Hannah's Heartstrings

"What happened to the girl I married?"

My husband's words cut me deeply, and shook something inside me that had been forgotten. How could I have forgotten so much of myself in such a short period of time?

He fell in love with a bright, confident, excited girl who stood up for what she believed in, thrived on adventure, worked hard, and smiled a lot. Now all that was left was a sullen, anxious, exhausted person who stressed out over literally every single thing and had to give herself pep talks for days before leaving the house.

I don't know exactly where it started. Postpartum was the biggest culprit, but if I look back I can see the fade starting to happen well before that. Having my baby, while the single most amazing event of my entire life, shoved me into a very dark spiral. Everyone talks about postpartum depression and I was prepared for that. But no one talks about postpartum anxiety, and I had no idea how to handle the intense fear, worry, and stress that gripped my heart when I found myself with a newborn baby in my arms.

It hit me hard when Kyle went on a weekend trip with some church friends to a Bible conference in Chicago, and I was home alone for three days with my two month old. I had encouraged him to go, even when he was hesitant to, but as soon as he walked out the door, i felt immobilized and more scared then ever in my life. I could not get my mind to shut off and had worked myself into such a state that by the end of the weekend, I came down with my fourth case of mastitis since Titus's birth. I realized at that point that I had a big problem.

Since then, much of my mental and emotional energy has been focused on figuring out what I needed to do to get better, setting boundaries, simplifying my life and expectations, and really just taking care of myself, which is hard to do as a new mom. But I found that once I really recognized what was wrong with me and put a name on it, that's when the healing began.

Above all, I wanted to become that energetic, confident, bright girl that my husband fell in love with. Not just for him, but also because I had lost sight of so much of myself.

I wanted to feel shiny again.

So one step at at time, I started taking myself back.

I made an effort to quit feeling sorry for myself. Oh, most days there's just no hope where that's concerned. But in little strides, I focused on acknowledging that this is my life now, and it is, amidst all the frustrations and exhaustion, a most beautiful life. I am living my dream, and even if it means less sleep and fewer showers, there's nothing else I'd rather be doing with my life.

The old ball and chain.

Tying the noose. 

Looks like you're trapped for the rest of your life.

Oh, the jokes. Of course, they are mostly geared toward men. Because everyone knows that the wife is the boss, right? Once you get married, for men and women, its the end of all your fun. Oh and then, just give it a year...wait till the honeymoon wears off...then you'll be just like everyone else. Miserable. Then you get kids and they ruin your marriage all together. Just wait. You'll see.

People love to treat marriage like its the end of the world. But the truth is, its only the end of the world if all your world consists of is late-night partying, irresponsibility, sleeping around, and no commitment.

My marriage set me free.

I got married because I wasn't afraid to commit my life to the man I wanted to be with. And in return, I have gained a whole world that wasn't there before.

I now have the freedom to kiss him without judgement.

I have the freedom to be alone with him without speculation.

I am able to have sex with him without any twinge of guilt.

I don't have to wonder if I'm loved, because he tells me every day.

Marriage lets me share he same home with this man, without any questions or want of explanation.

I know you're probably thinking...so what? Marriage set you free from what people think of you? What does it matter what people think? Its none of  their business!

Well, you're partially right. It doesn't matter what people think.

But it does matter what people think.

You can't live your life trying to fit into a mold, or live up to everyone else's expectations. But you do need to live your life in a way that encourages people to come to the right conclusions about you. Just because its none of their business doesn't mean you should throw morals and values out the door. People are still going to judge you, whether they say they will or not. So don't give them a reason to think the wrong thing.

Marriage set me free from people thinking the wrong thing.

So is that it? I just got married to avoid speculation? Haha. No.

I got married because I fell in love and wasn't afraid of commitment. Marriage set me free to live the life I had always dreamed of. It gave me all new territory to explore that I never would have had when I was single. Even when we were dating, it was nothing like what we have now. We are free to build a life together, because we did it against the flow of what society told us to do. They told us we should live together first, try out sex first, just in case we didn't like each other. But we chose to give this life all we have, commit to each other for a lifetime, and then enjoy the benefits. This way, we don't spend every day wondering if its still working, wondering if we like each other. We spend every day proving it. Cultivating it.

Yes, marriage is still work. There are the rough days, the tired days.

But for me, marriage is freedom.

I recently shared an article I came across on Facebook. The writer jumped into the issue of modesty, and gave some interesting points. She built on the idea that it should not be the responsibility of a women to try to control a man's thoughts by dressing (or not dressing) a certain way, and in many ways I agree with that. We cannot seek to dress in such a way that will prevent a man from noticing and admiring the natural curves of our body, because its unrealistic. We can, however, strive to adorn ourselves in a way that lets our character and personality shine. There are parts of our body that should be honored by keeping them covered, but not because we are ashamed of them. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. That doesn't mean flaunt it if you've got it. But I think we have gotten so wrapped up in our ideas of what modest dress should be that we have forgotten to dress with class and dignity.

Its not our responsibility to keep men from lusting after us. We can't control it, not matter how conservatively we dress. However, we do have the opportunity to suggest through our dress what we do want people to think of us. Like it or not, we live in a world where we are judged and given labels based on what we wear. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked if I am or was Amish, just because I wear a lot of skirts and like my hair up in a bun.

Your clothing can say a lot about you. Therefore, your goal should not be trying to prevent people from thinking the wrong thing, but instead, focusing on encouraging them to think the right thing. Be comfortable, be yourself, let your God-given personality be defined, and let the Holy Spirit shine through you.


While thinking of all these thoughts on modesty, a friend sparked a conversation about how to teach our kids about sex when the time comes. I'll admit, its always a daunting thought to me. But it occurred to me...why should it be such a scary idea? Sex is beautiful and fun and why shouldn't I be excited to tell them about it? Sex is sacred and special, and something to be enjoyed to the fullest between a man and his wife. I hope and pray that we can give our kids a good enough example in life and communicate to them how wonderful these things are, so that when its their turn, they can face it with joy and with grateful hearts.

The kids of my generation and circles like to talk about how the purity movement damaged our thinking about sex. How most of us were so burdened by trying to keep ourselves physically and emotionally pure that, most of the time, we were simply plagued with the guilt of thinking we may have been impure by noticing someone of the opposite sex. And when we came to actually doing the deed, we were frightened. Really, sincerely frightened. Now, some will say that these were worst case scenarios, but I think there are a great number of us that experienced this to some degree.


We were extreme. We kissed dating goodbye and fell in love with courtship. We swung the pendulum so far in one direction that we forgot what the middle ground was like. So what is happening next? We swing it the opposite way. We hear the words---.modesty.purity.courtship.---even homeschool---and we run.

And then...we blame our parents.

They were controlling. They were possessive and crazy. They just wanted to shelter us and never let us out in the real world. They just feared the world and all in it, and wanted to keep us from it.

Those bad parents.

Seriously?

I have to say...we are messing this up even worse than it already is. Do we even realize what we are doing?

I realize that there are people who have taken the modesty/purity/homeschool culture way too far. And then you have the Doug Phillips and Bill Gothard scandals. I know many parents have cause irreversible damage and suffering in their children because of the standards and rules they enforced. They really did take it an unhealthy level. I'll never dispute that.

But I will point out one very important thing: they suffered too.

We have lost sight of what came before us and why we ended up where we did. We think its all about us. We were the ones jaded by legalism and tormented by the patriarchal system. But I'll say it again: our parents suffered too.

Most of our parents were not raised the way we were. Many of them were first generation Christians, first generation homeschoolers, first generation couples-that-actually-stayed-married, and so on. Most of them had no idea what they were doing. All they knew was that what they went through as kids/young adults didn't work and they wanted something different for their kids. So the pendulum got swung as far from what they knew as they could get, and the modesty/purity/homeschool culture was born.

They saw that traditional American dating-with-no-goal-of-marriage didn't work very well, and so Courtship was born (or should I say reborn?).

They saw that the public school system was full of crap (still is...), and so Homeschooling was born.

They saw that casual, premarital sex was causing damage, and so Purity was born (or should I say redifined?).

They knew the pain in their own hearts from the lives they had lived, and wanted to protect us from the same pain. They wanted to give us different opportunities and wanted to raise us as Biblically as they knew how.

They saw what didn't work, and went the opposite way. Hey...aren't we trying to do the same thing?

Let us not be so swift to judge the choices our parents made. Their choices were born out of their own pain, and so are our choices. We are making choices based on the same emotions that spurred our parents on, but this is where we have to be careful not to be so anxious to get away from what hurt us that we swing that pendulum so far the other direction and end up in the same hell hole our parents crawled out of.

Let's take what we now know, and turn it into something beautiful. Let's not just focus on "not doing what our parents did", but instead focus on why. We can do better than our parents, because they did better than theirs. And our kids will do better than us. But not if we are stuck in bitterness and self-pity. We had a rough past...ok, so let's get over it and move into the future. Modesty, purity, homeschooling, biblical manhood and womanhood, courtship-also-known-as-dating-with-a-purpose, saving sex for marriage...these are all still good things! Let's bring them out of their extremist past and give them freedom to work they way God intended!

We have a chance to find the happy medium. Let us not waste it nursing our wounds with our hatred of the culture that shaped us into the people we are today. We are who we are because of where we came from. We can't stay there, but we can take what we have learned and let the pendulum settle gracefully in the middle.

I'll admit. I haven't really been fair to the Duggar family. My friend Janet knows this better than anyone. She knows that whenever she mentions the Duggar family, or any "big-christian-homeschool-family-especially-ones-that-sing-together"...I get an attitude. A bitterness, as it were, rises up in my heart and I try to change the subject. She has put up with many of my rants about the Patriarchal system, betrothal, courtship, the having-as-many-kids-as-you-can thing...all of it.

(Off topic plug: Janet is the best friend I have ever had. For nearly 13 years, she has stuck by me through thick and thin. We have grown up together while separated by many miles. She has put up with my rantings and ravings like no one else. No matter what, even if she doesn't agree with me, we still get along. She has never huffed off all offended by anything I've said, and is the most faithful friend I have ever known. <3 )

This morning I read an article about the latest Duggar romance. Actually there are posts all over the place about Jill's courtship with her missionary man and how she met him via Skype and started their relationship before they met. Google anything about Duggar courtships and you get an onslaught of post and interviews and videos talking about their courtship rules and whatnot. Needless to say...they're pretty popular.

But this morning's post made me realize something.

I've been bitter against these people unjustly.

I'm not being sarcastic here. I'm truly honest. I've disliked them unfairly. Am I still kind of weirded out by how famous they have become? Yeah, it still irritates me, but whatever...its their life.

But this is what has made me realize how unfair I have been: they are raising good kids.

One son married with three kids and very successful. Two daughters in relationships with good, strong Christian men. The others well on their way.

They are doing something right!

So what I've realized is that maybe instead of being resentful against them for being so famous for their over-sized family and strict conservative rules...maybe instead of watching and waiting for one of them to mess up...maybe I should be cheering them on!

Sure I don't agree with their biblical doctrine, but that's not the issue here. The issue is that they are raising, good, pure, successful, happy, polite, drug-free people that value marriage, family and God. What is so wrong with that?

There is nothing wrong with a couple "dating with the intent of marriage" (aka courting), saving sex for marriage, saving 99% of physical contact for marriage and focusing on their spiritual and emotional growth together first. What a foundation to have! Maybe if more people valued marriage like that, there would be less heartache and divorce in this world.

There is nothing wrong with the family being involved in that process. People young and in love need good counsel and eyes other than their own to see the red flags that we miss through our rose-colored-glasses.Yes, of course, they are adults, and not every couple is blessed with Godly, reasonable, understanding parents. But there is always someone out there, even if its just your friends, that can give counsel, wisdom and accountability.

I could go on and on, but the point is this. There is nothing wrong with the way the Duggar family, or any of these families live. They aren't perfect...but then again they never make that claim. They do the best that they know how and strive to raise their families to be honorable in the sight of God and man. Some may fall, yes. But so far the odds are for them. They are doing alright here! So why hate them for raising the bar and releasing some beautiful, God-fearing people into the world?

In closing, I'm sorry, Duggars. And everyone else. Keep doing what you are doing. Thank you for valuing marriage and family and giving your kids an amazing foundation.

Marriage is about love. Love and family and equality. Love, love, love. All we need is love.

Or so they say.

You know who ‘they’ are. They are the ones whose ‘pride’ we are forced to tolerate, meanwhile anything that offends them is quickly silenced or sentenced. That’s pretty irritating, but what’s worse is the ideas they are sugar coating and hand feeding to the emotions of anyone that will listen.

Love is all you need, they say.

They’re wrong. And there will never come a time when they will cease being wrong.

If love was all we needed, then life would be easy. Loving would be easier. Love wouldn’t die or fade. Love would be more than a feeling, and would be way more trustworthy.

Relationships based solely on love fail. Daily. People fall in love, marry without any other foundation, and when life falls apart and love had died in their hearts, they have nothing to fall back on. Living on love is selfish unless it has the right foundation.

Sure, love is great. But love by itself is shaky. Love needs other things in order to work properly.

I will love my husband for as long as I live. But if I can’t show him grace when he irritates me, be a servant to him when he tracks mud through my kitchen, satisfy and pleasure him even if I get nothing out of it, or be kind and patient with him through all the foibles of life…then my love means nothing.

The other side of this is that without love, my grace, patience, servitude, and kindness mean nothing if my heart is bitter against him. Without a right and loving attitude, those actions mean nothing.

Each thing by itself is shallow if the attitude and motive behind it is wrongly placed. It all works together, and together builds a beautiful foundation…one that God designed to last through the ages.

We need love. We need grace. We need forgiveness, kindness, patience, longsuffering. We need all of it.

Let me start out by clarifying a few things.

With all my heart, I believe that marriage is a wonderful, beautiful and God-ordained institution. I believe it should be treasured, protected and fought for at all costs. I believe that relationships leading up to marriage should be held with a high level of importance, and that those who are not ready to enter into a marriage should really not be involving themselves in romantic relationships.

So yes. I have some high standards.

But something I’ve noticed keeps bugging me.

The courtship versus dating battle keeps on raging, although it seems with not quite as much rage as in years past. The conservative Christian community insists that courtship is the Biblical alternative to dating, and in many ways, they are still right. For all of the reasons I stated before, courtship appears, on the outside, to be what every Christian should be striving for in their romantic conquests. At its basic definition, courtship is the way to go. No doubt.

But like so many other things that we conservative Christian people, especially in the home school community, have taken and run with…we’ve messed it up. So badly that many of our peers are turning away from it with a holy vengeance, swearing that it ruined their lives. Why?

I think its because of how courtship is presented nowadays, and how we’ve got it stuck in our minds.

What I’ve noticed is that there is far too much hype over courtship. Someone who is adamant about courtship and preaches it faithfully, when they finally do enter into it themselves, make the biggest deal out of it. A celebration is called for! Blessings abound! Pictures are taken! Oh, but don’t get too close cause you’re not married yet, even though with all the fluff and fuss, you’d think they were! And so begins your time of getting to know each other, odds are with complete parental supervision (including all messages and conversations), and so much rejoicing over this wonderful relationship.

And then…something happens.

Maybe it’s a truth that comes out, a reality that sinks in, or a personality trait that one didn’t see before. Maybe it’s a belief system, or an opinion about child rearing. Whatever the reason, the relationship goes south, and subsequently ends.

Everyone, but especially the girl in this party, is brokenhearted. Here’s just hoping it didn’t end badly and that the couple can still be friends afterward. All in all, there are still hurt feelings and place in your heart that you pray will be healed so you can move on. Everyone is so surprised. They never saw it coming. Heck, your parents and siblings probably had their wedding outfits picked out already, and were wondering what you were going to name your kids. And odds are, if more than a couple months had passed, you were already wondering the same thing…when and how is he gonna propose?!?

Hold on.

I think this is where we messed it up.

This is COURTSHIP, people. Not a wedding.

Courtship is time when two people who are actively pursuing a marriage relationship can get to know each other on a personal basis to determine whether they are a good fit for each other or not. They can discuss beliefs, opinions, desires, dreams, and ultimately learn as much as they can about each other before taking the step into getting married.

That’s what courtship is.

Courtship is NOT a guarantee for an engagement ring.

Courtship is NOT an assurance that you’ve found the one with whom you want to be with for the rest of your life.

Courtship is NOT a free ticket to a wedding.

But we sure do treat it like it is!

Yes, I do believe that entering a relationship with someone should be taken seriously. I mean, this is someone’s life you are messing with, so you want to be sure that, if everything checks out, this relationship could be something that you would be willing to consummate. It is an exciting time. I mean, its not every day that you find someone whom you genuinely admire and can see yourself (ohmygosh) marrying! And the falling in love part is a-stinkin-mazing, just for the record.

But I think we would do well to tone down the excitement and hype just a tad, so that we are not so shocked and devastated when these things end.

Being in a relationship with someone does not instantly mean that you are going to be planning a wedding in a year or two. We females, especially, have this stuck in our brains. Its no surprise since it is ingrained in our very nature to be relational beings, to crave that sort of relationship and long so deeply for a man to fall in love with us. Its not a bad thing. Really. Its just bad when we make such a big deal about it.

You know what would be really great? To see a meshing of two worlds. To see the serious and the chill coming together. What do you think would happen if we placed the seriousness of courtship with the relaxed, at ease attitude of dating? Probably a culture clash that would result in a full-scale war carried out in vehement Facebook comments and blog posts. But I think you get what I’m saying here.

People in the dating realm spend so much time getting to know each other with very little commitment and a relationship that can easily be broken off. People in the courtship realm spend far less time getting to know each other, but in a setting that demands full commitment and reaps horrid heart consequences if ends without a wedding.

It would just be kinda neat to see a little bit of both.

Call it dating, call it courtship. Call it betrothal for all I care. Whatever label you put on it, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing (did ya get that? That was one of the many things my husband told me during our pre-marriage phase). Relationships are important, so make sure you are doing it for the right reason. If you’re doing it for fun and cause you’re attracted to someone, then maybe you need to step back and grow up some more. But if you are doing it because you genuinely desire to find out if this person is the one you want to marry, then my suggestion would be to just…

…CHILL.

Some time ago (over two and a half years ago, in fact), I posted about saving my first kiss for marriage. This post came about three months before I met the man who would become my husband and ultimately change my life forever. It is very interesting to now step back and see just how much I have changed since then…and how my personal experiences have played out compared to how I planned them as a teenager.

At the time of that posting, my friend Jason challenged me that people who made such a declaration were being prideful. In a bad way. I’ll admit I was a little more than a bit offended and came back with a cunning explanation that my declaration of saving my first kiss for my wedding day was a matter of conviction, not pride.

Mmm-hmm.

A year prior to my kissing post, I wrote a very poignant article on the subject of avoiding certain popular books and movies due to their content. It was mostly about Twilight, but I touched on others such as Harry Potter and High School Musical. I must admit…I was brilliant. It was a really good article. This part in particular hit me when I went back to read it again:
“…The last point I mentioned is one particular reason that I refuse to be a part of any Twilight camp. It’s the same reason I’ve never watched High School Musical, Hannah Montana, Harry Potter, or any of the other popular secular infatuations. Obsession with anything but God is wrong. Passion about anything that does not somehow bring glory to God is dangerous. And indulging in something so demonic and so far from God as Twilight is sickening.
“I believe this with my whole heart, and am cautioning my dear brothers and sisters in Christ to think and pray very hard, and to examine the true motives of their hearts before reading or watching Twilight. We are called to be lights in this world and reflections of our Savior. Is Twilight so beneficial to this calling? Is it so necessary to fill our hearts with such a vile concoction, merely for the ability to discredit it or argue about it?”
Wow. I know, right? For a twenty year old, I really had it going! I’m only being just slightly sarcastic here, because in truth, you gotta at least give me the credit of being firm in what I believed, standing my ground, and speaking out for what I thought was right.

I’m not here to bash my past self and say how stupid I was and how my eyes have been opened to the real world and all that blah-blah that usually happens when a homeschooled, Christian kid gets out into life and has a taste of (dare I say?) rebellion.

I am here to say that I’ve learned a lot over the past 3-4 years.

I’m also here to say that the reasons behind my convictions at those points in the past are still the same.

I did get kissed. By my fiancee. Before we were married. Only my brother and his dad knew about it until after the wedding, and it was the sweetest thing in the entire world. Its literally how we got engaged. We had been talking about getting engaged, and when the night finally came that we made the decision, Kyle whispered to me, “If I kiss you, you’ll know its official.” You see, our kiss was important. It was so important that we wanted it to be between us, and only us. We were adults, and we had already gone through a lot as a couple. Most importantly, we wanted to be together. So we made it official with our first kiss. No fanfare or public display. It was just so perfectly us.

The reason behind that kiss was no different than if we had done it for the first time on our wedding day. The specialness and importance was still so evidently there. The timing and experience was all that was different.

I have watched Harry Potter, and am planning on reading the books. I have also watched High School Musical. The latter was simply for fun, and I have to admit I enjoyed the trilogy a whole lot. I have a weird weakness for that type of music. I still have not watched Twilight, and currently have no desire to, simply because I have better things to watch and it just doesn’t interest me right now. But I have a few things to say about Harry Potter.

I was just a little more than super impressed.

The story was brilliant, if a little strange at times. The characters were unique and lovable, and portrayed traits that we could all do well to learn from. They were courageous, undying loyal to those close to them, with real emotions, hopes and dreams. They stood up for what was right, and knew that some things were more important than even their own lives. They were admirable. And unforgettable. Just like a story should be.

And yet again…my reasoning is the same, though perhaps a little more well thought out than before. And perhaps some will call me a hypocrite for this, and for the kissing thing, but it wouldn’t be the first time, so it is what it is. I watched Harry Potter and High School Musical at a point in my life where I could handle it. I still don’t think young kids and even early teenagers should be allowed to pour over such fandoms, because it is too easy to get sucked in. I remembering being 12 years old and so obsessed with Anne of Green Gables that I could hardly think straight. Talk about being impressionable! The thing I liked most about being introduced to them at a later age was the fact that my days of mooning over and dreaming about such stories are over. Sure I will get emotional over stories…(like who didn’t cry when the Doctor says goodbye to Rose? Or what about that feeling when Ron and Hermoine FINALLY kiss? Or when Flynn Rider saves Rapunzel by cutting off her hair?!?!)…but I will cry over them like a normal girl, mop up my face and move on. The end. I’ve enjoyed it and appreciated it, and now there are other stories.

That’s called maturity people. Ok, well maybe sobbing over a Disney movie isn’t maturity. But knowing how to enjoy a story for what it is, pick out the good stuff and leave the rest…that’s maturity.

I’m still naïve. I will still continue to stick my foot in my mouth about seemingly everything that ever comes out of it. But by golly I will defend what I say to the death until something comes along that proves me otherwise! Oh the burden of being a stubborn little know-it-all. I may not know a thing about what I’m talking about, but at least I think I do and I will hold that stance till kingdom come. And there lies my biggest fault. Now you know.

And yet…maybe its not a fault. Maybe I’m just overly passionate. Maybe I just say things about what I believe and about my preferences in life that I should just keep to myself. For instance, just recently I got into a big Facebook married-women-group argument over a post I made about how I irritated I was with mothers who let their kids run rampant around stores and gave their kids a three-count option of obedience. Oh man…did I take some flack for that! A-hundred-and-sixty-some comments later, I was still the bad, judgmental, childless woman that had no idea what I was talking about and should learn to be more humble. Yeah…maybe I should have just kept that one to myself and spared myself the trouble.

The bottom line is this: I learn, but I learn slowly. So odds are I’ll keep saying things that I later will have to revisit because my experiences have given me a better perspective. Just bear with me.

I’ll get it eventually.

Its been a good month. Well, month and a half now that I’m getting to writing this. The wedding went beautifully, the honeymoon was so much fun, and the beginning of our life after has been full of relaxing and enjoying spending lots of time together. And I've learned a few significant things.

I guess I could better say that I've been slowly learning these things over the past 2+ years of knowing Kyle. But they have become especially significant since being around him 24/7 for extended periods of time. Its so true that things start to feel different once you’re with someone all the time. Its one thing to go on a date, or even spend a few days in each others’ presence. But its another thing to live side by side and do everything you would normally do on an average daily basis together. 

Therefore, these are the things that have been heavily on my mind during our first month of marriage.



Being married is all about your perspective. Perspective is huge. Its easy to be nice to someone when you have stars and hearts flying around your head. But keeping that attitude when that person isn't listening, is grumpy, or is just having a bad day...yeah, that's when the challenge comes.
I can't control how my husband treats me. I cannot coerce or dictate his level of romance. I am the only one I can control. It is not up to me to make sure he is loving me enough or being romantic enough to me. My only job is to make sure I am seeing to his needs, loving on him enough, doing above and beyond for him.
My attitude is crucial. How I react and behave is the crux of everything. "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" said it best: "The man may be the head, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she likes." We women do not realize the power we possess.

For instance, if Kyle is playing a video game and I am bored and want him to spend time with me, I can do one of two things. 1) I can pout and act mad and whine that he isn't paying attention to me. Or... 2) I can take an interest in what he is doing, cuddle up next to him and watch him until he is done.  It's all my choice. Either be happy that he's there with me or whine and make myself miserable. After all, he's a guy and if there is nothing important to do at the moment, there's no reason why he shouldn't enjoy slaying  a few zombies. How I react totally determines the rest of our night.

Yes, obviously guys need to step up, be men, treat their wives beautifully, take care of us, and be our heroes. But not at our bidding. We are not to dictate their behavior towards us. We are only to focus on our behavior towards them and in doing so, invite and entice our knights in shining armor to play their part.

I've written before about applying grace. This falls along the same lines.



We don't have to be perfect. We don't have to have it all together. I don't need to stress out about little stupid things. In twenty years, I won't remember any of it anyways. Odds are, I won't remember that, a month after the wedding, we still didn't have our bed frame set up and there were still boxes of things that needed unpacked. I likely won't remember the amount of time I spent thinking about things I probably could have decided in a few minutes.

Odds are, I'll remember the little things I took advantage of. The way my wedding bouquet looked in that vase on the table. Getting into tickle fights and laughing so hard I could barely breathe. How excited we were the first few times I didn't have to leave the apartment at night to go back to his parents house, or when he could take me home from an event with him. Snuggling in front of a movie. The first bible conference we went together where we actually got to have our own room!! Those are the things I want to remember.

Things are probably going to get difficult. We aren't guaranteed an easy ride in life. All we can do is work hard, be faithful and kind to each other, deal in grace and make the best of every situation. This is our life and we choose how to live it. We have chosen, out of the millions of people on this planet, to spend our lives with each other. We could have picked other people. But no. I chose him and he chose me. We made our choices and now every day must live fulfilling the promises we made to each other.

It doesn't have to be hard. It goes back to that perspective thing. Your attitude is what makes things hard, for the most part. It may not be easy all the time. But it doesn't have to be miserable.