Hannah's Heartstrings

We all know that change is a good thing most of the time. We can't progress in life without changing, and we all make choices whether to change for the better or worse.

But what do you do when changing brings on unexpected dynamics in friend and family relationships?

Sometimes we change, and it's the best thing we could have ever done for ourselves, and when we've finally reached the place we've been working so hard to get, we stop and realize we are alone. We look around and see that during our journey, no one followed us. Instead they are miles behind, possibly across an ever widening chasm, and they have no intention of trying to cross it.

Maybe they are happy where they are, and that's great for them. But that doesn't change the fact that suddenly, they don't understand you. They don't get why you had to follow the path you did. Maybe they even feel a little betrayed because you took off in a different direction than they did. All you know is that suddenly, the people you thought were the kind to stick beside you through thick or thin are standing there looking at you with confused eyes and asking why on earth you are where you are.

It is a sad day when you realize you no longer "fit in" with people you loved so dearly. You are no longer part of "the group", no matter how much you've tried to mend hurt feelings and bridge that gap.

You're an outsider.  They have inside jokes that you don't get. You are no longer the person they make time to visit with. Forget being invited to their weddings and birthday parties, or being sought out for lunch some afternoon. They have other people.

So what now? How do you move on? How you do get over being an outcast or even just a lukewarm acquaintance amongst people you were once as close to as brothers and sisters?

Frankly, I'm not sure you do.

I can't say that I have. Every other day it feels like it hits me from a different angle. Despite being the happiest I have ever been in my life, I constantly feel a guilty reminder that I wasn't always this person. I didn't always prioritize my life this way, and now that I do, I pay the price in losing relationships I thought would last a lifetime.

Perhaps I forgot to tell them I was changing. Maybe it was because I didn't even realize it was happening until it already had. But it did happen, and sometimes, it is a very lonely place to be.

The only thing I can do is, moment by moment, lift up my head and look forward. I have new people,  ones that put effort and love into our relationships. I have people that get me and understand where I am now.

No longer can I mourn the loss of depth in the friends who are now barely more than an acquaintance. While there will always be a corner of my heart devoted to the memories of the times we shared together, looking back constantly at something I can no longer be a part of is exhausting. I am tried of being the little girl on the playground, wistfully looking at the group that won't let me play with them.

Life is too short and my days are too precious to waste carrying any guilt over my past or the decisions that got me here. And the people that now value me as a consistent part of their life are too important to waste time chasing down people who have no time for me.

Sometimes you have to let people go. Always love them, but letting them go may just be the most peaceful thing you do in your life.

Focus on the positive and always keep moving forward.

In the past months, the internet has been extraordinarily filled with news about the infamous Josh Duggar, as well as others who have taken inappropriate sexual liberties whilst preaching christian values. Alongside all the chatter, the shock, and the judgment of these people, I have seen an uptick in articles, blog posts, and Facebook conversations, discussing how these great men could have possibly fallen. A lot of them stick to the fact that we all have the propensity to sin, and noted that things like this should be warnings to us all. But sadly, this was not all that people had to say.

With the exposure of people like Josh Duggar, Doug Phillips, and Bill Gothard, came a wave of hurt and bitter young people, blasting the world of homeschooling and teachings of purity, modesty, and other values conservative Christians have held dear for ages.

Oh this is nothing new. There's always someone eager to put down the things they have been raised in. There are whole blogs devoted to exposing the hurt that homeschooling has caused, "freeing" young women from the chains of modesty, or providing a place for the bitter souls of rebels to commiserate.

But the words that I saw coming from these people gave me great cause for concern. Suddenly, Josh's upbringing was the reason he molested his sisters and cheated on his wife. Teachings of sexual purity,  chaperoned dates, and not being allowed to kiss his wife till their wedding was the reason he went looking for love in all the wrong places.

People were quick to point at these stories of men's sinful choices and use them to validate their own hurt and bitterness against the world they came from.

"That's why I'm not homeschooling my kids!"
"That's why the purity movement and all teachings of sexual purity are evil!"
"That's why I don't teach my girls modesty!" 
"That's why I don't go to church anymore!"

Basically, the sins of the few condemn the beliefs of the many. Basically, if someone falls off the bandwagon, the entire system is corrupt.

I shake my head in wonder at this concept, and the one ringing thought in mind and heart continues to be, "You're missing the point!"

Homeschooling isn't the problem.
Modesty isn't the problem.
Purity isn't the problem.
Having lots of kids isn't the problem.
The Bible isn't the problem.

These and many other things that often take the blame for the wrong doings of the few are not the problem. They are still the good things they always were, regardless of who uses them wrongly.

The problem is simply that sometimes, even good people make bad choices.

We have all been given a free will and sometimes, we abuse it. Thank God we are saved by grace, and all our sin has been washed away. But that does not excuse us from the truth that we can, and do sometimes, make the wrong decision, and sometimes, our decisions hurt other people.

We need to stop blaming the good, positive things and instead look at the root cause.

If I said that a certain person was a drug addict because they grew up in a public school, would I be even close to correct? Of course not. I would be grasping at straws, looking for something to blame for that person's addiction, other than his or her own personal bad choices.

So why are these situations any different?

Josh Duggar didn't cheat on his wife because he was taught a standard of sexual purity and homeschooled. He cheated on his wife because he let his sinful nature take hold of his life, and ultimately made one of the worse decisions a man can ever make.

Regardless of how we are brought up, we still have to make choices in life. Our parents can instill in us all the good in the world, but that doesn't change the fact that once we reach adulthood, we stand at a fork in the road, and have to make a personal decision as to which way we will follow. It is our responsibility. Our parents have done their job, as best as they know how. Now it is up to us.

Ultimately, we must remember that no belief system is perfect, and no teaching is without its flaws. We must take what we have learned, chew up the meat and spit out the bones, and decide what to apply in our own lives. We cannot blame a belief, a teaching, a group, or a method as a whole when we apply something wrongly and use it as an excuse to bad choices instead of a tool for good.

Instead of pointing fingers and trying to use another person's failings to validate our own personal hurt and bitterness, let us take these stories and learn from them. Let us strive to find the happy medium and take heed to examine our own hearts and motives. Let us pray for the strength and courage to make the right decision. Let us daily work to put away our bitterness, and never let it distract us from good things.

We are better than this.

Our Parents Suffered Too: Thoughts on Modesty, Purity, and the Culture That Shaped Us

Please tell me it isn't so!
What do I do with this? Where do I go?
This new information that rocks my world
Begins by begging that grace be unfurled.
No! I scream. This is much too wrong!
This sin has gone on far too long.
My flesh wants justice. I want revenge;
I am not your family! I am not your friend!
You demand acceptance in the wake of this deed,
Yet to wise words of counsel you never will heed.
How can you expect me to be okay with this now?
This sin...this wrong...how? Tell me how!

I would say it was quiet, but it was not so,
The way grace pressured my heart in the things that I know.
Grace hurts because grace makes me be calm.
Its a stabbing knife and a healing balm.
Grace tells me I'm ok, even though this is not.
I'll move on and keep going with all that I've got.
My stand is not changed by the bad choices of others,
And I can still show grace to my sisters and brothers.
It doesn't mean I approve, or accept, or ignore;
It just means I remember the sin Christ died for.

So acknowledge your mistake and do what's right.
Come out of the darkness and into the light!
With love, grace, and a crying heart, I reprove;
Take a stand, right the wrong, walk a new path, and choose!

During my teenage years, I used to sit around and wonder what God wanted me to do. I would pray fiercely for Him to reveal His will to me and to tell me what to do. There were many times when I became so confused by what was happening in my life, especially at times when I was sure something was God's will, only to watch it vanish before my eyes. But I kept hoping that someday I would figure it out. I just had to be patient. After all, God had a plan for my life, right?

I believe it was March of 2011 when I began communicating with a young man I had met through an online ministry I had begun the fall prior. He was smart, energetic and a very interesting person. He clearly had a good heart and a love for the Lord, from what I could see via the internet, and we agreed  we should meet in person. We planned to meet at the Great Lakes Bible Conference in Wilmot, Ohio, where I had been invited by some new friends in the ministry.

Prior to this, I truly believed that I had actually heard God speak to me and tell me that I was going to marry this man. I believed I had literally heard His voice. I went to that conference believing I was about to meet my future husband. Well, I did, but it was not the one I was expecting.

The young man I had gone to meet was indeed very nice, but wrong for me in many ways, and I could see it almost as soon as we met. I can't really explain why, but I suddenly felt very uncomfortable at the thought of ever being with him. I kept trying to make it work, because I believed it was what God wanted. But no matter how much I tried, it was failing piece by piece.

I had gone there to meet a man who believed he'd come to claim his bride, and in, out of nowhere it seemed, walked my knight in shining armor.

Kyle was totally unexpected to me that weekend. I only barely knew who he was aside from the fact that he looked the spitting image of his brother Curt whom I'd met a few weekends before. The whole time I was trying to make things work with the other guy, I was hearing Kyle's praises sung and seeing his quiet, gentle eyes observing me.

I was terribly confused. What on earth was happening? What about the words God had spoken to my heart? Did that mean nothing? What was God doing?

It was about a week after that crazy weekend that I heard a messaged preached by Kyle's dad that forever changed my life. My family visited their church and Pastor Ted's message became the most influential one of my life.

He spoke clearly and succinctly of how God works in our lives today, and it was unlike anything I had ever heard. He shared how we as the Body of Christ are not be waiting for signs and voices from God to determine what we are supposed to do. We are to use "sanctified common sense", as one wise preacher once said, and he used the Apostle Paul as an example. There were many times in Paul's life where he used his own good judgment and wisdom from the Lord to make a decision. For example, in 2 Corinthians 2:1, Paul "determined with himself" that he should not come unto them. He didn't say "Lord willing." He used wisdom and common sense to determine that it was not a good time to do so. He also used the example in 1 Corinthians 16:5, where the Lord opens a door to Paul, and yet Paul chooses not to go through it (which kinda flies in the face of most Christian thinking).

In rightly dividing the Word, we recognize that in time past, God did indeed move His people where He wanted them to go. The people were under the law, and the law was an "if=then" system...if you do good, then I will bless you.
BUT NOW, something has changed, and as we also recognize that Paul is the apostle to the gentiles and the Body of Christ today, we realize that God has changed the way He deals with those He loves. We are under grace and grace says, "Here is the blessing, now go serve me because you love me. Do what you know is right."

The biggest problem with asking God to reveal His will in our personal lives is that He already has in His Word! We never have to look at our lives and wonder what God is doing, or trying to tell us, because He wrote a book telling us everything we need to know! We never have to wait for His voice, or look for His personal leading in our lives. He has given us all the tools we need. He gives us the wisdom to make good choices, and strengthens our hearts to be able to do the right things. Instead of making some leap of logic in trying to explain what God was doing in my life, I was able to find peace in knowing that He had strengthened my heart and given me the wisdom I needed to make the right choice.

Does this make me deist? Do I believe that my Creator does not in any way intervene in the lives of His creations? No. I do believe that He works in our hearts and minds through His word, and that we can enjoy a very personal, joyous relationship with Him. But I also believe in free will.

I believe that He steps back and lets us make those choices. I believe that the bad things that happen to us are just a result of life here on earth, and are not God trying to get our attention or teach us something. I believe that anything He wants to tell us about our lives here has been spelled out in His Word, and we need never sit in confusion about "what he's trying to tell us."

And it is in understanding this that I have true peace and joy in my life, and was able to evaluate the choices in front of me, and choose wisely the man I would spend the rest of my life with.

Before we get too far and to avoid any misunderstandings, let me preface this by saying one thing: I am, in no way, stating that any way of going about relationships is wrong. I’m not here to rant about how conservatism “ruined my life”, or how I was “saved” from the liberal dating scene (neither of which is true). I’m not here to point fingers. I’m not even here to give you a brand new formula, or Ten Best Tips of How To Get Married. I’m only here to offer a perspective.

This perspective is mine, and may be something you’ve heard or thought or discussed already. You don’t have to agree. You don’t have disagree. I’m not bashing. I’m just talking.

So, now that we’ve got that taken care of.


History. I grew up conservative. I still am very conservative in many ways. Saying that I am liberal just wouldn’t seem to cut it, although I know some would label me as heading in that direction. When I was 13, my mom impressed upon me the idea of saving my first kiss for my wedding day. I liked the idea and decided to strive for that. None of the boys I knew ever tried to kiss me anyways, so things were cool. That’s more or less where my thinking about courtship, dating and marriage all started. From there it was slowly built as I read articles and stories, talked with people, and tried to find my place in a circle of home school graduates.


My parents never really gave us a set of rules or regulations. They never said “dating is bad and courtship/betrothal is the only way to go”. We talked about the differences and they encouraged us to do something different than the average American recipe for relationships. They encouraged us to not just date around for the fun of it, to refrain from flirting with members of the opposite sex, and to find someone to be committed to when the time was right.


There were times when friendships got out of hand and boundaries had to be set up. Ages 17 to 21 were some of the toughest, most aggravating years of my life, and I would never wish to go back to them. But looking back, I am glad I had the boundaries that I did and that my parents provided the guidance that they did.


By the time I reached 21, I had pretty much formulated in my head how my perfect courtship would go. Boy meets girl, preferably at church or home school convention. Boy and girl communicate through some public venue as friends. Boy talks to girl’s dad. Girl’s dad permits courtship. Boy and girl court for a few months, always chaperoned, not likely even holding hands, never alone, etc. Boy and girl get engaged and marry within a year. And they live happily ever after. Perfect, right?


Well, yes. And no.


A few guys came and went. Nothing was ever right. And then I met Kyle. In years before, if you had asked me if there was such a thing as love at first sight, I would have scoffed and told you it didn’t exist. I stand corrected.


Just a couple months after meeting, Kyle invited me to go to the Marine Corps Birthday Ball with him. My thought process went something like this: “Wow. That would be amazing. Man I would love to go with him. But who am I kidding? We’re not even in a relationship, and I don’t even know if he’s that interested in me. And not to mention, my dad would *never* let me go.”


My dad let me go. Encouraged me to go!


So in November, with my brother Charlie as my traveling buddy, financial support and intended chaperone, I flew down to North Carolina for an 8 day trip. And thus began my unconventional, non-conservatively conservative, sort of dating, sort of courting, sort of something way different, little bit of everything relationship with Kyle.


Nothing was as I had planned. Meeting Kyle and getting to know him, even more so falling in love with him, threw me for a complete loop. I never expected him. How could anyone ever expect someone like that? My relationship with him was completely different than anything I had ever imagined. I could have read a million books on courtship and dating, and hear a million more success stories, and none of it could have ever prepared me for REALITY.


We did things right and wrong to both sides of the spectrum. The hard core courtship/betrothal group would be shocked to hear how we left our chaperone and went off for walks by ourselves to discuss *us*. The liberal all-American dating group WAS shocked to hear we haven’t kissed yet. To be honest, even our families were shocked at some of the courses we chose! Both sides of the argument look at us with puzzled faces. Neither side can label us because we don’t fit into a label. I say “we’re dating” to some people and “we’re courting” to other just based on who I am talking to. Yes, I call him my boyfriend, but that too depends on who I’m talking to.


No one really understands. Not that I expect anyone to. Any way you label us is probably close, but still so far off the truth.


The thing is, we don’t need a label. We don’t need the pressure of a label.


We’re honestly doing just fine. We call it how we see it. We roll with the punches. We take things as they come. We don’t have a list of perfectly planned out rules, or a step-by-step guidelines as to how everything takes place. And we aren’t just in this for the fun of it or for the temporal pleasure of attraction.


Sometimes we don’t know what we’re doing, but its okay, because we’re figuring it out, one little step at a time. We’re growing together as friends and lovers.


Most importantly, what we are doing works for us.


If we could all just take about three steps backwards, and remove ourselves from the Courtship vs. Dating battle, we might see that there are more than two sides to the story. If couples would just do what works for them together, with the wisdom God gave them and for the glory of God alone, apart from any labels and outside any boxes, I think there’d be a lot more peace amongst the Body of Christ.

Of course, my phrase of “just doing what works for you”, I’m sure, can and will be taken the wrong way. In no way am I implying the condoning of premarital sexual relations just because “it works for you”. No way. Anyone that knows me, really knows me, will know how highly I value the fidelity of sex within marriage and within marriage alone, waiting for marriage to share that communion with each other and God, and the beauty of a husband and wife committed and faithful to each other.


My argument is for getting up to that point.


I am also not trying to imply that super conservative parents are “doing it wrong”, and need to give their kids some freedom. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you need to just turn your daughter loose at eighteen and say “Come what may.” On the contrary. We need good counsel. Freedom and trust is gained with age and every person is different.


I am merely trying to say that you need to take each situation as it comes and only ask “Is this right? Is this pure?” based on God’s Word, flee immorality and self-righteousness, and not strive to conform to a man-made set of rules or labels that declare one process “more holy” or “more Godly” than another.


Seriously, does it really matter what you call it? On your fiftieth wedding anniversary, is anyone going to remember, or really care, what you called your before-marriage-period?


There are a lot better things we would be worrying about. Instead of strapping ourselves to labels that are pulling us down, why aren’t we being a light to the world around us? Why aren’t we teaching kids about keeping their bodies special and pure and saving sex for marriage instead of defining our own self-righteous labels and boxes?

There’s a deeper meaning here than just a name for a relationship. We are slowing down the message.

Maybe its time we get out of the way.

The choices you’ve made have brought you here
The consequence fills your heart with fear
You searched for love in all the wrong places
Instead you found hurt wearing all love’s faces
You’re left with a flower, bruised but still living
You cry when you think of the life that you’re giving

So much is lost, but something is found
A decision waits in your hands right now
So much is at stake; will you stand or run?
Do you have what it takes to finish what you’ve begun?
More will be lost in saving your pride
I know you are scared, but don’t run and hide

There’s still time to fix this; you’re not at the end
You don’t have to take the first choice the world sends
Come what may, you have the chance to do what’s right
You have the chance to save one innocent life
The hardest thing you may ever do, this one thing you can give
No matter what you’ve done in life, please let your baby live

by Hannah McMichael