Hannah's Heartstrings

I wrote this piece back in May, but never posted it. It never seemed quite complete, so I just hung onto it, letting it mellow in my mind until the right time…

She’s one of those difficult people. You know what I’m talking about. The kind that just seems to have it out for you for no good reason.  I can’t seem to make her happy. I end up just staying out of her way. I tell myself I’m not there to please her, and it really doesn’t matter. Let it slide, don’t fret about it. But…it bugs me. What is it about me? Is it even me? What is her problem? I want to be mad at her.

Love her like Jesus…

He tells me something hard. Something deep. How do I react? I pause before responding. I let it sink in and process the weight of what he’s saying. I can tell he’s holding his breath, waiting for me to say something. What’s he waiting for? Is he expecting anger? Resentment? Judgment? I let the seconds drag and think. This is big, and how I respond is crucial. I may not understand. But there is a balance in my hands. I have the ability to crush or uplift with one sentence.

Love him like Jesus…

She keeps pushing me away. Once a best friend, now less than a stranger. She won’t let me fix it. The more I try to reach out, the more she turns away. It hurts. I offended her, I know. I chose a path she couldn’t follow. I made choices in my life she couldn’t agree with. I chose a side she was against. And now I pay for it. I am given the silent treatment. When words are spoken, its as if years of friendship and sisterhood never existed. What can I do?

Love her like Jesus…

“You don’t need the answers
To all of Life’s questions,
Just know that He loves them
And stay by their side…
Love them like Jesus…”

(Casting Crowns, “Love Her Like Jesus”)

I’ve learned more since then. I’ve learned many more lessons about applying grace to the people in my life. Whether its choosing to not lash out at a sibling, or going through a painfully deep conversation with my boyfriend, or even just suppressing the desire to strangle that insanely difficult customer in the store I work at. It all centers around one thing. Grace.

We choose our reactions. We often say things like “He made me so mad!” and use that to justify our anger. But what might happen if we chose to react in a different way? Yes, we get angry, hurt, disappointed. We want to put up a fight and win it. Getting all fired up is easy. I know. Its easy to just boil over and lash out irrationally to whomever is causing the problem at the moment. Sometimes a little anger, better yet a little passion, is just, because in the right situation, it causes the other party to realize that you are serious and they need to pay attention. But in general, there’s a better reaction.

Just recently, I started really noticing how many instances I have on a daily basis to show grace to the people around me. It has amazed me. I can show grace to my siblings when they are being downright annoying. To the people that come into my workplace that try to give me a runaround about the job I’ve been trained to do. To the person that is in my life whether I like it or not. To basically any person that irritates me or that I, in any wise, just wish would disappear.

Kyle and I talk about this extensively. Mostly concerning each other. We watch other couples around us, particularly ones that are constantly in some sort of argument over one thing or another. In an odd way, it helps us to see examples like that, because it helps us to remember that, without showing each other grace and dealing with each other in grace, we would be in exactly the same position. I don’t see how any relationship can be entirely fulfilling if all that happens is arguing, bickering, nagging each other and putting each other down.

The other part of that conversation is the pure fact that we are human. We are going to let each other down, get irritated, have bad days, get sick and tired, and really just not feel like being graceful. We are not perfect, nor should we expect each other to be. We aren’t always going to remember to take a deep breath and think about our words and reactions. We are human and we are going to mess up. But its how we deal with it that makes the difference. Are we going to let it fester and grow? Are we going to hold it against each other for the rest of our lives? Are we going to lash out and make it worse?

I will not always understand the motive or reasoning behind a person’s actions or words. I won’t always understand why someone chooses to behave in a certain way. I don’t always know what’s going on behind the scenes. I can’t control what other people do. All I can control is me. My actions and reactions. All I can understand is how I choose to behave and how I choose to treat that other person. I can make it worse. Or I can make it better. I can take a terrible situation and put a smile on that person’s face just by listening, loving, giving a hug and choosing to forgive. God has shown me more love and grace than I ever deserve. What else can I do except strive to show just a fraction of that love and grace to the people around me?

Like I said in the short piece I wrote in May; I hold a balance in my hands. With one word, I can uplift or tear down. What am I going to choose?

A few months ago, I tried to write a post about Kyle’s deployment and homecoming. I’ve never had trouble expressing myself through words before, but for some reason I simply could not find the ones I wanted to describe what it was like to have my man risking his life on the other side of the world, and then to have him return safe and sound. Some may be able to describe it. But for me there are no words that fully show what it is like to go even seven months without the one you love…to have that heart pounding rush every time you hear something on the news about a firefight in Afghanistan…the days that seem never to end…the phone calls that become so dear and never last long enough. And then there’s the beautiful aspect of homecoming. Homecoming. Its honestly one of the best things in the world. I simply can’t explain how good it felt to see him standing there and to be the girl that rushed up and hugged him.

I tried to write these things in a beautiful and elegant post. I’ve read plenty of them, and seen numerous homecoming slideshows and videos. But there just were no words. No really good ones anyways. I can say how amazing it was. How wonderful. How beautiful. I can say how hard, yet how good deployment was. How thankful I am. How much we grew from it. But nothing compares to actually living it. You have to live this stuff to fully understand it.

I learned quite a few things. I learned how to better apply grace in my life. Having the first seven months of our dating relationship be during deployment meant some readjusting to my thinking. I couldn’t be near him. I couldn’t call him or text him. I could email him, but sometimes it would take him a while to check it. We were able to video chat a couple times. But we weren’t able to spend good quality time together in person. There were a couple times we got to talk for hours either on the phone or computer. But we had to learn to make things interesting with what we had. We sent lists of questions back and forth to each other. We talked as often as we were able to. But I had to learn that this was a very different world, and would continue to be as long as Kyle was in the Marines.

That’s probably the biggest thing I’ve learned and something that I want to stress to other military girlfriends, especially girlfriends that are just getting into this. The military world is very different. You can’t treat it the same as the civilian world. You have to be more gracious, more understanding, more loving. Your guy goes through a lot. He lives with a target on his back, especially if he’s deployed, and if he’s not, he lives with the constant expectation that he could be. The last thing he needs is you whining at him because he hasn’t texted or called you today. He’s going to have training and field days and classes. He’s going to need his buddies more than he needs you. He’s going to fall asleep on the phone or else have a million other things on his mind. He’s going to need you to stand behind him and support him, to be there for him when he does need you, because he will. And when he does call you, or is in a position where you can contact him, he’s gonna need you to be excited to hear from him, to enjoy the sound of his voice and not complain because you haven’t heard from him in a while.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that you be some sort of measly mousy little woman that gets walked all over. He doesn’t need that either. He needs you to be strong. Stand up for what you believe in and make sure he knows that you are believing in him. Wait for him, and make sure he knows you are. Share with him your thoughts and burdens. Our guys are much more wise than we often give them credit for. Kyle was able to help me through some difficult heart things, even before we started our relationship. No one else has ever offered me advice and wisdom the way he has.

Simply put, lose the drama. Enrich your man’s life. Don’t make him dread calling you because all you do is whine and argue. If you are not enjoying being his girl, then something is wrong. Make him smile. Be the one he can’t wait to come home to. There is nothing wrong with consistently making someone else happy.
Applying grace in life is one of the hardest, most beautiful things ever. There have been a couple times where Kyle and I have gotten into a conversation where I could have easily escalated into irrational anger. I could have easily lashed out against him. I could have chosen to be hurt and disappointed. There were instances where Kyle could have chosen to be mad at me. But he didn’t. And I didn’t. And we both surprised each other. I made a point to not respond how he was expecting me to, but instead to deal gracefully and lovingly. And it made a world of difference. Instead of coming between us, the tough conversations brought us closer together.

I’ll never say I’m perfect or that I’ve got it all together and figured out. Its going to take me years to learn everything, and even then I doubt I will. But these are the things I’m learning now. I’m eternally grateful to the people around me that have helped me learn these things at such an early point in life. I feel like a lot of couples head into marriage with no idea where they are going and very little grasp on important issues. So it is very encouraging to me to see other young people heading into marriage with good heads on their shoulders, a right understanding of grace and love, and going about this whole journey much more prepared.
I don’t think I will truly be able to communicate all that I learned over the past year with Kyle. He has taught me so many things. I am so grateful for his patience with me, and so excited to continue this journey with him in married life. I can’t wait to see what the next year, and years, bring for us. What new things will we learn? What adventures will we have? There’s so much out there!