Hannah's Heartstrings

I recently shared an article I came across on Facebook. The writer jumped into the issue of modesty, and gave some interesting points. She built on the idea that it should not be the responsibility of a women to try to control a man's thoughts by dressing (or not dressing) a certain way, and in many ways I agree with that. We cannot seek to dress in such a way that will prevent a man from noticing and admiring the natural curves of our body, because its unrealistic. We can, however, strive to adorn ourselves in a way that lets our character and personality shine. There are parts of our body that should be honored by keeping them covered, but not because we are ashamed of them. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. That doesn't mean flaunt it if you've got it. But I think we have gotten so wrapped up in our ideas of what modest dress should be that we have forgotten to dress with class and dignity.

Its not our responsibility to keep men from lusting after us. We can't control it, not matter how conservatively we dress. However, we do have the opportunity to suggest through our dress what we do want people to think of us. Like it or not, we live in a world where we are judged and given labels based on what we wear. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked if I am or was Amish, just because I wear a lot of skirts and like my hair up in a bun.

Your clothing can say a lot about you. Therefore, your goal should not be trying to prevent people from thinking the wrong thing, but instead, focusing on encouraging them to think the right thing. Be comfortable, be yourself, let your God-given personality be defined, and let the Holy Spirit shine through you.


While thinking of all these thoughts on modesty, a friend sparked a conversation about how to teach our kids about sex when the time comes. I'll admit, its always a daunting thought to me. But it occurred to me...why should it be such a scary idea? Sex is beautiful and fun and why shouldn't I be excited to tell them about it? Sex is sacred and special, and something to be enjoyed to the fullest between a man and his wife. I hope and pray that we can give our kids a good enough example in life and communicate to them how wonderful these things are, so that when its their turn, they can face it with joy and with grateful hearts.

The kids of my generation and circles like to talk about how the purity movement damaged our thinking about sex. How most of us were so burdened by trying to keep ourselves physically and emotionally pure that, most of the time, we were simply plagued with the guilt of thinking we may have been impure by noticing someone of the opposite sex. And when we came to actually doing the deed, we were frightened. Really, sincerely frightened. Now, some will say that these were worst case scenarios, but I think there are a great number of us that experienced this to some degree.


We were extreme. We kissed dating goodbye and fell in love with courtship. We swung the pendulum so far in one direction that we forgot what the middle ground was like. So what is happening next? We swing it the opposite way. We hear the words---.modesty.purity.courtship.---even homeschool---and we run.

And then...we blame our parents.

They were controlling. They were possessive and crazy. They just wanted to shelter us and never let us out in the real world. They just feared the world and all in it, and wanted to keep us from it.

Those bad parents.

Seriously?

I have to say...we are messing this up even worse than it already is. Do we even realize what we are doing?

I realize that there are people who have taken the modesty/purity/homeschool culture way too far. And then you have the Doug Phillips and Bill Gothard scandals. I know many parents have cause irreversible damage and suffering in their children because of the standards and rules they enforced. They really did take it an unhealthy level. I'll never dispute that.

But I will point out one very important thing: they suffered too.

We have lost sight of what came before us and why we ended up where we did. We think its all about us. We were the ones jaded by legalism and tormented by the patriarchal system. But I'll say it again: our parents suffered too.

Most of our parents were not raised the way we were. Many of them were first generation Christians, first generation homeschoolers, first generation couples-that-actually-stayed-married, and so on. Most of them had no idea what they were doing. All they knew was that what they went through as kids/young adults didn't work and they wanted something different for their kids. So the pendulum got swung as far from what they knew as they could get, and the modesty/purity/homeschool culture was born.

They saw that traditional American dating-with-no-goal-of-marriage didn't work very well, and so Courtship was born (or should I say reborn?).

They saw that the public school system was full of crap (still is...), and so Homeschooling was born.

They saw that casual, premarital sex was causing damage, and so Purity was born (or should I say redifined?).

They knew the pain in their own hearts from the lives they had lived, and wanted to protect us from the same pain. They wanted to give us different opportunities and wanted to raise us as Biblically as they knew how.

They saw what didn't work, and went the opposite way. Hey...aren't we trying to do the same thing?

Let us not be so swift to judge the choices our parents made. Their choices were born out of their own pain, and so are our choices. We are making choices based on the same emotions that spurred our parents on, but this is where we have to be careful not to be so anxious to get away from what hurt us that we swing that pendulum so far the other direction and end up in the same hell hole our parents crawled out of.

Let's take what we now know, and turn it into something beautiful. Let's not just focus on "not doing what our parents did", but instead focus on why. We can do better than our parents, because they did better than theirs. And our kids will do better than us. But not if we are stuck in bitterness and self-pity. We had a rough past...ok, so let's get over it and move into the future. Modesty, purity, homeschooling, biblical manhood and womanhood, courtship-also-known-as-dating-with-a-purpose, saving sex for marriage...these are all still good things! Let's bring them out of their extremist past and give them freedom to work they way God intended!

We have a chance to find the happy medium. Let us not waste it nursing our wounds with our hatred of the culture that shaped us into the people we are today. We are who we are because of where we came from. We can't stay there, but we can take what we have learned and let the pendulum settle gracefully in the middle.

My friend Jason recently brought up a point on the subject of kissing (per my last blog post) that got me thinking. He stated that most people decide to save their first kiss for the wedding because of pride; more or less so they could stand up in front of everyone and proudly declare their waiting (i.e., self-righteousness). I had heard this opinion before, but this comment struck a chord, and I thought it deserved a little attention.

Is that why we are waiting? Pride?

I thought it was a conviction.

So if it is prideful to save your kisses, does that mean its an act of humility to just kiss whenever? And if this is true, what about other things? Doesn’t this idea assume that other things we choose to do (or not do) are acts of pride…that we do things just to be able to tell other people?

For instance, when someone is uncomfortable with dancing, we say they have a personal or family conviction. We don’t say they are prideful. When someone doesn’t like rock music, we say they have a conviction or personal preference. It doesn’t have anything to do with pride.

A decision to do or not do something, when made in the proper, God-glorifying mindset, is not automatically a self-righteous “Hey, look at me, I’m better than you” thing. If it were then wouldn’t this idea mean that practicing abstinence before marriage be prideful? After all, the purpose is to be able to say we are sexually pure before the wedding…right?

If being convicted, feeling deeply, about something meant that we were inflicted with pride, then we’d all be in big trouble. If it is pride to say we are different and separate from the world’s common idea of things, then half the things we say and do are wrong…including saying we are Christians. What is our real motive anyways?

This is actually a very good reminder for us. We need to be so careful that what we do is because of conviction, because we feel so deeply about something, and not for any other reason. If a choice to do or not do something hangs only on how it boosts our standing in a church or certain group of people, then yes, it’s pride. The majority of what we do (homeschool, ministry, courtship, purity, music choices, etc.) could most certainly be labeled as prideful if we do it only because the rest of the crowd does. But I honestly don’t think that the people who choose to homeschool, go into ministry, practice courtship, remain sexually pure, only listen to Christian music, or save their kisses for marriage are doing it because the crowd does. These are things that go against the crowd. They are not easy things to choose. In fact, it is a humbling thing to choose something the world sees as downright weird. That being said, we still need to watch ourselves, because often we spend so much time with our “in-group” of homeschooled/courting/Christians that we forget what its like out in the world where we are looked on as creatures from another planet. This is when, yes, we can get prideful.

I feel very deeply about certain things. Saving my kisses is one of them. I have at least a dozen very good reasons to wait to kiss till my wedding day, and if I’m not going to wait, then I’d better have a dozen reasons just as good, if not better. I want something different. I want something special. I want to show my world how it is possible to wait to kiss one man and one man only. If this is pride, then so be it. But I don’t think so.

Do the Right thing - Come what may."

(screenshots from the movie Come What May by Advent Film Group)

Once upon a time, there was a girl. This girl was a part of a generation unlike any ever seen before in history. She rose above the normal expectations of the world and chose to live life differently. Her parents protected her and gave her opportunities she never would have had otherwise. Though there were those that would stand in her way and try to discourage her, it was then that she learned perseverance…

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a friend that hurt her feelings and tried to make her feel inferior. She decided to hate this friend and did so successfully until she realized that her hatred didn’t change anything. It only made her bitter. Here, the girl learned her first lesson in forgiveness…

Once upon a time, there was a girl who wanted above all things to have a little sister. She prayed and dreamed for years. Finally, when she had nearly given up all hope, her mother gave birth to an adorable blue-eyed baby girl, and she saw that all the while that she’d been waiting, she’d been learning patience…

Once upon a time, there was a girl whose friend became her unspoken enemy. All too soon and with a heavy heart, the girl realized there was nothing she could do to reconcile the relationship. She mourned the loss, but in her disappointment, she learned the true meaning of loyalty…

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was faced life changing decisions. Two paths were before her. One led to her compromising her beliefs; the other led to her heart being broken and left alone. The choice was the most difficult she’d ever had to make. Yet even in the midst of her hurting, she knew what the right thing to do was. And it was in that decision that she found love in the grace of God and learned a lesson in determination…

Once upon a time, there was a girl who found herself surrounded by dozens of the dearest friends anyone could dream of. They loved her, encouraged her, danced with her, made her smile and laugh, talked with her and cried with her, inspired her and made her life more beautiful in every way imaginable. She felt so immensely blessed by God having allowed her to know them all and cherished every smile, every hug, every sparkling face and every little moment she had with them. With joy overflowing within her, she learned and strived to live the real meaning of friendship and love…

Once upon a time, there was a girl who learned to live, to love, to glorify God, to dream big and to be herself.
How do I know all this? I know because that girl was me.


Copyright 2010 Hannah McMichael