift to judge the choices our parents made. Their choices were born out of their own pain, and so are our choices. We are making choices based on the same emotions that spurred our parents on, but this is where we have to be careful not to be so anxious to get away from what hurt us that we swing that pendulum so far the other direction and end up in the same hell hole our parents crawled out of.

Let's take what we now know, and turn it into something beautiful. Let's not just focus on "not doing what our parents did", but instead focus on why. We can do better than our parents, because they did better than theirs. And our kids will do better than us. But not if we are stuck in bitterness and self-pity. We had a rough past...ok, so let's get over it and move into the future. Modesty, purity, homeschooling, biblical manhood and womanhood, courtship-also-known-as-dating-with-a-purpose, saving sex for marriage...these are all still good things! Let's bring them out of their extremist past and give them freedom to work they way God intended!

We have a chance to find the happy medium. Let us not waste it nursing our wounds with our hatred of the culture that shaped us into the people we are today. We are who we are because of where we came from. We can't stay there, but we can take what we have learned and let the pendulum settle gracefully in the middle.

So I spent the weekend at the Great Lakes Grace Bible Conference in Wilmot, Ohio. It has become as very special place to me, since it was the exact weekend event where I met my husband three years ago, and the location where we decided to get married almost one year ago. Its always such a great experience, with wonderful preachers sharing their knowledge, meeting friends new and old, and seeing the beautiful landscape that is Ohio's Amish Country.


I really think that this was one of the best conferences I've been to, mostly because I focused on being relaxed, soaking in the messages, and simply enjoying it. I didn't have any pressures of wedding planning, or being so newly twitterpatted that I couldn't focus. I got to go, relax, enjoy every second, and go home afterwards with my sweet husband.

And that is where my first observation comes from.

I notice that I am so much more at ease now. I come with my guy and then I leave with him. Before being married, I thrived on staying up late, being in every part of everything and getting as much interaction with people as I possibly could. I cried when I left events and it always felt like there was a big hole left in my heart. The days after a get-together were hard and sad. Now...I simply enjoy the time that I have, I go to bed at a decent hour and at the end, I go home with my favorite person of all time. I like it better this way. :)

I really enjoyed watching people. I have always been the quieter person that listens more than talks and occasionally interjects when I feel I have something significant to say. That is, unless you get me on a subject I like...then I will talk your ear off. But I find it very interesting to just watch people and observe how they behave.

This is observation Number Two.

I saw that some people have an attitude that, because they are at a Bible Conference, they must behave differently than they would normally.

Yeah, this is a Bible conference, so I have to wear this instead of that.
We probably shouldn't watch that movie, or talk about that subject, since we are at a Bible conference.
Oops, I shouldn't say that word, since I'm at a Bible Conference.

You get the idea. And all I am going to say on that note is this...why do we live in a way that forces us to have to act differently in front of our Bible Conference Friends than we would when we are at home?

These are just my observations.

I also noticed that there are people that come to places like this, sit down to listen to speaker, and then get offended by something the speaker says. Bottom line...don't come to something like that and expect to only hear what you want to hear. The speaker merely gave his opinion, and he stated that it was thus several times. There is no reason to have a fit over something he clearly wasn't aiming at you personally.

Again. Just my observation.

On a happier note, I observed a mother deal with something sensitive in a most gracious manner. Her teenage son was spending a lot of time enjoying the company of a young lady whom she was not acquainted with. She wanted to know who the girl was, so she quietly asked around and eventually became good friends with the girl's mom. Now that, I thought, is a great way to keep an eye out on your children and who they are hanging out with. She found out what she wanted to know in a calm and rational manner. She didn't make a big fuss or become defensive. But she was looking out for her son, and she did it with respect and grace.
I admired that a lot. And its little things like that that I put in the back of mind, in a file marked "See that? Remember that when you have kids."

I also observed that when you do something different in your life, you have to expect people to not understand. And you have to try to find a gracious way to explain to them why you do what you do, because they will ask. You can get upset, because often people ask about your differences in ways that are not always the most gracious. They will be blunt and brash. But the bottom line is that they just don't have a clue. And at times, depending on what it is, you intimidate them, and their nervousness cause them to not really think about the question they are asking. Just keep calm and try to avoid beating them about the head. :)

One last thing. We may not be the largest group in the world. We may not be the most well-loved. We may not be the most talented or have the most advertising. But there is a passion here uncommon in many circles. There is a depth of love, grace and wisdom that you don't find just anywhere. And while so many people are trying to get filled up on some watered-down version of Christianity, something very special goes on here. This is real. This is empowering. And I'm not letting go.

I'll admit. I haven't really been fair to the Duggar family. My friend Janet knows this better than anyone. She knows that whenever she mentions the Duggar family, or any "big-christian-homeschool-family-especially-ones-that-sing-together"...I get an attitude. A bitterness, as it were, rises up in my heart and I try to change the subject. She has put up with many of my rants about the Patriarchal system, betrothal, courtship, the having-as-many-kids-as-you-can thing...all of it.

(Off topic plug: Janet is the best friend I have ever had. For nearly 13 years, she has stuck by me through thick and thin. We have grown up together while separated by many miles. She has put up with my rantings and ravings like no one else. No matter what, even if she doesn't agree with me, we still get along. She has never huffed off all offended by anything I've said, and is the most faithful friend I have ever known. <3 )

This morning I read an article about the latest Duggar romance. Actually there are posts all over the place about Jill's courtship with her missionary man and how she met him via Skype and started their relationship before they met. Google anything about Duggar courtships and you get an onslaught of post and interviews and videos talking about their courtship rules and whatnot. Needless to say...they're pretty popular.

But this morning's post made me realize something.

I've been bitter against these people unjustly.

I'm not being sarcastic here. I'm truly honest. I've disliked them unfairly. Am I still kind of weirded out by how famous they have become? Yeah, it still irritates me, but whatever...its their life.

But this is what has made me realize how unfair I have been: they are raising good kids.

One son married with three kids and very successful. Two daughters in relationships with good, strong Christian men. The others well on their way.

They are doing something right!

So what I've realized is that maybe instead of being resentful against them for being so famous for their over-sized family and strict conservative rules...maybe instead of watching and waiting for one of them to mess up...maybe I should be cheering them on!

Sure I don't agree with their biblical doctrine, but that's not the issue here. The issue is that they are raising, good, pure, successful, happy, polite, drug-free people that value marriage, family and God. What is so wrong with that?

There is nothing wrong with a couple "dating with the intent of marriage" (aka courting), saving sex for marriage, saving 99% of physical contact for marriage and focusing on their spiritual and emotional growth together first. What a foundation to have! Maybe if more people valued marriage like that, there would be less heartache and divorce in this world.

There is nothing wrong with the family being involved in that process. People young and in love need good counsel and eyes other than their own to see the red flags that we miss through our rose-colored-glasses.Yes, of course, they are adults, and not every couple is blessed with Godly, reasonable, understanding parents. But there is always someone out there, even if its just your friends, that can give counsel, wisdom and accountability.

I could go on and on, but the point is this. There is nothing wrong with the way the Duggar family, or any of these families live. They aren't perfect...but then again they never make that claim. They do the best that they know how and strive to raise their families to be honorable in the sight of God and man. Some may fall, yes. But so far the odds are for them. They are doing alright here! So why hate them for raising the bar and releasing some beautiful, God-fearing people into the world?

In closing, I'm sorry, Duggars. And everyone else. Keep doing what you are doing. Thank you for valuing marriage and family and giving your kids an amazing foundation.

Let me start out by clarifying a few things.

With all my heart, I believe that marriage is a wonderful, beautiful and God-ordained institution. I believe it should be treasured, protected and fought for at all costs. I believe that relationships leading up to marriage should be held with a high level of importance, and that those who are not ready to enter into a marriage should really not be involving themselves in romantic relationships.

So yes. I have some high standards.

But something I’ve noticed keeps bugging me.

The courtship versus dating battle keeps on raging, although it seems with not quite as much rage as in years past. The conservative Christian community insists that courtship is the Biblical alternative to dating, and in many ways, they are still right. For all of the reasons I stated before, courtship appears, on the outside, to be what every Christian should be striving for in their romantic conquests. At its basic definition, courtship is the way to go. No doubt.

But like so many other things that we conservative Christian people, especially in the home school community, have taken and run with…we’ve messed it up. So badly that many of our peers are turning away from it with a holy vengeance, swearing that it ruined their lives. Why?

I think its because of how courtship is presented nowadays, and how we’ve got it stuck in our minds.

What I’ve noticed is that there is far too much hype over courtship. Someone who is adamant about courtship and preaches it faithfully, when they finally do enter into it themselves, make the biggest deal out of it. A celebration is called for! Blessings abound! Pictures are taken! Oh, but don’t get too close cause you’re not married yet, even though with all the fluff and fuss, you’d think they were! And so begins your time of getting to know each other, odds are with complete parental supervision (including all messages and conversations), and so much rejoicing over this wonderful relationship.

And then…something happens.

Maybe it’s a truth that comes out, a reality that sinks in, or a personality trait that one didn’t see before. Maybe it’s a belief system, or an opinion about child rearing. Whatever the reason, the relationship goes south, and subsequently ends.

Everyone, but especially the girl in this party, is brokenhearted. Here’s just hoping it didn’t end badly and that the couple can still be friends afterward. All in all, there are still hurt feelings and place in your heart that you pray will be healed so you can move on. Everyone is so surprised. They never saw it coming. Heck, your parents and siblings probably had their wedding outfits picked out already, and were wondering what you were going to name your kids. And odds are, if more than a couple months had passed, you were already wondering the same thing…when and how is he gonna propose?!?

Hold on.

I think this is where we messed it up.

This is COURTSHIP, people. Not a wedding.

Courtship is time when two people who are actively pursuing a marriage relationship can get to know each other on a personal basis to determine whether they are a good fit for each other or not. They can discuss beliefs, opinions, desires, dreams, and ultimately learn as much as they can about each other before taking the step into getting married.

That’s what courtship is.

Courtship is NOT a guarantee for an engagement ring.

Courtship is NOT an assurance that you’ve found the one with whom you want to be with for the rest of your life.

Courtship is NOT a free ticket to a wedding.

But we sure do treat it like it is!

Yes, I do believe that entering a relationship with someone should be taken seriously. I mean, this is someone’s life you are messing with, so you want to be sure that, if everything checks out, this relationship could be something that you would be willing to consummate. It is an exciting time. I mean, its not every day that you find someone whom you genuinely admire and can see yourself (ohmygosh) marrying! And the falling in love part is a-stinkin-mazing, just for the record.

But I think we would do well to tone down the excitement and hype just a tad, so that we are not so shocked and devastated when these things end.

Being in a relationship with someone does not instantly mean that you are going to be planning a wedding in a year or two. We females, especially, have this stuck in our brains. Its no surprise since it is ingrained in our very nature to be relational beings, to crave that sort of relationship and long so deeply for a man to fall in love with us. Its not a bad thing. Really. Its just bad when we make such a big deal about it.

You know what would be really great? To see a meshing of two worlds. To see the serious and the chill coming together. What do you think would happen if we placed the seriousness of courtship with the relaxed, at ease attitude of dating? Probably a culture clash that would result in a full-scale war carried out in vehement Facebook comments and blog posts. But I think you get what I’m saying here.

People in the dating realm spend so much time getting to know each other with very little commitment and a relationship that can easily be broken off. People in the courtship realm spend far less time getting to know each other, but in a setting that demands full commitment and reaps horrid heart consequences if ends without a wedding.

It would just be kinda neat to see a little bit of both.

Call it dating, call it courtship. Call it betrothal for all I care. Whatever label you put on it, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing (did ya get that? That was one of the many things my husband told me during our pre-marriage phase). Relationships are important, so make sure you are doing it for the right reason. If you’re doing it for fun and cause you’re attracted to someone, then maybe you need to step back and grow up some more. But if you are doing it because you genuinely desire to find out if this person is the one you want to marry, then my suggestion would be to just…

…CHILL.

Every once in a while I go back and read blog posts, comments, diary pages, emails, etc., that I’ve written over the past four or five years. Okay, even the past year.

It is an incredibly embarrassing, aggravating, insightful, and ultimately humbling experience.

“I believe this about true Christian courtship.” WHACK! “I heard God’s voice in my head.” WHACK! “I’ve learned how to be perfectly content.” WHACK! “Homeschoolers are better than any other people.” WHACK WHACK!!

Oh dear , the things I really thought for sure I knew! How smart I thought I was. How confident I was in things I truly was just dipping my toes into. And oh, how much I have learned in such a short time!

There are a lot of things I wish I could erase, because I simply don’t think the same now, or what I wrote was done in a hasty flurry of emotion and what seemed right at the time. But I wouldn’t be a very good writer if I did that. Embarrassment, ridicule, the questioning of our true motives and values…it’s the price one pays for speaking one’s mind.

People change, for better or worse. We grow and learn. And the more we talk about our opinions, likes, dislikes, convictions, beliefs and feelings, the more we are likely to be humbled by them at a later point in time. Our words will come back to bite us if we don’t watch out.

So forgive me when I seem to contradict myself as the years go by. Its not that I am floating around with every wind of doctrine. Its only that I am learning, growing, becoming. And from time to time, I am just plain WRONG.

Thank goodness that Humble Stick isn’t too hard.

Before we get too far and to avoid any misunderstandings, let me preface this by saying one thing: I am, in no way, stating that any way of going about relationships is wrong. I’m not here to rant about how conservatism “ruined my life”, or how I was “saved” from the liberal dating scene (neither of which is true). I’m not here to point fingers. I’m not even here to give you a brand new formula, or Ten Best Tips of How To Get Married. I’m only here to offer a perspective.

This perspective is mine, and may be something you’ve heard or thought or discussed already. You don’t have to agree. You don’t have disagree. I’m not bashing. I’m just talking.

So, now that we’ve got that taken care of.


History. I grew up conservative. I still am very conservative in many ways. Saying that I am liberal just wouldn’t seem to cut it, although I know some would label me as heading in that direction. When I was 13, my mom impressed upon me the idea of saving my first kiss for my wedding day. I liked the idea and decided to strive for that. None of the boys I knew ever tried to kiss me anyways, so things were cool. That’s more or less where my thinking about courtship, dating and marriage all started. From there it was slowly built as I read articles and stories, talked with people, and tried to find my place in a circle of home school graduates.


My parents never really gave us a set of rules or regulations. They never said “dating is bad and courtship/betrothal is the only way to go”. We talked about the differences and they encouraged us to do something different than the average American recipe for relationships. They encouraged us to not just date around for the fun of it, to refrain from flirting with members of the opposite sex, and to find someone to be committed to when the time was right.


There were times when friendships got out of hand and boundaries had to be set up. Ages 17 to 21 were some of the toughest, most aggravating years of my life, and I would never wish to go back to them. But looking back, I am glad I had the boundaries that I did and that my parents provided the guidance that they did.


By the time I reached 21, I had pretty much formulated in my head how my perfect courtship would go. Boy meets girl, preferably at church or home school convention. Boy and girl communicate through some public venue as friends. Boy talks to girl’s dad. Girl’s dad permits courtship. Boy and girl court for a few months, always chaperoned, not likely even holding hands, never alone, etc. Boy and girl get engaged and marry within a year. And they live happily ever after. Perfect, right?


Well, yes. And no.


A few guys came and went. Nothing was ever right. And then I met Kyle. In years before, if you had asked me if there was such a thing as love at first sight, I would have scoffed and told you it didn’t exist. I stand corrected.


Just a couple months after meeting, Kyle invited me to go to the Marine Corps Birthday Ball with him. My thought process went something like this: “Wow. That would be amazing. Man I would love to go with him. But who am I kidding? We’re not even in a relationship, and I don’t even know if he’s that interested in me. And not to mention, my dad would *never* let me go.”


My dad let me go. Encouraged me to go!


So in November, with my brother Charlie as my traveling buddy, financial support and intended chaperone, I flew down to North Carolina for an 8 day trip. And thus began my unconventional, non-conservatively conservative, sort of dating, sort of courting, sort of something way different, little bit of everything relationship with Kyle.


Nothing was as I had planned. Meeting Kyle and getting to know him, even more so falling in love with him, threw me for a complete loop. I never expected him. How could anyone ever expect someone like that? My relationship with him was completely different than anything I had ever imagined. I could have read a million books on courtship and dating, and hear a million more success stories, and none of it could have ever prepared me for REALITY.


We did things right and wrong to both sides of the spectrum. The hard core courtship/betrothal group would be shocked to hear how we left our chaperone and went off for walks by ourselves to discuss *us*. The liberal all-American dating group WAS shocked to hear we haven’t kissed yet. To be honest, even our families were shocked at some of the courses we chose! Both sides of the argument look at us with puzzled faces. Neither side can label us because we don’t fit into a label. I say “we’re dating” to some people and “we’re courting” to other just based on who I am talking to. Yes, I call him my boyfriend, but that too depends on who I’m talking to.


No one really understands. Not that I expect anyone to. Any way you label us is probably close, but still so far off the truth.


The thing is, we don’t need a label. We don’t need the pressure of a label.


We’re honestly doing just fine. We call it how we see it. We roll with the punches. We take things as they come. We don’t have a list of perfectly planned out rules, or a step-by-step guidelines as to how everything takes place. And we aren’t just in this for the fun of it or for the temporal pleasure of attraction.


Sometimes we don’t know what we’re doing, but its okay, because we’re figuring it out, one little step at a time. We’re growing together as friends and lovers.


Most importantly, what we are doing works for us.


If we could all just take about three steps backwards, and remove ourselves from the Courtship vs. Dating battle, we might see that there are more than two sides to the story. If couples would just do what works for them together, with the wisdom God gave them and for the glory of God alone, apart from any labels and outside any boxes, I think there’d be a lot more peace amongst the Body of Christ.

Of course, my phrase of “just doing what works for you”, I’m sure, can and will be taken the wrong way. In no way am I implying the condoning of premarital sexual relations just because “it works for you”. No way. Anyone that knows me, really knows me, will know how highly I value the fidelity of sex within marriage and within marriage alone, waiting for marriage to share that communion with each other and God, and the beauty of a husband and wife committed and faithful to each other.


My argument is for getting up to that point.


I am also not trying to imply that super conservative parents are “doing it wrong”, and need to give their kids some freedom. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you need to just turn your daughter loose at eighteen and say “Come what may.” On the contrary. We need good counsel. Freedom and trust is gained with age and every person is different.


I am merely trying to say that you need to take each situation as it comes and only ask “Is this right? Is this pure?” based on God’s Word, flee immorality and self-righteousness, and not strive to conform to a man-made set of rules or labels that declare one process “more holy” or “more Godly” than another.


Seriously, does it really matter what you call it? On your fiftieth wedding anniversary, is anyone going to remember, or really care, what you called your before-marriage-period?


There are a lot better things we would be worrying about. Instead of strapping ourselves to labels that are pulling us down, why aren’t we being a light to the world around us? Why aren’t we teaching kids about keeping their bodies special and pure and saving sex for marriage instead of defining our own self-righteous labels and boxes?

There’s a deeper meaning here than just a name for a relationship. We are slowing down the message.

Maybe its time we get out of the way.

I came to three rather prominent conclusions today.

1. Sometimes I really hate internet chat. It is so hard to decipher people's feelings and thoughts through typed messages. Its so much easier when you're able to see their faces and hear their voices. Online chat can be the best thing in the world, but there are times when it frustrates me to no end.

2. Sometimes I really envy men's ability to only think of one thing at a time. It can be a real burden to always be thinking of a dozen things all at once, and not be able to put thoughts out of my mind that I'd rather not think about. My mind can't rest. Its always going, going, going. I've tried very hard to only focus on one thing at a time. I can't. Don't get me wrong...multi-tasking is helpful. Just tiring.

3. I think I talk too much, in spite of the people that think I am really quiet and don't talk enough. You can't imagine how many times I think "Man, me and my big mouth. Why, oh why, did I say that??"

There you have it. Three thoughts from my weird and crazy mind.

Why are the simplest things so difficult?

When will men and women take their places? Men need to stand up and be the wild warriors God made then to be. Women need to step back and let their men be men, and be happy riding shotgun in the adventure instead of driving.

I see so many men held handicapped by their wives and mothers. It is actually quite sickening and disheartening. A friend of mine always stated in despair, “There are no good men! Where are the strong Christian leaders?” I always disagreed with that statement, saying that they were out there somewhere. But seeing what I see makes me wonder. Where are they?

Actually, I know where they are. They are in every man I see. Young and old, they are all there. Deep in their hearts, they are strong leaders and wild warriors. They long to fight the battles, live the adventures and rescue the beauties. The problem is…they have wives and mothers.

So, simply put: Wife, follow your husband and let him be the wild one he longs to be. Mother, quit hanging onto and pushing your son around, and let him grow up and be a man!

You have no right to be frustrated with your men because they will not lead or choose for themselves, because you are holding them back. Bite your tongue. Bite it till it falls off if you have to. Only when you, wife and mother, learn to shut up and be content with being a woman will your husband and your son stand up and be the Men they were meant to be.

“There is a strength in you…I see it.” (William Wallace to Robert Bruce in Braveheart)

Am I frustrated? Yes, I am. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but every once in a while, someone has to quit dodging the truth and say what needs to be said. And maybe I should have said it a long time ago, but often I don’t see a way to write things till it hits really close to home. Or in this case, hits home enough to sucker punch me right in the heart.

I am not perfect. I’ll be the first to tell you that. Some people may say I sound like a total hypocrite talking about the place of women and men, when here I’m running a ministry. Yeah, I’m being a leader. Well, you can think what you want. I will make no lame excuses about doing God’s work or whatever. I did what I saw needed to be done. I do not like leading. But sometimes I have to, because no one else will.

On another note (yes, I’m still venting), what about love and respect? The book “For Young Women Only” by Lisa Rice and Shaunti Feldhaun states that the majority of men would rather be respected than loved, and women would rather be loved than respected. Well, over the past year, I’ve learned what its like to be loved and NOT respected, and I can tell you this…I would rather be respected. It goes hand in hand, really. Respecting me proves that you love me, because you cannot truly love me without respecting me.

You can put on whatever show you want, you can say tons about loving me…but if you cannot respect the simplest things I ask, then you might as well cut out my heart, throw it in the dirt and step on it.

Its not that hard. I really don’t make things that difficult! And if for some reason you are unsure about how I feel about something, ASK ME in a way that you know is right! Instead of guessing, ask! And don’t do it if you think it might not be right. Nothing is so important that you have to step all over me in order to accomplish it.
I understand if you don’t agree. I don’t expect people to agree with me. Its wonderful when they do, but I can’t make anyone agree with me. But worse than not agreeing with me is saying that they do when they really don’t.

Why??! Why do people continue to schmooze along, just mamby-pamby agreeing with everything I say just to get on my good side? I’d respect people more if they stood up for themselves and were strong in their own convictions instead of always trying to weasel around mine.

Truth has no agenda.

I am not a hateful person. It takes a lot for me to really despise a person. My love for people is deep and forgiving, and I’ll be the first person to hand out second chances…and third chances. My good opinion once given is not easily taken away, but as Mr. Darcy says, “My good opinion once lost is lost forever.” Prove you are worthy of a second chance, and I will give it. But if you cannot stand strong and respect me, and if you cannot deeply and honestly agree, then don’t go hurting me again.

I am not saying that I will not be friends with people that disagree with me. Oh, gosh, no…several of my very best friends hold views quite different from me. But the thing is that they aren’t afraid to say it. My friend Marcos and I have a running joke that we disagree on everything but Calvinism! I’m not afraid to disagree with people. Such is life…we are all individuals, and that’s how God created us. But I cannot bear it when a person makes themselves out to be something they are not just to get on my good side.

Life holds so much good. God has given a world so infinitely beautiful. Wouldn’t it be a shame to waste it?

I am built up and torn down
I smile and cry, say yes and no
Uncertain rules stem from an uncertain heart
My core wishes and values seek to
translate each move, each word
Is this right? Is this wrong?

I reach forward
I pull back
Like touching something far too hot
I’ve been burned before
Yet still I play with fire

So much won and
So much lost
Is this how you want it to be, Lord?
Forever my hopes to be built only to have them dashed?
If this is what you want,
then I will follow.

My heart breaks as I watch
another dear heart aching.
What could I have done differently?
What shouldn’t I have said?
Where did I go wrong?

Just when I think I am doing everything right
I trip and stumble
I fall flat on my face
Bruised and broken,
I struggle to stand
Knowing that in my fall, I’ve taken someone with me.

What now?
I cannot run.
I can barely stand.
My wishes, hopes, dreams have become a blur
God, this beauty feels like chaos.

The plan hides, the map has been mislaid
We don’t know what we are doing, so we run in head long,
Bumping into walls with our eyes shut.

And yet...
Within the smoky chaos, clarity forms.
Reasons for hurting show
You tell me, Lord, how the things I see as bad
point toward the things I did not know were good.

This is not goodbye.
This is not never.
But this is…not now.

There is no rush.
Let time build and grow.
If this is God’s plan, then time will only strengthen and make more beautiful.
Smile.
Press on.
For there is always
Hope.

*I discovered this, lost in one of my forgotten folders. :D *

The Warrior is a Child
A Story By Hannah McMichael, June 2008
Inspired by Twila Paris's song "The Warrior is a Child"


She was a warrior. A great warrior. All who were even remotely acquainted with her admired her. She was brave and beautiful. She fought with nobility and grace. She was loved by many, and hated by few. She the picture of beauty and purity, and even her enemies found it hard to despise her. Those who did most often regretted it in the end.
Yet with all her talent and beauty, she held a secret. Deep within her heart lay something she vowed no one would ever know. There were times when she would come so close to revealing her secret, but then would gather herself together and remain cool and calm. It was not something she was ashamed of, yet it was something she was not particularly anxious for anyone to know.
One day came when a hard battle was to take place. She would be fighting an old enemy, one she had before defeated, but was once again declaring war in hopes to defeat her. This was not an enemy she looked forward to fighting, but always, in her heart, she knew that it was inevitable. This enemy would haunt her until she found a way to defeat him for good.
As she prepared for battle, she thought about her enemy. He was smart; increasingly smart. It seemed as though, the more she fought him, he learned some better way to fight her. And somehow, she knew that this would be the time where her tactics would be of little to no use. Though she dared not voice her fear, she felt the icy grip on her heart that told her she could not win this battle. There was no easy victory in sight; only a hopeless battle that she knew would leave her crushed and broken.
The weight of that knowledge caused her courage to sink and fear to well up inside her. For the first time in her life, she was truly afraid. As she strapped on her armor in what was usually the comfort of her tent, all she felt was bitter, empty loneliness surrounding her. She tried to shake off the feeling, but it held on tight in her chest. All at once, she knew that the secret she had kept so guarded would somehow not be a secret much longer.
She checked her armor to make sure it was on tightly and securely, and picked up her sword. Sliding it from its sheath, her fingers felt stiff and wooden as she wrapped them around the hilt. She stared at the blade, so well forged, yet chipped slightly from years of hard use. This would be her only weapon in her battle against her enemy. The thought sent a chill through her veins. There was no way she could do it.
She slid the sword back in the sheath, but did not buckle it around her waist. She stepped out of her tent with as much poise and grace as she could muster, and walked toward the egde of her camp. Her companions smiled at her admiringly as she walked by, but she barely noticed them. All she knew was that she needed to get out...needed to escape. Her pace quickened, for she found tears beginning to well up in her eyes. She batted them back, but one slid defiantly down her cheek.
She made it to a small hill just outside the camp before it happened. The tears began to pour, softly at first. She held her sword horizontally in both hands. Her head tilted backwards as her eyes gazed into the sky, as if searching it for some sort of answer. Then slowly, sobs began to shake her shoulders, and her sword fell from her hands to the ground. Her knees buckled as she held her face in her hands. Never had she felt more alone. Never had she faced a time where she had to admit that, even though she appeared strong, she was a child beneath her armor. She was scared, lonely, and wanted so badly to hide.
Her friends in the encampment stared wide-eyed as they watched her cry. They all wanted to help her, but none knew quite how. Most were too shocked at this sudden breakdown of their heroine to even contemplate what they could do for her. It was as they were all lost in their own thoughts, judgments, and wonderings that the King stepped out from His tent. Seeing His warrior, he walked out of the camp and up the hill to where she was kneeling, and laid a hand ever so gently on her still shaking shoulder. She jumped slightly at His touch, and then lifted her teary face to meet His gaze. His eyes were filled with love and compassion. He knelt beside her and without a word, picked up her sword. With a questioning look on her face, she reached out a hand in protest. He wrapped her hand in His own and peered into her eyes. "Let me have it," He said, so softly only she could hear. She hated to give up her sword, but in that moment, she realized how necessary it was for Him to take it from her. She nodded her head, such a small motion that it seemed as though it had not taken place. Then, with a movement so sweet and gentle, the King picked her up in His arms and carried her slowly back to the camp. Oh, how safe and secure she felt, resting her head on His shoulder! His arms enveloped her in such strength that it all hardly seemed possible.
Back in the encampment, He carried her, not to Her tent, but to his own. A deep and reverent honor flowed through her, for though all had a constant welcome in the King's tent, not many ever dared to go there. Such a place was too sacred to be entered upon so lightly. But now, as the King set her down in the middle of His tent, she felt as if it was the most natural thing in the world to be here in the King's closest presence.
Still holding her sword, He sat down in his throne. He appeared to be thinking deeply as He stared at her sword. Finally, after a few moments, he smiled.
"Do you remember when I gave this to you?" He said, nodding toward the sword.
She nodded gently. "Yes. It was when I first became your warrior."
"And do you remember what I said?"
"I remember that You told me how much You loved me."
The King smiled even wider. "Yes, I did. And you thought, at the time, that this sword was a gift of my love to you?"
She sensed that the question was not really a question at all. "Y-yes," she answered, because those had been her exact thoughts.
The King stood and walked to where she was standing. He bent slightly and looked deeply into her eyes. "Why?"
Her heart trembled as she tried to think of an answer. Why indeed? With a sense of defeat welling up inside her, she turned her gaze the floor.
The King lifted her chin with His finger. "It is because you misunderstood My love for you."
A confused look crossed her face, and she waited for Him to explain.
"When I gave you this sword, I did not mean for you to use it forever. I wanted you to use it, because that is what a sword is for. But what I really wanted was for you to let me fight your battles for you. You see, in My giving you a sword and declaring My love for you, I knew there would come a day when you would face a battle you could not win on your own. I had hoped that you would come to me on your own, but nevertheless, I want you to do something very important for Me."
"Of course," she said, though her heart was full with far more words.
The King's gaze grew ever more passionate and serious. "Trust me with your sword. Let me fight your battles for you. Let me carry you to safety. My love for you is all that you have ever needed, and will ever need. Please...just trust in me."
An overwhelming and unexplainable peace washed over her. Oh, yes! That had been what she had always wanted, thought she had never even realized it. She smiled her agreement to her King. Why had it taken her so long to see that this was, indeed, the place where she needed to be?
The King stroked her face lovingly, and strapped her sword around his waist.
She knew then, deep in her heart the only battles she would ever have to fight would be against herself. But then again, they were battles that could be won simply by surrendering her heart to Him.
What joy filled her soul as she watched her King march into battle...for her!

My heart so full and happy
Near to bursting
Filled with love and joy like never before
Life taking a glorious turn
Dreams fulfilled
Door unlocked; who knows what else is in store?
So happy, it hurts and makes me cry
So happy, at times, I think I can fly

But then…

A bitter knife cuts deep
A thief tries to steal
The Enemy whispers lies
And wounds what has been healed

Regret seeps in, Discouragement comes
To poison my hopes and dreams
Loyalties broken, Friendships betrayed
…But my heart gathers its courage and screams:

You shall not win! You shall not conquer!
My story is God’s, and He is my author!

Take back your bitterness
Let go of me
You shall not use the past against me!
No matter who leaves me
I stand strong
Despite every disheartening thing I see

Let other choose paths contrary
I choose this way
People do what is important to them
This is important to me

You shall not discourage me.

I declare to you, Enemy in Darkness:
The High King of my heart has the victory
Your plan of sabotage will never work
I will not submit to your way

I will not loose heart
No matter what
Even in the face of all the hurt that tries to get in
I refuse to want revenge
Or feel bitter
Because that is when the Enemy wins

I refuse to be discouraged
I refuse to loose heart
I refuse to feel bitter
I refuse to take part
In this game

“…Let us now be weary in well doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” (Gal.6:9)

My heart is so full of love and joy
Bursting in happiness
There is no room for discouragement, bitterness, doubt, fear
I look ahead, into the eyes of those around me
Truly loving, holding my hands
I shut out all others---God’s is the only voice I hear



By Hannah McMichael
May 4, 2011

As much I love peace and quiet, I love chaos and craziness. Yeah, I'm nuts. You know the mad rush to get everyone dressed and in the car by a certain time on Sunday mornings for church? I love that. I've always loved that. It scares me, but maybe that's why I love it so much.



Our dryer busted, and thankfully we had our first fully 70 degree day this spring, simultaneously. So I was hanging laundry outside for the first time this year, just Tuesday. Oooh, it felt so lovely! The wind was vicious, whipping so hard I could barely stand straight. At one point, I stopped fighting it, and just threw my arms out, faced the wind and absorbed it. I giggled like a giddy school girl. It was thrilling and beautiful and...dangerous. And I loved it.There is so much in the world that tells us to be safe. They make safer cars, safer houses, no-slip shoes, you name it. And while I agree we cannot live recklessly or put other people in danger, this safety obsession is affecting our hearts. The world has forgotten how to live adventurously, even wild and dangerously. Why is it I find such pleasure in the Sunday morning rush, or in a vicously windy day? Because it's wild and adventurous!




There is so much in life to be excited about. God is just pouring love and blessing my socks off. He loves me and romances me. He's given me beautiful keys of healthy living and taught me how to keep my body vibrantly and exuberantly healthy. My family loves me. I have countless friends who are ever so dear to me, and several "adopted" siblings and families. I have people that love me for reasons I am yet to understand. I am part of a ministry that surprises me and blesses me every single day. Oh, dear Lord! I don't deserve such goodness.




So much has led up to this point. God has been preparing me, through the heartaches, uncertainties, frustrations, health mysteries, and journeys of faith, for this moment. Everything has been leading up to now. And now is when my resolve is tested, my courage tried. Will I be able to stand? Will I be strong enough? Well, probably not, because I am human. But it is because I am human that God is my strength. With Him, and only with Him, will I presevere and remain true to all He has taught me.




So much depends on now. The future, generations to come, the rest of my life, the lives of others, hearts and people are depending on me. So many watch to see my next move, as if in a game of chess where I am the piece that determines the rest of the game.



I've been given all the pieces of this puzzle, and I have one chance to put them together right. God does that sometimes...He hands us things which we never wished for, and that we do not know we are prepared for. I never wished to lead. I have always been a follower. Now, I am looked to as the leader. Yet, what they sometimes do not realize is that I am a leader that can go nowhere without my people around me. I am nothing without them. I was prepared for this, and never knew it. I'm still not sure how I feel about being a leader. Part of me is honored to have this opportunity, and the other part wants to shake my head and hide behind the nearest person. Such mixed emotions...wishing to follow, and knowing I must lead, at least for a while.



That God could make a leader out of me is an impossible thought. And apparently I have a penchant for believing in the impossible. All the goodness I now see around me is impossible. It's impossible that the people who have chosen to love me could ever find reason to. Impossible that the beauty I see is real. Impossible that every dream I've ever dreamt could really come true.
Yet that is what faith can do...



"It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
Its just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water, but it'll be alright

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do!"


And now, as I promised my dear Auntie Lisa, a movie review...my thoughts on the film "To Save a Life".



It was as good as I had expected, possibly better. I was impressed with the actors, and moreso with the fact that someone had chosen to make a movie that hit home on some very important issues of life. The message was clear---people are hurting, and we can help.


Growing up in a conservative Christian home, I had been told about the struggles many people go through...drugs, self-abuse, teen pregnancies, suicide, etc. But things like that hit a lot harder when they are presented in a way that is personal and real. These aren't just things that happen in a land far, far away. They happen here, now, in the next house, to the person at the next table and the person behind you at the checkout. All around, life is dark and bitter for so many people. And by one simple act of love, that life can suddenly take on a whole different color.


All in all, To Save a Life was a movie worth watching, but I'd say for anyone over 16. Fast forward through the first party scene (the only part, really, that I thought would have been better left out of the movie, though I understand their point and why they put it in.). The end was confusing, and I'm still not sure about it, but it worked, the story got told, and they all lived happily ever after. :)

**Beware: This post contains the rantings and ventings of a currently rather moody girl. This post may or may not make any sense at all, and the author shall not be held responsible for any maladies the reader experiences, including dizziness, nausea, loss of sight or speech, or migraine headaches. Thank you.**

Ok, this has been bugging me for a while now. I saw a church billboard just recently that took the saying “The family that prayer together stays together” and changed it into “The family that prays together has a better chance of staying together”.
Is that not the most discouraging thing ever written? I mean, seriously…we are now leaving the idea of families staying together up to pure chance? Even with prayer?
This just makes me downright mad. Why leave it up to chance? Why is it okay for a good family to just be a chance? We’re leaving strong marriages and good families up to LUCK?
My dad always likes to say “Luck is where opportunity and preparation meet.” So if you are prepared and the opportunity comes knocking, consider yourself lucky. But you won’t be lucky if the opportunity comes and you are not prepared.
Same thing goes. Good marriages and good families don’t happen by chance. People don’t stay together by chance. Relationships don’t work out by chance.
You make it work!
Have we become such a passive, churchy, conservative people that we have forgotten how to fight?
We are told by the “good Christians” to be like Jesus, and then given a picture of Jesus, the quiet preacher, the guy that held babies and lambs, so passive and gentle. That’s the Lamb part of Jesus. But what they don’t tell you is that Jesus has another side. He is the Lamb…but He’s also the Lion. He’s the passionate, dangerous, fearsome lover and bold leader! He is the God that works the impossible! He is the Warrior, the Bravest Heart of them all!
Okay, so we’ve got the passive Lamb part down.
Now who’s going to be the Lion?
Who will shun the idea that true love and family and marriage and life and everything good and wonderful only happens by chance? Who will stand and fight?
Bad times come. We live in a fallen world. Life will not be perfect. We carry our past, the past actions and choices of our families, and anything else bad and discouraging the world tacks to our shoulders with us the rest of our lives.
But we can choose to be better. We choose to be one step better than the generation before us. And we choose to prepare the next generation to be one step better than us.
We choose to make marriage work and to make it be for life.
We choose to forgive.
We choose to show grace to those who have stumbled, and to move on.
We choose to not leave our families up to chance, but to fight and to triumph!

I never understood it. I heard people talk about “joyfully waiting”, or being content in waiting, and I always wanted it. I strove to be happy while waiting, but it never lasted. I could usually pull it off for a day or two, but then I’d be right back to my impatient grumbling and worrying. It sounded ridiculous! I nearly had myself convinced that people who said they were content waiting were making it up. How could it be possible? I couldn’t understand it and I couldn’t reach it. I began to figure I’d forever be impatient and discontent.

But that was me talking.

I understand it now.

There was a reason I couldn’t find happiness in waiting. It was simply because I was not waiting for the right things. Ever since my heart began to grow in the knowledge of things like faith and love, I’d been dodging doctrine and chasing after stories that weren’t mine.

Imagine my shock when I figured out that my story was as simple getting my heart and mind in line with God, growing in doctrine and faith, and waiting for God to show me my love story!

Peace is found, not in getting to where you think you need to be, but rather looking at each step, focusing only on that single step, and then taking the next one, and (get this!) ENJOYING each step as you take it!

Joy comes when we know what to wait for. When you find out really what God wants you to wait for, waiting becomes so much easier. When you believe that God has shown you what He wants for you, and you know that it will all turn out right and beautiful in the end…oh, what sweet satisfaction!!

God does nothing haphazardly. His purpose is right and perfect. He is not the author of confusion or discontent. Being aware of His voice and heeding it can bring only the purest of happiness!

Waiting is good for us. It teaches us what is right and what is wrong. As Michael Phillips aptly put, “In all His purposes for the world, The Creator allows time to accomplish them. Whether it be in an individual heart, in the relationships of a family, or in the history of a nation, time teaches, time heals, time strengthens, time deepens roots and gives perspective. For time is an essential element of growth and a necessary catalyst for the development of maturity and wisdom.”

I know now what it means to find unbridled joy in waiting for something you know is God’s plan. I understand it. Life makes sense. God makes sense. Even I sorta make sense!

Thank you, Sweet Jesus!

Don’t be afraid of time and of waiting. You are in the right way. Be confident that God is making everything beautiful, even if you can’t see it right now. Waiting makes everything better, deeper, and sweeter.

"The times I love so dear go so fast. I barely have time to blink! The Victorian Ball---so lovely to dance for 5 hours straight and meeting so many unexpected friends. And yet its gone, like a beautiful dream I was brutally woken up from. My visit with the Wrights and Mike and Andy---planned for several weeks trying to put it together and it lasted just 5 hours. Like a bubble, short lived and gone in a snap.
"...I cannot believe that everything down here that we as Christians take pleasure in will be totally done away with in Heaven. How can I be filled with such joy and ecstacy when I'm dancing or even when I'm just playing games with my dear friends if it is not from God?
"Who can say that there is not such equal joy and pleasure in Heaven? I have never liked thinking about eternity especially when presented with the idea that all we will do is sing worship songs with the angels. That is unappealing and just wierd. God is so much more imaginitive than that! If he gave us dancing down here, why not in Heaven? He gave us the thrill of physical touch, the encouragement of kind words, the beauty of friendship on earth---why would he not have that in Heaven?
"God created romance. Are you telling me that's only for earth? Do you want me to believe that God's greatest plasure given to mankind is merely a momentary earthly thing and that the best thing God could ever come up with for a physical selves is doomed to earth? Something so holy and perfect is forever bound to sinful earth? You've got to be kidding me.
"I tell you Heaven is not angels singing worship forever. It cannot be, or else God would not have made earth so wonderful. As believers in Christ, we leave earth knowing we go to something far better! How disappointing to think we leave this beautiful world of friendship, romance, dancing, touch, words, people, smiles and laughing, to go to harps, clouds and angels. Not a fair trade, I think.
"Oh no. God would not make his home so much less beautiful and pleasureful and interesting than ours.
"I believe in the God of Wonders, and I believe that when I die, I go to Paradise, the High Places, the Celestial City. This is not Precious Moments heaven. This is Heaven, home of the God of the Universe.
"Look at all He created and I dare you to tell me His home is less incredible."

[I'd encourage everyone to read "The Sacred Romance" by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis.]

Love, Hannah

My friend Jason recently brought up a point on the subject of kissing (per my last blog post) that got me thinking. He stated that most people decide to save their first kiss for the wedding because of pride; more or less so they could stand up in front of everyone and proudly declare their waiting (i.e., self-righteousness). I had heard this opinion before, but this comment struck a chord, and I thought it deserved a little attention.

Is that why we are waiting? Pride?

I thought it was a conviction.

So if it is prideful to save your kisses, does that mean its an act of humility to just kiss whenever? And if this is true, what about other things? Doesn’t this idea assume that other things we choose to do (or not do) are acts of pride…that we do things just to be able to tell other people?

For instance, when someone is uncomfortable with dancing, we say they have a personal or family conviction. We don’t say they are prideful. When someone doesn’t like rock music, we say they have a conviction or personal preference. It doesn’t have anything to do with pride.

A decision to do or not do something, when made in the proper, God-glorifying mindset, is not automatically a self-righteous “Hey, look at me, I’m better than you” thing. If it were then wouldn’t this idea mean that practicing abstinence before marriage be prideful? After all, the purpose is to be able to say we are sexually pure before the wedding…right?

If being convicted, feeling deeply, about something meant that we were inflicted with pride, then we’d all be in big trouble. If it is pride to say we are different and separate from the world’s common idea of things, then half the things we say and do are wrong…including saying we are Christians. What is our real motive anyways?

This is actually a very good reminder for us. We need to be so careful that what we do is because of conviction, because we feel so deeply about something, and not for any other reason. If a choice to do or not do something hangs only on how it boosts our standing in a church or certain group of people, then yes, it’s pride. The majority of what we do (homeschool, ministry, courtship, purity, music choices, etc.) could most certainly be labeled as prideful if we do it only because the rest of the crowd does. But I honestly don’t think that the people who choose to homeschool, go into ministry, practice courtship, remain sexually pure, only listen to Christian music, or save their kisses for marriage are doing it because the crowd does. These are things that go against the crowd. They are not easy things to choose. In fact, it is a humbling thing to choose something the world sees as downright weird. That being said, we still need to watch ourselves, because often we spend so much time with our “in-group” of homeschooled/courting/Christians that we forget what its like out in the world where we are looked on as creatures from another planet. This is when, yes, we can get prideful.

I feel very deeply about certain things. Saving my kisses is one of them. I have at least a dozen very good reasons to wait to kiss till my wedding day, and if I’m not going to wait, then I’d better have a dozen reasons just as good, if not better. I want something different. I want something special. I want to show my world how it is possible to wait to kiss one man and one man only. If this is pride, then so be it. But I don’t think so.

I recently shared an article on Facebook from Feelin’ Feminine on the subject of kissing. It created a little bit of a stir, and since I had been thinking about this topic lately, I thought I should better explain my thoughts and where I stand.

When I was ten years old my mom first impressed upon me this idea of saving one’s first kiss for the wedding. It was then that I made a promise to God and myself to keep my kiss. At first it was just the respect of young girl for her mother’s opinions, but as I grew up, it became much more than that. I began to read courtship stories online, and various articles about first kisses. I was intrigued with this idea that a couple would actually wait to kiss for the very first time until they were married. The movies I watched and the books I read defied this idea…I was about thirteen when I read Janette Oke’s Love Comes Softly series, full of kisses by unwed people. Sure it was sweet and the characters generally married the people they kissed. But then I would go back to the “kiss saver” stories I’d read, and think just how much more special that was!

I was about 18 when the world of online forums entered my life in the form of Homeschool Alumni.org. Opinions and discussions abounded, and every thread I found showed that this subject had been hashed and rehashed a thousand times. The sides were almost even. Some said “Save your first kiss!” Others insisted, “What’s the big deal?” Of course, this all made me wonder. Really…what IS the big deal?

No, it isn’t really a Biblical issue. Yes, I could bring up a whole slew of verses about guarding one’s heart, or use the one that Feelin’ Feminine did about not awakening love before the proper time. You could use these verses in any context. But I think that this is more of a moral and cultural issue.

Our world culture tries to tell us that kissing is fine, everyone does it, and it doesn’t really mean anything. Of course, they try using this line of thought for drugs, alcohol and premarital sexual relations, too. Everyone does it. What’s the big deal?

But hang on and look at what our culture really says. Take a look at any of your favorite books or movies. Whenever two people kiss, something changes. They don’t just go on living and act like nothing happened. The look in their eyes after the kiss tells something deep. The secret communication, even across a room, that happens when they meet again, says that there was more in that kiss than just two sets of lips touching. Think of Anakin and Padme. Aragorn and Arwen. Nathaniel and Cora. The list is endless. A kiss is something special.

So why do we try to make it not special?

One person in a forum discussion stated “That’s an awful lot of firsts for one night.” Wait a second. If this is our logic towards kissing, it’s flawed. An awful lot of firsts for one night? So, what…you’re saying you should get in some practice before the wedding? Hmm…this is where things get shaky.

If you think kissing is okay before marriage because you don’t want things to be “that awkward” on your wedding night, and you think that’s too many firsts for one night, than we’ve got some priorities mixed up. Isn’t that the whole point of your “first night”? If it isn’t your first night, then what is it? And if we follow this logic, then isn’t having sexual relations before the wedding okay too? Talk about a lot of firsts on one night. You’ve practiced kissing…what about the rest? Why draw a line?

Of course, some would throw into this argument, “Why are you picking on kissing? What about hugs? Isn’t that just as bad?” Well, no, I wouldn’t say, but that would depend on the context of the hug. I don’t go around hugging everyone. The guys I hug are few, and they are only of the best of my friends. I mostly hug my girlfriends. But I don’t kiss them. Humans are physical beings, and that is how a lot of people show love, and a lot of people have a hard time feeling loved without some sort of physical contact. Even babies who are barely old enough to walk will wrap their arms around you, and they have no idea what sexual love is. A hug, in a loving friendly context, is not the same as a kiss. Hugs are comforting, encouraging, and happy.

A kiss, between a man and a woman, is something different entirely. You can see it in the eyes of people who kiss for the first time. The wonder and excitement is there as they search each other’s faces to see if they felt the same electricity. In the movie The Princess Diaries 2: The Royal Engagement, the heroine finds herself engaged to a man she does not love. When they both realize this, he kisses her and they both admit that there was no “spark” between them. They used a kiss to find this out. Hello! This scene again and again reminds me that there is something deep and special about a kiss.

I still have my first kiss…I’ve never kissed a guy over the age of one. I plan on still having my first kiss at my wedding. And I’m not here to condemn anyone. If you’re not married and you’ve already kissed your beloved, then that is your choice. If you can kiss and save the rest for your first night, then good for you…you’ve done better than most.

But I would challenge your thinking. Remember that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and what you do reflects God. Does kissing before your married show the world Christ in you? When all the world around you is kissing and doing everything else without consequence or care, would you not be a greater light if you bucked that trend, and did something different? Waiting is not easy. No one ever said it was. But think of being able to say to the world “We are saving our kisses for when we are married.” Think of being able to stand up on your wedding day, and declare to everyone “I have honored this person that I am now committing the rest of my life to by keeping my first kiss for him/her to share on this our wedding day.” Think of how the words “You may now kiss the bride” will hold a brand new meaning for you.

Just think.