Hannah's Heartstrings

“My whole life, I’ve been preparing to be a good wife. I want a good husband. Do you know what it takes to make a good marriage?” (Rachel, Come What May)

In Christian circles, girls constantly talk about how hard it is to wait patiently for their Prince Charming to come. We talk about the struggles of maintaining emotional purity, of being content and all other such topics. This is good for us, and as hard as it sometimes is on our little hearts, as females, we enjoy talking about relationship related things with our fellow girlfriends. It’s how God made us.

But today, my words are for the guys.

We girls sometimes don’t realize how tough gentlemen have it. They have to wade through the sea of Christian girls, hoping to find one that meets their own criteria and isn’t an affected little goose. And to put it simply, guys don’t think about relationships in the same way that girls do. Oh, sure, they think about it. They just are not wired to think about romance 24/7 like girls are. That’s not a bad thing…it’s just how God made them!

With things being the way they are, guys need help sometimes when it comes to finding themselves a girl. I have three brothers…I know. There are some things that guys excel at when it comes to relationships (usually initiating them in the first place). And then there are some things that they just don’t think about. Again, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing! It’s how they are wired! But I think it would help if guys knew better what girls wanted and what was going on in their heads.

Therefore, I’ve compiled a little list of some things that I have learned (most recently, in fact) that guys should know when it comes to courting.
Please note this is all my opinion. I can’t speak for other girls. They may not see these things as important. But I wager there’s a fair amount of girls that do hold these things with high regard. And even if they aren’t crucial things, they will definitely score points.
So without further ado…

Hannah’s Tips for Guys

~Serve. Do for your girl even when you have no assurance that she is your girl.
~Talk. Ask. And Listen!
~Protect her heart. Say nothing and act in no way that would cause her to stumble.
~Until you are in a committed and official relationship, DO NOT monopolize her company or her conversation. She is not yet yours…don’t treat her as such.
~Learn to dance and watch at least one Austen film. It scores points big time. ;)
~Be real and honest. Don’t hold back your “long stories”, your past, your present or your future. Tell her where you’ve been in life and where you want to go. Don’t change you dreams to try to impress her, because if you are phony before marriage, that won’t change after the wedding.
~Respect her dad. Don’t try to get around him. He has raised her, cared for her and loved her since her first breath. You want to step in and take over his treasure. Give him the respect he deserves and in turn you will be respecting her.
~There is fine line you must tread by with caution in your pursuit of a young lady. Strive to win her, but do not demand that she be won. Actively and persistently pursue her, but do so patiently and be prepared to wait quietly for her.
~And again I will say, until she is officially yours, be careful how much of her company and conversation you occupy, for if you monopolize her, you are putting her in situations that may hurt her and make her uncomfortable by having to explain your over abundant presence to her friends and family. Be a friend but keep your distance.

"Fiat Justicia - Et Pereat Mundas.

Do the Right thing - Come what may."

(screenshots from the movie Come What May by Advent Film Group)

The canine breeding business is a trying one. Summer is one big marathon of feeding, cleaning, chasing, washing, feeding, cleaning…you get the idea. The puppies make up for it, though, by being irresistibly cute and making great photographic subjects. The people can be incredibly frustrating, especially the ones that want to scoff at the price (which is ridiculously low in this business), or get mad at me because I’ve already sold the only female born (as if I had any control over that!), or try to act like they know more than me about the breed or raising a pup (when even my unprofessional eyes can see that they are clueless). But as with everything, there’s a silver lining…the look on the kids’ faces when they see the pups, or the sound of the man’s voice who says he’s waited 20 years for his own dog makes it all worth it.

I could tell many stories of the people who’ve walked in and out of my life through the puppies. But there’s one couple in particular that will forever stand out in my heart.

They were the first to come see out litter of Beagle pups in mid-July, a friendly, middle-aged couple that I couldn’t help but like. I noticed several distinct things about them. They were extremely affectionate and attentive to the puppies, and appreciative of my time. They were intense, as if they enjoyed every single second of living. And they seemed so in touch with each other, so in love, almost like newlyweds, only on a level a hundred times deeper.

They intrigued me, and I sat contentedly with them as they admired the pups for nearly two hours. During that time, I came to learn their story.

Not even a year before, they had lost their home, almost all of their belongings and their two Beagles in a house fire that occurred when they were out of town. All they had left was a small trailer home, the Lab that was with them, the few pieces of furniture in the trailer and the clothes they were wearing.

During a later visit, when I watched the husband struggle to stand after kneeling to photograph the puppies, I learned that he had been in a car accident a few years before that had severed his leg at the knee. The doctors had been able to reconnect his leg, but it was obvious that there were certain things he could not do without pain.
They ended up choosing two pups, a male and female, and there were several times I could tell the wife was very close to tears.

As I was filling out their papers and explaining the details to them, the wife went to the car to get something. When she was out of earshot, the husband thanked me profusely and began to cry as he told me his wife had MS (multiple sclerosis). His eyes unashamedly filled with tears, and he said something I will never forget. “There are some things that money can’t buy.”
I couldn’t have been happier that not one, but two of my sweet pups were going to such precious people. But I was even happier that I had gotten a chance to know them.

Money can’t buy what I learned from them, their love for each other and for life. It can’t buy the joy and excitement on their faces as they came to pick up their puppies four weeks later. It can’t buy the sincerity and gratitude they showed me when the husband took my hand in both of his and said “You’re an angel”, and when the wife hugged me tightly.

They may not have had many earthly possessions, but that couple, more than anyone I’ve ever known…they had it all.

Divorce, death, cancer, broken relationships, disturbing events. I have grown up hearing about such things. My parents did not shelter us. They educated us at the right times when we needed to be rightfully educated. I was no stranger to the things that cause the world to be a sad, angry, confused place.

But I never thought they would ever come close to me.

It wasn’t so bad when my grandparents died. I was only 14, and although it hurt, it still was far from me.

I crept nearer to me when my aunt got divorced and slightly closer when the same aunt was diagnosed with cancer a few years later.

I didn’t realize how close it had gotten when I went through a couple friendships (potential romances) that ended with me losing friends, when an organization I thought was the most wonderful thing on earth turned sour, and when a childhood friend died in a car accident at the age of 18.

But the closest hits came when a very dear friend went through a terrible divorce only 6 months after her wedding which left her heartbroken and pregnant, and then when I learned of a friend who was engaged to marry a man 30 years her senior, of whom I have known to be a rather dishonorable man.

I don’t really know why those two particular things have hit me so hard. Perhaps it is akin to what General Jackson felt when, after hearing that a little girl whom he’d befriended died, wept bitterly, causing a nearby soldier to ask, “Why is he crying now? After so many battles and so many lives lost…he never cried then” and another to reply “I think he is crying for them now”.

I feel like I am being tested in my faith, or maybe prepared for something worse. Perhaps Satan is trying to derail me from the happiness surging through my heart and from the God-honoring venture I’ve been pouring myself into. I feel like I don’t know what to say or think, except that there is something mysterious going with me. Someone is playing chess with my heart.

It makes me want to just never move. Things are simpler that way. Things are easier if I never feel, never think, never sing, never love, never try. But that defeats the whole purpose of my being here. It goes against my grain. I can’t sit still.

You never realize how hot the fire is until you are standing right next to it. Yet that is when it all matters the most.

"Will you spend a lifetime running?
Cause you could spend a lifetime running...
Do you feel the fire when the flame gets hot?
Are you living every day like it's the last you've got?
Will you step aside when it all falls down
And watch it burn away?
Have a little faith when the walls cave in
Pray for strength to fly against the wind
Will you walk away when the fire gets hot
Or fight another day?"

-Addison Road

There’s a common thing that happens to girls in many conservative Christian circles. When they are young, they are taught that girls play with girls, and boys play with boys, and any interaction was merely in passing or in supervised group activities. As they grow older, the division between boys and girls grows, and before they are more than thirteen, they have been taught the proper modesty, attitude and position of a good Christian girl. By the time they are in their teens, they have become perfect models of conservativeness…dressing right, walking right, never making eye contact with boys, and knowing all the “right” things to say. As they head out the teen years, they become virtual politicians on the subject of singleness. They constantly preach amongst themselves the beauties of singleness, search for ways to be more content, and ultimately try to convince themselves that they don’t have any other desires outside of being a perfectly content Christian lady.

But then something happens. They hit twenty, and think “Ah, now I’m ready to get married.” A year goes by. “Okay, where’s my Prince Charming? I’ve been waiting.” Another year. “What? Aren’t there any guys out there looking for wives?” Another year…and another…and another. Soon the girl is nearing thirty, and several of her friends are married. But she has no prospects.
What happened?

Sure, this doesn’t happen all the time. There are many good conservative Christian girls that have gotten married at nineteen or twenty. But there is a large population of them not married and wondering why.

The timeline I just shared with you is the problem.

I’m not saying that teaching young girls modesty and femininity is a bad thing. Nor am I saying that keeping girls and boys separated during those tumultuous teen years is a bad thing. These things are good, in their place. But they can get out of hand. And they can lead to some very frustrated almost-thirty year olds.

I honestly think that the biggest problem here is this simple fact: we’ve forgotten how to smile.

Yeah. Just smile.

I remember a time when I was about nine years old, and the term “shamefacedness” hit our small circle of conservative homeschoolers like a hurricane. The idea was that young girls and ladies should be “shamefaced”, or direct their gaze to the ground, especially around guys. This was designed to keep a girl’s eyes from betraying even the slightest hint of “liking a boy” or “flirting”, but what it also did was take out any chance of just a friendly encounter. I honestly could never get used to the idea.

How many others, I wonder, were taught this idea of shamefacedness? To never make eye contact with a young man? Ever? Sure, this may work for children. But it does not work for mature adults who are ready to take the next step in life and find themselves a spouse.
I began a small, personal experiment in the summer of 2009. I had discovered a beautiful thing called dancing earlier that year, which God used to bring me out of my shyness shell, and make me be much more comfortable around men folk. But during my first dance, I only got asked twice by a guy for a dance, and only one actually singled me out. The next dance I went to I did something different. When a new dance was announced, I looked around the room and tried to meet the gaze of a guy, and then gave my sweetest, “best friend” smile. There was nothing seductive about it. I just wanted to see if a simple smile could make a guy ask me to dance. Guess what…I had a guy partner for almost every single dance. I was ecstatic. I had figured it out. And, oh, how simple it was! I was excited about this revelation, but quickly became careful of whom I shared it with, because I ended up on the wrong end of some gossip because a “friend” misunderstood my meaning of “making eye contact” for “looking romantically into a guy’s eyes”.

Yeah.

I tried it at another dance, and found the same thing. Some guys I even had the courage to go up to them and ask them if they had a partner. It worked. I ended up with a guy partner when a few of my other friends didn’t.

I came to this conclusion.

Guys are shy too. They’ve been taught that girls are sacred creatures and you don’t touch them, talk to them or look at them. Period. This is a whole new ballgame for them too. And they are the ones that have to do all the asking and initiating. Perfectly good, conservative Christian girls are intimidating.

Girls! They need help! If you want the guys to notice you and like you, then start with one simple thing: SMILE.

My friend Michaela and I were recently talking about, if you found yourself liking a guy and thinking he might like you, if it was alright to give him soft, subtle hints or not. My response to her question was, in most cases, no. I thought that a guy should pursue the girl he liked whether she seemed interested or not. But then I asked two of my brothers’ (ages 17 and 19) opinions on the matter, and got the shock of my life. They both said that they would like it if a girl gave hints! They said that they probably wouldn’t give the time of day to a girl that appeared to be standoffish or uninterested. A girl needs to be friendly and engaging, mostly, they said. I then asked my 19-year old brother what he would consider good, appropriate hints. He said he would see good hints as things like wanting to be around the guy, invitations to gatherings and places where they could visit, smiles, and being attentive.

It’s not “flirting” to be friendly. We’ve confused the two. Talking to a guy doesn’t mean you are going to marry him tomorrow. Being friends with a guy doesn’t mean you are suddenly less pure than you were the day before. By smiling, conversing and showing attention, you are showing a guy that you are open and that he is welcome. You are not compromising your integrity, your purity, or you dignity. You are just letting go of some of your pride.

Stephen Arterburn, in his book “Finding Mr. Right (and how to know when you have)”, even goes as far as saying “It’s okay to flirt!” Of course he does not mean the seductive, “advertising-what-ain’t-on-sale” kind of flirting. He goes on to list good and proper ways to “flirt”, including smiling, gesturing in conversation with your palms up, sitting with your knees together, standing with your weight on one leg so that one hip sits ever so slightly higher than the other, tilting your head when listening, and other such simple gestures that communicate openness and welcome.

Don’t be afraid of your smile. Don’t be afraid of your desires. Your dream is to be a wife and a mother, right? Well, there’s one important factor in that equation called a husband. And you know deep in your heart, that is your dream too, but in your quest for contented singleness, you’ve strove to kill that desire. You are female. God created you that way, and put those desires in your heart. He is the author of romance, the one that thought it up in the first place.

Read Song of Solomon. I’ll bet you did once, and slammed your Bible shut because it felt dirty and deep and…filled with everything you’ve been telling yourself not to want.

Wake up. Smell the roses. Put one in your hair. Be yourself. Smile. Laugh. Engage. Be the woman God created you to be and quit killing your heart.