Hannah's Heartstrings

Foolish heart, where have you gone?
Why have you been running so long?
Wisdom told you not to go
Instead you chose
To follow false and silent whispers.
Foolish heart, now you pay the price
One that was loved, now one that is despised
Now you learn
Now you turn and lift your teary eyes to look for love.

And now the question burning lingers
As salty drops run through my fingers
Am I worthy? Is there still a chance?
Might I be taught one brand new dance?
This is where it matters, this is where it starts
The pathway to a beautiful heart.
To see past the guilt of my tear-stained soul
To have what was broken be made new and whole.
I wait breathlessly and watch at my door
For something so long I’ve been waiting for.
I question my worth, I question myself
It’s all led to nothing---am I worth nothing else?
I step back in shyness. What can I do?
What I want most in life may never come true.

My foolish heart is content, although it has strayed
This isn’t impatience. Its just being afraid.

Lord in Heaven, help me be deserving.
Restore my heart’s beauty and make me worthy of what I desire.

By Hannah McMichael
June 17, 2011

So many voices
So many demands
How do I feel? And what do I think?
Faces pressing in around me
Waiting for my next move
“What next? What now?
Make your decision fast, girl.”
I strive to hold a standard
Amidst voices demanding my reasons
Trying to get me to doubt
Trying to make me question what I know is right.
I cannot please everyone,
Hard as I try.
There are limits to what I can say
And the things I can do.
Without them, I would fall apart.
They want me to lead
They want me to follow
And decide how I feel all at once.
I am not Superman
You cannot expect so much of me
Because you will be disappointed.
I am human
I am fallible.
That is why I depend on God.
I cannot make life-changing decisions at the drop of a hat
And even leaders cry.

So many voices seek
To challenge me
To make my convictions seem wrong
Because they hold ones different.
They believe I don’t respect them
But what they do not see
If that I must respect myself
Before I can respect anyone else.
How can I respect anyone,
How can I value, love and care for anyone
If I disregard everything I believe in?
As the poet said,
“I could not love thee, dear, so much,
Loved not I honor more.”

Within the raging winds that blow,
In the middle of the storm that
Wishes to knock me down,
Through the false judgments, misconceptions,
I plant my feet
I choose to stay strong
I will lead while I am needed
I will follow no matter the consequences.

Whether or not my convictions make sense
To the voices trying to derail me,
This is who I am
This is my heart
This is my soul
This is my life
Love me or leave,
But do not try to change me.

~Hannah McMichael
June 4, 2011

(So…as my last post was a ranting, raving bit of words that were probably too harsh, I shall go back to being sweet and flowery here…)

What a month! God is so infinitely good.

I have just two of the most glorious weekends of my life.

May 13-15 held the first ever GenerationNEXT Retreat, here in Pennsylvania, and despite my worries and rattling nerves, it was smashing success. I wrote about it before, so I won’t get all mushy over it again now. :P I’m just still tickled pink that it all worked out as good as it did. Nearly enough to keep my hyped up for a long time!

I didn’t even bother unpacking everything from the Retreat, because two weeks later, I got to go the Ohio Grace Ministries Great Lakes Bible Conference in Wilmot Ohio! I got to listen to some wonderful speakers, meet amazing new people, build friendships, even to play Ninja and dance! :D I filled a dozen or more pages in my book with notes from the sessions, and each time wished I could write faster because I missed so many things. I was even in tears at one point over the pure awesomeness of our God, and how He laid little mysteries in the Bible that prove His infinity. The energy in the room was overpowering. The messages were incredible. I left so filled up and encouraged and strengthened; honestly, how anyone could have not felt the power and uplifting encouragement at that meeting is beyond me. I feel sorry for anyone who can go to something like that and not be affected by it in the most glorious way.

One of the coolest things was that many of the people at the conference were aware of GenerationNEXT, and they even invited me to stand up and speak about it! I was shaking like a leaf and I don’t know how I managed to get through it, but it was really great and I was so encouraged to see how supportive everyone was of our ministry! Next time, though, I need to be standing in FRONT of the podium…I could barely see over it (no short jokes).

The next few months hold even more adventure, and I absolutely can’t wait. God is so wonderful. He is my all in all. He continues to test my heart, I’m sure to keep my humble, and every time brings me some new bit of wisdom borne out of my heartache and trials to add to my belt. I know I’m not done learning. I doubt I ever will be. The lessons don’t get easier, though I wish they did. But the hurt seems to sting for less time and the peace comes quicker.
Often times, I feel like Catherine Marshall, who, after years of battling illness, declared to God that if He wanted, she would be content being an invalid for the rest of her life because she knew He had a purpose for it. Catherine Marshall is one of my biggest heroes, so I think of that story a lot. It encourages me to remember that, although I can’t see it, there’s a big purpose for the things I go through. And maybe the purpose isn’t for me, but for someone else. So I am content. I can bloom where I’m planted and wait.
“The most difficult thing—but an essential one—is to love life, to love it even while one suffers, because life is all. Life is God and to love life means to love God.” –Leo Tolstoy

Why are the simplest things so difficult?

When will men and women take their places? Men need to stand up and be the wild warriors God made then to be. Women need to step back and let their men be men, and be happy riding shotgun in the adventure instead of driving.

I see so many men held handicapped by their wives and mothers. It is actually quite sickening and disheartening. A friend of mine always stated in despair, “There are no good men! Where are the strong Christian leaders?” I always disagreed with that statement, saying that they were out there somewhere. But seeing what I see makes me wonder. Where are they?

Actually, I know where they are. They are in every man I see. Young and old, they are all there. Deep in their hearts, they are strong leaders and wild warriors. They long to fight the battles, live the adventures and rescue the beauties. The problem is…they have wives and mothers.

So, simply put: Wife, follow your husband and let him be the wild one he longs to be. Mother, quit hanging onto and pushing your son around, and let him grow up and be a man!

You have no right to be frustrated with your men because they will not lead or choose for themselves, because you are holding them back. Bite your tongue. Bite it till it falls off if you have to. Only when you, wife and mother, learn to shut up and be content with being a woman will your husband and your son stand up and be the Men they were meant to be.

“There is a strength in you…I see it.” (William Wallace to Robert Bruce in Braveheart)

Am I frustrated? Yes, I am. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but every once in a while, someone has to quit dodging the truth and say what needs to be said. And maybe I should have said it a long time ago, but often I don’t see a way to write things till it hits really close to home. Or in this case, hits home enough to sucker punch me right in the heart.

I am not perfect. I’ll be the first to tell you that. Some people may say I sound like a total hypocrite talking about the place of women and men, when here I’m running a ministry. Yeah, I’m being a leader. Well, you can think what you want. I will make no lame excuses about doing God’s work or whatever. I did what I saw needed to be done. I do not like leading. But sometimes I have to, because no one else will.

On another note (yes, I’m still venting), what about love and respect? The book “For Young Women Only” by Lisa Rice and Shaunti Feldhaun states that the majority of men would rather be respected than loved, and women would rather be loved than respected. Well, over the past year, I’ve learned what its like to be loved and NOT respected, and I can tell you this…I would rather be respected. It goes hand in hand, really. Respecting me proves that you love me, because you cannot truly love me without respecting me.

You can put on whatever show you want, you can say tons about loving me…but if you cannot respect the simplest things I ask, then you might as well cut out my heart, throw it in the dirt and step on it.

Its not that hard. I really don’t make things that difficult! And if for some reason you are unsure about how I feel about something, ASK ME in a way that you know is right! Instead of guessing, ask! And don’t do it if you think it might not be right. Nothing is so important that you have to step all over me in order to accomplish it.
I understand if you don’t agree. I don’t expect people to agree with me. Its wonderful when they do, but I can’t make anyone agree with me. But worse than not agreeing with me is saying that they do when they really don’t.

Why??! Why do people continue to schmooze along, just mamby-pamby agreeing with everything I say just to get on my good side? I’d respect people more if they stood up for themselves and were strong in their own convictions instead of always trying to weasel around mine.

Truth has no agenda.

I am not a hateful person. It takes a lot for me to really despise a person. My love for people is deep and forgiving, and I’ll be the first person to hand out second chances…and third chances. My good opinion once given is not easily taken away, but as Mr. Darcy says, “My good opinion once lost is lost forever.” Prove you are worthy of a second chance, and I will give it. But if you cannot stand strong and respect me, and if you cannot deeply and honestly agree, then don’t go hurting me again.

I am not saying that I will not be friends with people that disagree with me. Oh, gosh, no…several of my very best friends hold views quite different from me. But the thing is that they aren’t afraid to say it. My friend Marcos and I have a running joke that we disagree on everything but Calvinism! I’m not afraid to disagree with people. Such is life…we are all individuals, and that’s how God created us. But I cannot bear it when a person makes themselves out to be something they are not just to get on my good side.

Life holds so much good. God has given a world so infinitely beautiful. Wouldn’t it be a shame to waste it?

I am built up and torn down
I smile and cry, say yes and no
Uncertain rules stem from an uncertain heart
My core wishes and values seek to
translate each move, each word
Is this right? Is this wrong?

I reach forward
I pull back
Like touching something far too hot
I’ve been burned before
Yet still I play with fire

So much won and
So much lost
Is this how you want it to be, Lord?
Forever my hopes to be built only to have them dashed?
If this is what you want,
then I will follow.

My heart breaks as I watch
another dear heart aching.
What could I have done differently?
What shouldn’t I have said?
Where did I go wrong?

Just when I think I am doing everything right
I trip and stumble
I fall flat on my face
Bruised and broken,
I struggle to stand
Knowing that in my fall, I’ve taken someone with me.

What now?
I cannot run.
I can barely stand.
My wishes, hopes, dreams have become a blur
God, this beauty feels like chaos.

The plan hides, the map has been mislaid
We don’t know what we are doing, so we run in head long,
Bumping into walls with our eyes shut.

And yet...
Within the smoky chaos, clarity forms.
Reasons for hurting show
You tell me, Lord, how the things I see as bad
point toward the things I did not know were good.

This is not goodbye.
This is not never.
But this is…not now.

There is no rush.
Let time build and grow.
If this is God’s plan, then time will only strengthen and make more beautiful.
Smile.
Press on.
For there is always
Hope.