Hannah's Heartstrings

We all know that change is a good thing most of the time. We can't progress in life without changing, and we all make choices whether to change for the better or worse.

But what do you do when changing brings on unexpected dynamics in friend and family relationships?

Sometimes we change, and it's the best thing we could have ever done for ourselves, and when we've finally reached the place we've been working so hard to get, we stop and realize we are alone. We look around and see that during our journey, no one followed us. Instead they are miles behind, possibly across an ever widening chasm, and they have no intention of trying to cross it.

Maybe they are happy where they are, and that's great for them. But that doesn't change the fact that suddenly, they don't understand you. They don't get why you had to follow the path you did. Maybe they even feel a little betrayed because you took off in a different direction than they did. All you know is that suddenly, the people you thought were the kind to stick beside you through thick or thin are standing there looking at you with confused eyes and asking why on earth you are where you are.

It is a sad day when you realize you no longer "fit in" with people you loved so dearly. You are no longer part of "the group", no matter how much you've tried to mend hurt feelings and bridge that gap.

You're an outsider.  They have inside jokes that you don't get. You are no longer the person they make time to visit with. Forget being invited to their weddings and birthday parties, or being sought out for lunch some afternoon. They have other people.

So what now? How do you move on? How you do get over being an outcast or even just a lukewarm acquaintance amongst people you were once as close to as brothers and sisters?

Frankly, I'm not sure you do.

I can't say that I have. Every other day it feels like it hits me from a different angle. Despite being the happiest I have ever been in my life, I constantly feel a guilty reminder that I wasn't always this person. I didn't always prioritize my life this way, and now that I do, I pay the price in losing relationships I thought would last a lifetime.

Perhaps I forgot to tell them I was changing. Maybe it was because I didn't even realize it was happening until it already had. But it did happen, and sometimes, it is a very lonely place to be.

The only thing I can do is, moment by moment, lift up my head and look forward. I have new people,  ones that put effort and love into our relationships. I have people that get me and understand where I am now.

No longer can I mourn the loss of depth in the friends who are now barely more than an acquaintance. While there will always be a corner of my heart devoted to the memories of the times we shared together, looking back constantly at something I can no longer be a part of is exhausting. I am tried of being the little girl on the playground, wistfully looking at the group that won't let me play with them.

Life is too short and my days are too precious to waste carrying any guilt over my past or the decisions that got me here. And the people that now value me as a consistent part of their life are too important to waste time chasing down people who have no time for me.

Sometimes you have to let people go. Always love them, but letting them go may just be the most peaceful thing you do in your life.

Focus on the positive and always keep moving forward.

While we were in Missouri, I had one of the most epic moments of my life. Because of the epicness of it, I felt it deserved its own post.

I met Lydia.

In real-life, flesh-and-blood, huggable reality.

Most people may not understand the immense importance of this, so I will elaborate.

I have known Lydia for Fifteen Years. Fifteen Years. I first came to know her through her penpal ad in her friends' christian girls' magazine. There were several ads, but Lydia's attracted me specially. All the others advertised for penpals of certain ages, limiting the amount of people that could get a chance to reply. But Lydia's was different. She wanted penpals of any age---"from 1 to 100!"

So I wrote to her. And she wrote back. And so it continued in sweet, sometimes sporadic letters over the course of several years. Soon technology entered our lives and we kept in contact through emails and Facebook.

We wished for many years to be able to meet in person, but sadly, Oklahoma is a long way from Pennsylvania. So when Missouri became the closest we have ever been to each other, Lydia made the trip up with her darling mother, sister Abigail and adorable baby girl Zuriel.

The face I've seen in photos, and the voice I've heard over the phone. She's real. I got to hug her.

So I spent the weekend at the Great Lakes Grace Bible Conference in Wilmot, Ohio. It has become as very special place to me, since it was the exact weekend event where I met my husband three years ago, and the location where we decided to get married almost one year ago. Its always such a great experience, with wonderful preachers sharing their knowledge, meeting friends new and old, and seeing the beautiful landscape that is Ohio's Amish Country.


I really think that this was one of the best conferences I've been to, mostly because I focused on being relaxed, soaking in the messages, and simply enjoying it. I didn't have any pressures of wedding planning, or being so newly twitterpatted that I couldn't focus. I got to go, relax, enjoy every second, and go home afterwards with my sweet husband.

And that is where my first observation comes from.

I notice that I am so much more at ease now. I come with my guy and then I leave with him. Before being married, I thrived on staying up late, being in every part of everything and getting as much interaction with people as I possibly could. I cried when I left events and it always felt like there was a big hole left in my heart. The days after a get-together were hard and sad. Now...I simply enjoy the time that I have, I go to bed at a decent hour and at the end, I go home with my favorite person of all time. I like it better this way. :)

I really enjoyed watching people. I have always been the quieter person that listens more than talks and occasionally interjects when I feel I have something significant to say. That is, unless you get me on a subject I like...then I will talk your ear off. But I find it very interesting to just watch people and observe how they behave.

This is observation Number Two.

I saw that some people have an attitude that, because they are at a Bible Conference, they must behave differently than they would normally.

Yeah, this is a Bible conference, so I have to wear this instead of that.
We probably shouldn't watch that movie, or talk about that subject, since we are at a Bible conference.
Oops, I shouldn't say that word, since I'm at a Bible Conference.

You get the idea. And all I am going to say on that note is this...why do we live in a way that forces us to have to act differently in front of our Bible Conference Friends than we would when we are at home?

These are just my observations.

I also noticed that there are people that come to places like this, sit down to listen to speaker, and then get offended by something the speaker says. Bottom line...don't come to something like that and expect to only hear what you want to hear. The speaker merely gave his opinion, and he stated that it was thus several times. There is no reason to have a fit over something he clearly wasn't aiming at you personally.

Again. Just my observation.

On a happier note, I observed a mother deal with something sensitive in a most gracious manner. Her teenage son was spending a lot of time enjoying the company of a young lady whom she was not acquainted with. She wanted to know who the girl was, so she quietly asked around and eventually became good friends with the girl's mom. Now that, I thought, is a great way to keep an eye out on your children and who they are hanging out with. She found out what she wanted to know in a calm and rational manner. She didn't make a big fuss or become defensive. But she was looking out for her son, and she did it with respect and grace.
I admired that a lot. And its little things like that that I put in the back of mind, in a file marked "See that? Remember that when you have kids."

I also observed that when you do something different in your life, you have to expect people to not understand. And you have to try to find a gracious way to explain to them why you do what you do, because they will ask. You can get upset, because often people ask about your differences in ways that are not always the most gracious. They will be blunt and brash. But the bottom line is that they just don't have a clue. And at times, depending on what it is, you intimidate them, and their nervousness cause them to not really think about the question they are asking. Just keep calm and try to avoid beating them about the head. :)

One last thing. We may not be the largest group in the world. We may not be the most well-loved. We may not be the most talented or have the most advertising. But there is a passion here uncommon in many circles. There is a depth of love, grace and wisdom that you don't find just anywhere. And while so many people are trying to get filled up on some watered-down version of Christianity, something very special goes on here. This is real. This is empowering. And I'm not letting go.

I recently watched TLC's "Breaking Amish" series on Netflix. I'm not sure why it intrigued me. Most of it kind of irritated me...way too much drama and bad attitudes. But it spurred on some interesting thoughts, hence this blog post.

"Breaking Amish" chronicles the story of five young Amish/Mennonite people that leave their communities and set off into the outside world. Their journey takes them to New York City as a start, where they get a huge culture shock and dive head first into all that the "English" lifestyle has to offer.

The series is not without plenty of drama, and I found myself fast forwarding a lot. But I think the thing that intrigued me most was the interactions with their families before and after their escapades.

Before they left for the big city, each one was spoken to by one or more family members. They were all told that if they went out and did the things they were planning to, that they would be shunned. When they returned, they were shocked to find that their families would no longer speak to them. One girl's friends even ran from her with their hands on their faces like blinders when they saw her approach in her English clothing. She was heartbroken.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not in any way saying that the Amish lifestyle is right. I disagree with their biblical beliefs entirely, and if I ever had the chance to become friends with someone from that community, I would greatly encourage them to leave.

But the attitudes of  those kids with their families had me shaking my head.

Dude...what did you think was going to happen?

They told you they were not okay with what you were doing. You knew it was against everything they believed in, and you still went on your merry way and did whatever the heck you wanted. Sure, you should be able to make a life for yourself and make decisions on your own. But then to come home and demand that the people who gave you a good and fair warning be tolerant of your new lifestyle? Sorry. It doesn't work that way.

Here is where I believe we have the biggest problem in society today. Everyone wants acceptance and believes that it shouldn't matter what anyone does, you should love and accept them anyways. Maybe some people are okay with this sort of mindset. Heaven knows the media and all the liberal/feminist/feel good junkies of the country are all about just accepting people for "who they are" (aka what they decide to do with their lives). But for me, that's not how it works.

May this be a declaration to my friends and family.

I love you. I will always love you.

But I do not have to love what you do.

I do not have to accept the lifestyles, habits, addictions, choices, or sexual partners you choose to associate with.
I do not have to be okay with the words you use, the friends you hang out with, or your lack of Biblical influence and devotion.
I don't have to tolerate your attitude.
I don't have to act like everything is okay when you are blatantly being disrespectful, partaking in things I don't agree with or living in a way that is opposite of everything I hold dear and important to me.

Love does not equal acceptance. I can love you, the person I have always loved and will continue to. But that doesn't mean I have to accept that you are doing all the things I am against.

Where does grace fit in, you ask? Grace does not gloss over wrong. Grace loves and encourages to do the right thing. Grace does not just leave a person in their pit, afraid to say anything contrary because that person might be offended. Grace loves in spite of wrong, but is not tolerant of it. Grace encourages change and restoration.

So while you are out there finding yourself, remember that I am here with a willing ear and warm hug. I will always love you, but I will never stop praying for you, encouraging you to do the right thing, and hating all the horrid things that are trapping you and keeping you from a rich, fulfilling life in Christ.

People take friendships for granted, as if they are just always going to be there. If you have a friend that you honestly, without putting any thought into it, can know that they will always and forever be there, then lucky you. But most of the time it just doesn't work that way.

Friendships take work. Sure you can hit it off and be best of friends right off the bat. But at one point or another, you are going to hit a rough point. You are going to be at odds about something, argue, get frustrated, not understand each other. Its what people do. And it takes effort and work to get through those points.

But guess what? That's life.

Things hurt. People say things they don't think about. Arguments happen. So do we just pack up our toys and run home crying? I guess some people do. But where do we get this "friendship lasts forever" fantasy?

The simple fact is this: friendship doesn't last forever unless you want it to, and unless you put the work into it. Just like a marriage isn't going to last unless you value it, work at it, and keep it alive, so friendship is the same. It takes time and effort, forgiveness and having the courage to pick things up when they fall apart.

I admit I'm not always the best friend I could be. I say the wrong things. I forget about writing to you, and then just pop up out of the blue. I will probably offend you, and I will say hard things. But I will be honest with you. I will try my hardest to fix things that break. I will be open and real. And if its my honesty, openness and realness that causes you not to be able to trust me...then we've got bigger problems.

Everyone wants a friend that will be there forever.

But not everyone wants to do what it takes to make that possible.

To my friend.

I'm waiting.

Remember that scene in Fireproof when all he can do is wait? He's done everything, and now all he can do is pray, hope and wait for some kind of a response from his wife. He knows he may never get one. But still he waits. Patient. Aching. Hopeful.

I know how that feels.

I remember doing a lot of waiting during my single years. Waiting to meet someone. Waiting and hoping to see if that person reciprocated interest. Waiting to see if this was the right person. Getting let down when it wasn't. I cannot explain the relief I felt on my wedding day. That's right. I was relieved. I had found my love, and he was truly and completely mine. I didn't have to wait to have him anymore.

But that's not the kind of waiting I'm doing right now.

I'm waiting for you.

I've reached out again, attempting to reenter your world. Inviting you back into mine.

Perhaps its just my personality. But I am having a hard time letting you go. I've been told I should. People come and go in our lives all the time, and we have to learn to let people go. But I'm not ready to do that with you. I thought I was. But the ache in my heart won't go away, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm over it.

You were my friend. My sister. We shared such a sweet bond. How can I just let that go?

If you tell me that this is futile, that you can never and will never forgive me, then I will let go once and for all. But I need something. Anything.

So for now...

...I'm waiting.

July 16-21, 2011
Rolling Meadows, IL


Words always fail me when I attempt to describe what touches my heart so deeply. I could use every beautiful adjective in the English language and it still wouldn't cut it.

The majority of my family and I put a thousand miles on our minivan traveling to Chicago and back for the greatest Bible conference I've been to yet. Grace Impact outdid themselves and I have no doubt that the 2011 conference will go down in history.


I got to hear some wonderful speakers: Matt Walker, Bryan Ross, Ted Fellows, Richard Jordan, Des Strydom, John Verstegen, just to name a few. I was thrilled to be learning the information these great men put together for us and thankful for them sharing their knowledge. I was determined not to miss a session as long as I was there, and didn't (although I did walk in a few minutes late a couple times).


Not only did I spend a week immersed in God's word, I also got to spend time with some of my dearest friends and meet some new ones...
Kyle Fellows (our Marine friend who is always an awesome source of conversation and fellowship), Curt Fellows (who keeps me in stitches and didn't want to sit next to me), The Peters Family (my longtime Canadian friends/adopted family), The Luethge sisters (we were continually searching for one of them), Jazmin Rodriguez (the dear sweet girl I sadly did not get to spend enough time with), Matt Walker (fellow Eriean!), Charlie and Rochelle McQuillian, Rita Bauschard, Amy Fellows (so glad to officially meet and man, you sure got me addicted to Bananagrams!!), Debbie Collins and all the others I'm for some reason I'm failing to mention.


You may wonder what I thought of Chicago. Well as cities go, its' pretty cool, famous, huge and slightly scary. Truth be told, I didn't go to Chicago to see Chicago. I went to see the people that were IN Chicago. It could have been Timbuktu for all I cared.


Therefore, my memories consist of the people I was privileged to fellowship with.
Here's some of them:

-Seeing some of my favorite friends and meeting new ones.
-Getting to talk about GenerationNEXT on the stage briefly and with several people afterwards.
-Visiting the Miller family on Monday at their home nearby.
-Playing Ninja with Kyle, Em'Lee and Kylah. (Thanks you guys!)
-Looking at Afghanistan pictures with Kyle.
-The Family picnic.
-Surviving the almost 100-degree heat by remembering that at least we weren't over in Afghanistan with 90lbs of gear on our backs, on patrol and getting shot at.
-Taking pictures and video. So many great opportunities!
-SO much conversation!!! My throat was honestly sore from talking...and I even did more listening!
-I don't think I stopped smiling all week. :)
-I had been up quite early each day, until Wednesday when I overslept an hour and a half past when I wanted to be up, which made me late for the first session. So that night, Kyle offered to come pound on our door the next morning so I'd be up. I managed to be up before he came, but we had him come in and wake the boys up too. Imagine their surprise to find a Marine at the foot of their bed at 5am!! So thanks to Kyle, I made it to the morning session early. :D
-Watching Ted Fellows and Ed Yarber lead singing with Marvin Taylor specially on the song "Glory I'm Saved!" was incredibly special!! There was so much energy on that stage, I almost forgot to sing while watching. :)


I honestly could go on and on. Each day held so may moments that brought me near to joyful tears. I laid in bed each night, just grinning at the beauty and goodness I was seeing.


Saying goodbye is always hard for me. We left between sessions, so I didn't get to say goodbye to some people. I hugged Rita, the Luethge's, Curt, Jazmin, Matt and Kyle before running out the door. We weren't even out of the parking lot when I started crying. I spent the trip home looking at the almost 500 pictures and videos on my camera and reading Jazmin's and Kyle's notes in my autograph book and eating veggie chips. :)


I was terribly sad to leave the people I love so dearly, but euphorically happy to have been able to spend near a week in their presense.


I can say it was wonderful, beautiful, more than my wildest dreams. But the only description that comes even close is this: it was Heavenly.

My heart so full and happy
Near to bursting
Filled with love and joy like never before
Life taking a glorious turn
Dreams fulfilled
Door unlocked; who knows what else is in store?
So happy, it hurts and makes me cry
So happy, at times, I think I can fly

But then…

A bitter knife cuts deep
A thief tries to steal
The Enemy whispers lies
And wounds what has been healed

Regret seeps in, Discouragement comes
To poison my hopes and dreams
Loyalties broken, Friendships betrayed
…But my heart gathers its courage and screams:

You shall not win! You shall not conquer!
My story is God’s, and He is my author!

Take back your bitterness
Let go of me
You shall not use the past against me!
No matter who leaves me
I stand strong
Despite every disheartening thing I see

Let other choose paths contrary
I choose this way
People do what is important to them
This is important to me

You shall not discourage me.

I declare to you, Enemy in Darkness:
The High King of my heart has the victory
Your plan of sabotage will never work
I will not submit to your way

I will not loose heart
No matter what
Even in the face of all the hurt that tries to get in
I refuse to want revenge
Or feel bitter
Because that is when the Enemy wins

I refuse to be discouraged
I refuse to loose heart
I refuse to feel bitter
I refuse to take part
In this game

“…Let us now be weary in well doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” (Gal.6:9)

My heart is so full of love and joy
Bursting in happiness
There is no room for discouragement, bitterness, doubt, fear
I look ahead, into the eyes of those around me
Truly loving, holding my hands
I shut out all others---God’s is the only voice I hear



By Hannah McMichael
May 4, 2011

I've had so many thoughts running through my head over the past 24 hours, its hard to put them all down.

I've thought about Greg, the life he lived, the people he touched, and how much I wish I had gotten to know him better. The complete overhaul of profile pictures and status messages on Facebook was just a small glimpse of the fact that the world has lost one of its brightest stars, and that the next time we get to dance with our friend will be at the Greatest Wedding celebration.

I've thought about Greg's girl, Melody. I'm sorry to say I've yet to get to know her, as I never was quite sure how to introduce my self over the internet. But, Melody, if you read this, I want you to know how much I admire you. Even though its only been online, I've been able to see your love for Greg through pictures. You have gone through a journey that requires the strongest of hearts. Never doubt the beautiful strength that God has given you.

I've thought about how little I really knew Greg. We only met once. To be honest, I think we only had a total of maybe 15 minutes worth of conversation. We did not have much online communication, if any. He asked me to dance once. So why should a person I only was in company with for such a short time have such an impact on me, and stick out so profoundly in my heart? Perhaps it had a lot to do with online posts I read of his. Perhaps it was the way he wrote about his battle with cancer in FB updates.

Frankly, though, I think it had more to do with that one dance.

Greg was an important person in the circle of homeschool graduates that I got to spend the weekend with in the summer of 2009. I mean, everyone knew him, or at least knew of him. He was in charge of the Talent Show. He was one of the "big names" of the HSA world.

Who was I? I was a shy girl of 19, so eager and excited and scared all at once. A few friends had already danced with me, and then Greg asked me for a dance. *ME*. A little nobody in the HSA world. The famous Greg made me feel like a princess.

When its my time to go, will my friends remember me for the way I loved them? Will there be one person that I barely knew who cries for me because of one small act of love that I showed them? Who will I have touched? What will I leave behind?

I was priviledged to be able to meet Greg Wallace at the National Homeschool Alumni Reunion in Colorado in 2009. Greg was promoted to glory today after a long battle with cancer. Farewell Greg! See you in the morning!

Please pray for the Wallace and Hemmer families.

I recently shared an article on Facebook from Feelin’ Feminine on the subject of kissing. It created a little bit of a stir, and since I had been thinking about this topic lately, I thought I should better explain my thoughts and where I stand.

When I was ten years old my mom first impressed upon me this idea of saving one’s first kiss for the wedding. It was then that I made a promise to God and myself to keep my kiss. At first it was just the respect of young girl for her mother’s opinions, but as I grew up, it became much more than that. I began to read courtship stories online, and various articles about first kisses. I was intrigued with this idea that a couple would actually wait to kiss for the very first time until they were married. The movies I watched and the books I read defied this idea…I was about thirteen when I read Janette Oke’s Love Comes Softly series, full of kisses by unwed people. Sure it was sweet and the characters generally married the people they kissed. But then I would go back to the “kiss saver” stories I’d read, and think just how much more special that was!

I was about 18 when the world of online forums entered my life in the form of Homeschool Alumni.org. Opinions and discussions abounded, and every thread I found showed that this subject had been hashed and rehashed a thousand times. The sides were almost even. Some said “Save your first kiss!” Others insisted, “What’s the big deal?” Of course, this all made me wonder. Really…what IS the big deal?

No, it isn’t really a Biblical issue. Yes, I could bring up a whole slew of verses about guarding one’s heart, or use the one that Feelin’ Feminine did about not awakening love before the proper time. You could use these verses in any context. But I think that this is more of a moral and cultural issue.

Our world culture tries to tell us that kissing is fine, everyone does it, and it doesn’t really mean anything. Of course, they try using this line of thought for drugs, alcohol and premarital sexual relations, too. Everyone does it. What’s the big deal?

But hang on and look at what our culture really says. Take a look at any of your favorite books or movies. Whenever two people kiss, something changes. They don’t just go on living and act like nothing happened. The look in their eyes after the kiss tells something deep. The secret communication, even across a room, that happens when they meet again, says that there was more in that kiss than just two sets of lips touching. Think of Anakin and Padme. Aragorn and Arwen. Nathaniel and Cora. The list is endless. A kiss is something special.

So why do we try to make it not special?

One person in a forum discussion stated “That’s an awful lot of firsts for one night.” Wait a second. If this is our logic towards kissing, it’s flawed. An awful lot of firsts for one night? So, what…you’re saying you should get in some practice before the wedding? Hmm…this is where things get shaky.

If you think kissing is okay before marriage because you don’t want things to be “that awkward” on your wedding night, and you think that’s too many firsts for one night, than we’ve got some priorities mixed up. Isn’t that the whole point of your “first night”? If it isn’t your first night, then what is it? And if we follow this logic, then isn’t having sexual relations before the wedding okay too? Talk about a lot of firsts on one night. You’ve practiced kissing…what about the rest? Why draw a line?

Of course, some would throw into this argument, “Why are you picking on kissing? What about hugs? Isn’t that just as bad?” Well, no, I wouldn’t say, but that would depend on the context of the hug. I don’t go around hugging everyone. The guys I hug are few, and they are only of the best of my friends. I mostly hug my girlfriends. But I don’t kiss them. Humans are physical beings, and that is how a lot of people show love, and a lot of people have a hard time feeling loved without some sort of physical contact. Even babies who are barely old enough to walk will wrap their arms around you, and they have no idea what sexual love is. A hug, in a loving friendly context, is not the same as a kiss. Hugs are comforting, encouraging, and happy.

A kiss, between a man and a woman, is something different entirely. You can see it in the eyes of people who kiss for the first time. The wonder and excitement is there as they search each other’s faces to see if they felt the same electricity. In the movie The Princess Diaries 2: The Royal Engagement, the heroine finds herself engaged to a man she does not love. When they both realize this, he kisses her and they both admit that there was no “spark” between them. They used a kiss to find this out. Hello! This scene again and again reminds me that there is something deep and special about a kiss.

I still have my first kiss…I’ve never kissed a guy over the age of one. I plan on still having my first kiss at my wedding. And I’m not here to condemn anyone. If you’re not married and you’ve already kissed your beloved, then that is your choice. If you can kiss and save the rest for your first night, then good for you…you’ve done better than most.

But I would challenge your thinking. Remember that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and what you do reflects God. Does kissing before your married show the world Christ in you? When all the world around you is kissing and doing everything else without consequence or care, would you not be a greater light if you bucked that trend, and did something different? Waiting is not easy. No one ever said it was. But think of being able to say to the world “We are saving our kisses for when we are married.” Think of being able to stand up on your wedding day, and declare to everyone “I have honored this person that I am now committing the rest of my life to by keeping my first kiss for him/her to share on this our wedding day.” Think of how the words “You may now kiss the bride” will hold a brand new meaning for you.

Just think.

Do the Right thing - Come what may."

(screenshots from the movie Come What May by Advent Film Group)

Last Friday, that dream came true.

The view from the balcony...

Choose your partner...

Chatting...

The Hannah Picture...yes, we are all named Hannah!...

A Hannah Hug...and sidekick...

Me and My "Adopted" brother, Caleb...

Hugging my Michaela...

Thank you Brandon P. and Hannah L. for letting me borrow your beautiful photos!