Hannah's Heartstrings

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While we were in Missouri, I had one of the most epic moments of my life. Because of the epicness of it, I felt it deserved its own post.

I met Lydia.

In real-life, flesh-and-blood, huggable reality.

Most people may not understand the immense importance of this, so I will elaborate.

I have known Lydia for Fifteen Years. Fifteen Years. I first came to know her through her penpal ad in her friends' christian girls' magazine. There were several ads, but Lydia's attracted me specially. All the others advertised for penpals of certain ages, limiting the amount of people that could get a chance to reply. But Lydia's was different. She wanted penpals of any age---"from 1 to 100!"

So I wrote to her. And she wrote back. And so it continued in sweet, sometimes sporadic letters over the course of several years. Soon technology entered our lives and we kept in contact through emails and Facebook.

We wished for many years to be able to meet in person, but sadly, Oklahoma is a long way from Pennsylvania. So when Missouri became the closest we have ever been to each other, Lydia made the trip up with her darling mother, sister Abigail and adorable baby girl Zuriel.

The face I've seen in photos, and the voice I've heard over the phone. She's real. I got to hug her.

680 plus miles.

14 hours in the car.

Driving past what felt like every single "blink-and-you'll-miss-it" small town in the Midwest.

Winding up in a middle-of-nowhere camp with zip cell reception.

Why?

"...to make all men see what is the fellowship of the mystery..." (Eph. 3:9)


I spent the week prior to arriving at this beautiful place fretting and freaking out. All the planning and prep work that had gone into this event had me running in circles. I mean, how on earth does one truly prepare for a weekend of ministry in which you have to cook meals for 45-50 people, make sure everyone has what they need and is happy, all in a place you have never been to before and have very little idea of what to expect?

So I fretted.

Then we arrived.

And my mind was blown.

My soul was completely refreshed, and there were several moments over the weekend where I found my self near tears of joy. Everyone brought food, which was my biggest worry, and we had a beautiful abundance! I had so much help in the kitchen that everything ran like a well-oiled machine.




We played. We ate. We sang. We hugged. We talked. We smiled till it hurt and laughed till we cried.






We are the next generation. We are the heartbeat of the movement.

If not us, then who? 

So I spent the weekend at the Great Lakes Grace Bible Conference in Wilmot, Ohio. It has become as very special place to me, since it was the exact weekend event where I met my husband three years ago, and the location where we decided to get married almost one year ago. Its always such a great experience, with wonderful preachers sharing their knowledge, meeting friends new and old, and seeing the beautiful landscape that is Ohio's Amish Country.


I really think that this was one of the best conferences I've been to, mostly because I focused on being relaxed, soaking in the messages, and simply enjoying it. I didn't have any pressures of wedding planning, or being so newly twitterpatted that I couldn't focus. I got to go, relax, enjoy every second, and go home afterwards with my sweet husband.

And that is where my first observation comes from.

I notice that I am so much more at ease now. I come with my guy and then I leave with him. Before being married, I thrived on staying up late, being in every part of everything and getting as much interaction with people as I possibly could. I cried when I left events and it always felt like there was a big hole left in my heart. The days after a get-together were hard and sad. Now...I simply enjoy the time that I have, I go to bed at a decent hour and at the end, I go home with my favorite person of all time. I like it better this way. :)

I really enjoyed watching people. I have always been the quieter person that listens more than talks and occasionally interjects when I feel I have something significant to say. That is, unless you get me on a subject I like...then I will talk your ear off. But I find it very interesting to just watch people and observe how they behave.

This is observation Number Two.

I saw that some people have an attitude that, because they are at a Bible Conference, they must behave differently than they would normally.

Yeah, this is a Bible conference, so I have to wear this instead of that.
We probably shouldn't watch that movie, or talk about that subject, since we are at a Bible conference.
Oops, I shouldn't say that word, since I'm at a Bible Conference.

You get the idea. And all I am going to say on that note is this...why do we live in a way that forces us to have to act differently in front of our Bible Conference Friends than we would when we are at home?

These are just my observations.

I also noticed that there are people that come to places like this, sit down to listen to speaker, and then get offended by something the speaker says. Bottom line...don't come to something like that and expect to only hear what you want to hear. The speaker merely gave his opinion, and he stated that it was thus several times. There is no reason to have a fit over something he clearly wasn't aiming at you personally.

Again. Just my observation.

On a happier note, I observed a mother deal with something sensitive in a most gracious manner. Her teenage son was spending a lot of time enjoying the company of a young lady whom she was not acquainted with. She wanted to know who the girl was, so she quietly asked around and eventually became good friends with the girl's mom. Now that, I thought, is a great way to keep an eye out on your children and who they are hanging out with. She found out what she wanted to know in a calm and rational manner. She didn't make a big fuss or become defensive. But she was looking out for her son, and she did it with respect and grace.
I admired that a lot. And its little things like that that I put in the back of mind, in a file marked "See that? Remember that when you have kids."

I also observed that when you do something different in your life, you have to expect people to not understand. And you have to try to find a gracious way to explain to them why you do what you do, because they will ask. You can get upset, because often people ask about your differences in ways that are not always the most gracious. They will be blunt and brash. But the bottom line is that they just don't have a clue. And at times, depending on what it is, you intimidate them, and their nervousness cause them to not really think about the question they are asking. Just keep calm and try to avoid beating them about the head. :)

One last thing. We may not be the largest group in the world. We may not be the most well-loved. We may not be the most talented or have the most advertising. But there is a passion here uncommon in many circles. There is a depth of love, grace and wisdom that you don't find just anywhere. And while so many people are trying to get filled up on some watered-down version of Christianity, something very special goes on here. This is real. This is empowering. And I'm not letting go.

Every once in a while, I will see a picture pop up with a quip about grandmas. Sometimes they are really sweet, but very often they are kind of---well, irritating.

Now, I love my grandmas. I just got a new one by getting married last year, and she is such a darling. But there is an attitude surrounding grandmothers in general that is not what it should be.

"I can at Grandma's!"

"The world needs grandmas cause those kids aren't going to spoil themselves!"

"What happens at Grandma's...stays at Grandma's."

"Being Grandma means never having to say no."

Ok, so its meant to be funny. But behind ever word of sarcasm, there is a bit of truth. And the truth is that there is this idea that grandmothers are supposed to spoil grandkids. They say yes when mom says no, and nothing is off limits at Grandma's house.

WHY??

Maybe I'm the oddball, but that mindset seems totally backwards to me. Unless grandparents are trying to exact some sort of revenge on their kids for giving them such a hard time growing up, shouldn't they be supporting these young parents in their endeavors?

And maybe I'm just ridiculously lucky to know that I have a mom and a mother-in-law that would respect my wishes with my kids, support me and help me instead of hinder my child-raising plans. If mom says no, then grandma says no too. And my kids will know that.

Yeah...I know...I don't have kids yet, so what am I even talking about? Well, I know that I have seen what I don't like. And I like knowing that my kids grandparents will be the kind I can trust and enjoy and not dread them being with. I know they will be good examples and that my kids will have a heritage they can look up to and grandparents that can be a happy part of their lives.

The end.

I recently watched TLC's "Breaking Amish" series on Netflix. I'm not sure why it intrigued me. Most of it kind of irritated me...way too much drama and bad attitudes. But it spurred on some interesting thoughts, hence this blog post.

"Breaking Amish" chronicles the story of five young Amish/Mennonite people that leave their communities and set off into the outside world. Their journey takes them to New York City as a start, where they get a huge culture shock and dive head first into all that the "English" lifestyle has to offer.

The series is not without plenty of drama, and I found myself fast forwarding a lot. But I think the thing that intrigued me most was the interactions with their families before and after their escapades.

Before they left for the big city, each one was spoken to by one or more family members. They were all told that if they went out and did the things they were planning to, that they would be shunned. When they returned, they were shocked to find that their families would no longer speak to them. One girl's friends even ran from her with their hands on their faces like blinders when they saw her approach in her English clothing. She was heartbroken.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not in any way saying that the Amish lifestyle is right. I disagree with their biblical beliefs entirely, and if I ever had the chance to become friends with someone from that community, I would greatly encourage them to leave.

But the attitudes of  those kids with their families had me shaking my head.

Dude...what did you think was going to happen?

They told you they were not okay with what you were doing. You knew it was against everything they believed in, and you still went on your merry way and did whatever the heck you wanted. Sure, you should be able to make a life for yourself and make decisions on your own. But then to come home and demand that the people who gave you a good and fair warning be tolerant of your new lifestyle? Sorry. It doesn't work that way.

Here is where I believe we have the biggest problem in society today. Everyone wants acceptance and believes that it shouldn't matter what anyone does, you should love and accept them anyways. Maybe some people are okay with this sort of mindset. Heaven knows the media and all the liberal/feminist/feel good junkies of the country are all about just accepting people for "who they are" (aka what they decide to do with their lives). But for me, that's not how it works.

May this be a declaration to my friends and family.

I love you. I will always love you.

But I do not have to love what you do.

I do not have to accept the lifestyles, habits, addictions, choices, or sexual partners you choose to associate with.
I do not have to be okay with the words you use, the friends you hang out with, or your lack of Biblical influence and devotion.
I don't have to tolerate your attitude.
I don't have to act like everything is okay when you are blatantly being disrespectful, partaking in things I don't agree with or living in a way that is opposite of everything I hold dear and important to me.

Love does not equal acceptance. I can love you, the person I have always loved and will continue to. But that doesn't mean I have to accept that you are doing all the things I am against.

Where does grace fit in, you ask? Grace does not gloss over wrong. Grace loves and encourages to do the right thing. Grace does not just leave a person in their pit, afraid to say anything contrary because that person might be offended. Grace loves in spite of wrong, but is not tolerant of it. Grace encourages change and restoration.

So while you are out there finding yourself, remember that I am here with a willing ear and warm hug. I will always love you, but I will never stop praying for you, encouraging you to do the right thing, and hating all the horrid things that are trapping you and keeping you from a rich, fulfilling life in Christ.

I'll admit. I haven't really been fair to the Duggar family. My friend Janet knows this better than anyone. She knows that whenever she mentions the Duggar family, or any "big-christian-homeschool-family-especially-ones-that-sing-together"...I get an attitude. A bitterness, as it were, rises up in my heart and I try to change the subject. She has put up with many of my rants about the Patriarchal system, betrothal, courtship, the having-as-many-kids-as-you-can thing...all of it.

(Off topic plug: Janet is the best friend I have ever had. For nearly 13 years, she has stuck by me through thick and thin. We have grown up together while separated by many miles. She has put up with my rantings and ravings like no one else. No matter what, even if she doesn't agree with me, we still get along. She has never huffed off all offended by anything I've said, and is the most faithful friend I have ever known. <3 )

This morning I read an article about the latest Duggar romance. Actually there are posts all over the place about Jill's courtship with her missionary man and how she met him via Skype and started their relationship before they met. Google anything about Duggar courtships and you get an onslaught of post and interviews and videos talking about their courtship rules and whatnot. Needless to say...they're pretty popular.

But this morning's post made me realize something.

I've been bitter against these people unjustly.

I'm not being sarcastic here. I'm truly honest. I've disliked them unfairly. Am I still kind of weirded out by how famous they have become? Yeah, it still irritates me, but whatever...its their life.

But this is what has made me realize how unfair I have been: they are raising good kids.

One son married with three kids and very successful. Two daughters in relationships with good, strong Christian men. The others well on their way.

They are doing something right!

So what I've realized is that maybe instead of being resentful against them for being so famous for their over-sized family and strict conservative rules...maybe instead of watching and waiting for one of them to mess up...maybe I should be cheering them on!

Sure I don't agree with their biblical doctrine, but that's not the issue here. The issue is that they are raising, good, pure, successful, happy, polite, drug-free people that value marriage, family and God. What is so wrong with that?

There is nothing wrong with a couple "dating with the intent of marriage" (aka courting), saving sex for marriage, saving 99% of physical contact for marriage and focusing on their spiritual and emotional growth together first. What a foundation to have! Maybe if more people valued marriage like that, there would be less heartache and divorce in this world.

There is nothing wrong with the family being involved in that process. People young and in love need good counsel and eyes other than their own to see the red flags that we miss through our rose-colored-glasses.Yes, of course, they are adults, and not every couple is blessed with Godly, reasonable, understanding parents. But there is always someone out there, even if its just your friends, that can give counsel, wisdom and accountability.

I could go on and on, but the point is this. There is nothing wrong with the way the Duggar family, or any of these families live. They aren't perfect...but then again they never make that claim. They do the best that they know how and strive to raise their families to be honorable in the sight of God and man. Some may fall, yes. But so far the odds are for them. They are doing alright here! So why hate them for raising the bar and releasing some beautiful, God-fearing people into the world?

In closing, I'm sorry, Duggars. And everyone else. Keep doing what you are doing. Thank you for valuing marriage and family and giving your kids an amazing foundation.

People take friendships for granted, as if they are just always going to be there. If you have a friend that you honestly, without putting any thought into it, can know that they will always and forever be there, then lucky you. But most of the time it just doesn't work that way.

Friendships take work. Sure you can hit it off and be best of friends right off the bat. But at one point or another, you are going to hit a rough point. You are going to be at odds about something, argue, get frustrated, not understand each other. Its what people do. And it takes effort and work to get through those points.

But guess what? That's life.

Things hurt. People say things they don't think about. Arguments happen. So do we just pack up our toys and run home crying? I guess some people do. But where do we get this "friendship lasts forever" fantasy?

The simple fact is this: friendship doesn't last forever unless you want it to, and unless you put the work into it. Just like a marriage isn't going to last unless you value it, work at it, and keep it alive, so friendship is the same. It takes time and effort, forgiveness and having the courage to pick things up when they fall apart.

I admit I'm not always the best friend I could be. I say the wrong things. I forget about writing to you, and then just pop up out of the blue. I will probably offend you, and I will say hard things. But I will be honest with you. I will try my hardest to fix things that break. I will be open and real. And if its my honesty, openness and realness that causes you not to be able to trust me...then we've got bigger problems.

Everyone wants a friend that will be there forever.

But not everyone wants to do what it takes to make that possible.

And again. And again.

When will this circle end?

I keep trying. I keep putting myself out there for you. Giving you chance after chance to break my heart all over again. Why?

You've pushed me away again. How many more times do I let myself get disappointed and hurt?

My initial fighting response wants to rise up in my heart.

Fine. Be that way. Whatever.

I want to be angry at you. I want to give up and forever delete you from life somehow. I feel like that is exactly the attitude you have towards me.

But that's not who I am. 

Believe what you like about me. Form your own conclusions of my life, my choices, my thoughts, because your assumptions will be all you have of me since you care not to find out who I really am.

Funny...I thought you already knew.

I keep trying. I will keep putting myself out there, hoping maybe someday you'll reach back.

Why? Because some part of me still believes you're worth it.

Everything is an extreme.
Black and white.
There are no grey areas. And if you think its a grey area, its probably sin.
You can't walk the fence. You're either all in or all out.

Or at least that's what we've believed.

We had good intentions. We started out well. We saw what we didn't want and decided that the best thing to do was to run in the opposite direction. Logically, biblically, morally...that's what you're supposed to do, right?
Because who would ever think that extreme goo could in any was be wrong? That's like saying that extreme wrong can in some way be good. Right?

Oh yes. We had good intentions. But how did we get so messed up along the way?

We just went too far.

We took beautiful things and pushed them to a limit that made them sickening. We took things that should have been admirable and made them in to something people scoff at and are disgusted by.

We made a heart into something that could be given away in bits, never to be restored, and we were warned to avoid any emotional romantic attachments until we found "the one".

We turned homeschooling into something that sheltered and cloistered our children from the world, in an attempt to protect them from the world instead of a way to teach them how to deal with it.

We took sex and made it scary. We took any type of physical contact with the opposite sex and made it so forbidden that many of us were pretty freaked out when our wedding night rolled around.

We took "honor thy father and mother" and made it into "thou shalt not make any big decisions, especially concerning relationships, without our permission until you are married, at which point you will suddenly be forced to make all big decisions."

We turned modesty into an obnoxious declaration of holiness.

These are just a few examples.

We made things into sin that never should have been, and turned our lives into one big guilt trip.

This is what we did.
Now look at where we are.

Articles are popping up all over the internet, refuting the practices and beliefs we worked so long to define. Whole websites have been devoted to telling the stories of the young men and women who now bear the scars inflicted by the extremes of the homeschool/conservative/quiverful/ATI/etc., movements. Kids that grew up in our little worlds are now adults, facing a whole new set of extremes. We are either falling apart, washing away our guilt with various addictions and/or turning so far in the opposite direction that we are nearly unrecognizable. Or we are standing as if frozen, wondering what to do with ourselves. As I recently related to a friend, we know that we can't repeat the past, but we aren't sure what to do with our futures.

We need a happy medium.

We need a way to go back to our original intentions without screwing them up. We need to find a place in our hearts that views homeschooling as a better education option, not a cult lifestyle...a place that is comfortable talking about sex and communicating it as the beautiful marriage thing it really is...a place where modesty really is a heart issue...a place where there are grey areas, and where grace is applied. 

We must learn to be real.
Normal.
Comfortable.
Gracious.

We have to stop freaking out, calm down, give ourselves a break and see if we can make these things beautiful again.

For the sake of future generations, its worth a shot.

Dear Music, Magazines, Celebrities, Advertisements, Movies, and anything having to do with American culture...

Dear World-as-we-know-it...

Please stop.

Please stop telling people, especially the young ones, that drugs, tobacco and alcohol are okay. Because they aren't. I'm so tired of seeing the lives of the people I love ruined, or at the very least, damaged by these addictive substances. You keep playing it all up as the cool thing to do. You give them a sparkling fantasy, a fun way to bond with friends, something to numb whatever feelings they don't want at the moment. You give them an answer, but you don't even know the question.

Please stop telling people that its okay to have sex with whomever suits your fancy. Stop saying that its okay to do it casually, that its just a natural part of life and should be treated with no more reverence than a handshake. You are ruining the real beauty, and leaving people even more heartbroken than they were. Quit making beautiful things like sex so common.

Why do you hurt everything that is good? You take something good and innocent, and you twist it into a dark, perverted mass that can no longer enjoy the real beauty.

All you do is lie. You tell them that its all okay, its all good, enjoy, have fun. And then they tell me that I have to be okay with their choices. I'm not. I will never stop loving them, but I will never be okay with your lies which they have accepted as truth.

My heart is breaking. And its all your fault.

To my friend.

I'm waiting.

Remember that scene in Fireproof when all he can do is wait? He's done everything, and now all he can do is pray, hope and wait for some kind of a response from his wife. He knows he may never get one. But still he waits. Patient. Aching. Hopeful.

I know how that feels.

I remember doing a lot of waiting during my single years. Waiting to meet someone. Waiting and hoping to see if that person reciprocated interest. Waiting to see if this was the right person. Getting let down when it wasn't. I cannot explain the relief I felt on my wedding day. That's right. I was relieved. I had found my love, and he was truly and completely mine. I didn't have to wait to have him anymore.

But that's not the kind of waiting I'm doing right now.

I'm waiting for you.

I've reached out again, attempting to reenter your world. Inviting you back into mine.

Perhaps its just my personality. But I am having a hard time letting you go. I've been told I should. People come and go in our lives all the time, and we have to learn to let people go. But I'm not ready to do that with you. I thought I was. But the ache in my heart won't go away, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm over it.

You were my friend. My sister. We shared such a sweet bond. How can I just let that go?

If you tell me that this is futile, that you can never and will never forgive me, then I will let go once and for all. But I need something. Anything.

So for now...

...I'm waiting.

You really have no idea how ecstatically excited I am about this. I mean, literally, I almost cried when it was finished, and I jumped and danced around the kitchen for a good fifteen minutes after taking the first bite.

I am just elated over this.

I have not had pumpkin pie for over four years.


This year, I was determined to figure out how to make it so I could eat it.

It started with putting some pumpkin puree in a smoothie. Hey that was pretty good...with some pumpkin pie spice, it tasted like pie. The hankering has begun.

I read up on some other recipes for super vegan pies based with nuts and coconut milk/butter/oil. So I took bits and pieces of different ideas, plus one or two of my own...and this happened.


I soaked 1 cup of raw cashews overnight, and then pulverized them in my Magic Bullet.


Then I added about 1/2 cup of pumpkin puree, 1-2 TBSP of warm, melty coconut butter, and sweetened with stevia.

That's the filling.

The Crust: I pulverized some almonds (enough to make about 1/2-3/4 cup of course flour), added stevia to sweeten and 1-2 TBSP of warm coconut oil and a little scoop of coconut oil to help it harden up better.



I smooshed the crust mixture into the bottom of my springform pan. So really, this is more of a pumpkin cheesecake than a pie. But anyways. That's what I did.

Poured in the filling...



...and let it sit in the fridge for a couple hours. Really, because of the nature of coconut butter/oil, only an hour or so of refrigeration is needed. Its awesome. So quick and easy!!

And there you have it. The best, most happiest thing I have tasted in my whole life. Well, at least in the past four years. Well, one of the best... :)

{Warning: This is a rant. This is not pointed at anyone in particular. This is simply how I feel and what I am never able to say to people.)


It would be a gross understatement to say that food is a big part of my life. Sometimes I feel that food IS my life. Figuring out what to eat, shopping for it, preparing, learning new ways to make the best of what I have. And having a good attitude about it.

For those that may not know, I live on a diet made up of vegetables, nuts, beans and a small bit of fruit. And that’s it. I’ve been working on this diet for over four years. I have eliminated all of the following: wheat, gluten, grains of any sort (including rice and oats), caffeine, corn, sugar, all artificial colorings and sweeteners, potatoes, squash (with the exception of pumpkin), chocolate, soy and most vinegars.

It’s part of my journey to cure myself from a form of what I have come to call hormonal and diet-related epilepsy.

Its always interesting to tell people about my food life and what I do or don’t eat. They tend to stare at me, jaw dropped and eyes blinking, as if they can’t possibly imagine how someone could eat like I do. Then the questions come and unbelief deepens, especially when I tell then I never, ever cheat.

I think a lot more than I say, most of the time. I bite my tongue a lot, and simply just shake my head or shrug my shoulders.

I try so hard not to be a “food snob”, or get irritated with people. But sometimes…

This is what I’m really thinking.

“So, you’re like a celiac? My {insert random family member} is celiac and its so hard knowing what to feed her!”

Yes and no. I don’t label myself that because its so much more than that. I don’t have the common symptoms a true celiac does.

I also do not follow the popular “gluten free” diet. That diet is based on the common gluten free grain: CORN. Which in most cases is genetically modified. And even if it is organic, its still going to cause a ton of inflammation. AND odds are your awesome gluten free food is laced with extra sugar to make it taste better. Going gluten free the way a lot of people do it is a lose-lose situation.

You don’t know what to feed your celiac friend? Hello. Get out of the mindset that every meal has to have some sort of pasta, bread, muffin, cookie or other grain based object in it! Get some veggies, even potatoes and rice, and you’ll all be better off.

“You can’t eat bread or pasta or potatoes??? What do you eat??”

Man. You say that like there literally is nothing else to eat in the world. I hope you realize there are other foods than that!

And didn’t I just tell you? I eat VEGETABLES (lots of them), NUTS, BEANS and some fruit. Its really amazing how full you can get from those foods, and how many things you can do with them. Quit thinking of a salad as a side dish. Quit thinking of nuts as a snack. The difference between you and me is that I don’t fill my stomach with empty calories. My body benefits from every single bite of food I eat. There is nothing I eat that I can’t tell you has some sort of nutritional health benefit. Unlike your bowl of cheesy pasta, which has very little value and is probably just going to give you inflammation…which in turn will make you go to your doctor and he’ll diagnose you with arthritis and give you a whole lotta blah-blah-blah unless he’s smart and he’ll tell you to just back off the pasta. Simple.

I eat more and better food than you likely will ever imagine eating. I am not lacking. I am not hungry. I don’t struggle with excessive weight gain like you do. On top of that I have better willpower and self control than you will probably ever have because I have to. I CHOOSE TO.

“I don’t think I could ever eat like that! I couldn’t give up {insert favorite fatty food}!!”

Get over yourself. You could eat like that. People don’t die from a lack of pizza, potato chips and ice cream. Actually people would live longer and have much better quality of life if they did eliminate those foods!

How about this…just don’t even go here with me. Don’t tell me you “can’t” give up or live without some favorite food. You’re just being a big whiny child. If you’re going to say anything to me about this, just come out and admit you just have bad willpower and just don’t want to not eat what you want to eat. I’ll have more respect for that than  “I can’t live without…”

There are only a few things in this world necessary to your survival. Water, nourishment, a way to keep warm, a roof over your head. Everything else is a luxury. Everything you say you couldn’t live without is purely for your enjoyment and has nothing to do with your survival.

“You should go to an allergist and get checked out and find out what you’re allergic to. Then maybe you could have some of those foods again!”

Um…I had seizures. And when I eliminated foods, I stopped having them. When I eat certain things, especially during certain times of the month, I am prone to having seizures. Don’t you think that’s test enough??

Just because I’ve never gone to a doctor doesn’t mean I don’t know how to heal myself. Quit treating your doctor like a god. He is not the be-all-end-all of health. Maybe if you quit depending on him so much and started learning and studying for yourself, you wouldn’t be in his office as much.

And do I LOOK like I’m lacking? I am a well proportioned twenty-four year old woman whose only health need at this point is to exercise a little more (there I’ll admit that one). I’m definitely not malnourished. I never go hungry. The food I eat is amazing. So tell me again how I’m suffering from not eating the foods you think are so important?

“Here, you want a {insert food}? Oh wait…sorry…you can’t have that.”

Yeah. Thanks for reminding me again of how I can no longer participate in the world-wide tradition of bonding with my loved ones over all our favorite foods.

Thanks for reminding me that smell is now my only connection with all the seasonal favorites such as hot cocoa, pumpkin pie, Christmas cookies, and Thanksgiving turkey.

Thanks for reminding me of the nervousness that comes from serving someone food I’ve made for them because I can’t taste it to know if its good or not.

Thanks for reminding me that I have to stand on the sidelines and watch everyone else eat my birthday cake.

Thanks for reminding me that I can’t go out for ice cream with my husband, or meet a friend for coffee, or eat at most of the restaurants in town.

Thanks for reminding me that this is my life.

Yeah. That’s sarcasm.


This has turned into a longer rant than I expected. If you’ve actually made it through all that, then I applaud you.

Despite my generally positive attitude about my food life, I have days just like the rest of you where I get frustrated and discouraged. I have literally blocked most food options from my brain and only ever allow myself to think about eating what I know is good for me. That is how I get through cooking for my husband or anyone else. I don’t give myself the option of eating “normal” food. My only choice…the only one I give myself…is what is on my short list. Period.

But then there are the days. Someone makes a comment, whether uneducated, unfeeling, or just out of the embarrassment of not being able to feed me whatever they’ve prepared. And those comments pile up in my heart and remind me of what I’m missing. While everyone else is gushing over how wonderful something tastes, I just have to stand and smile. While everyone is celebrating with a birthday cake or holiday meal, I just have to sit there and wait, wishing everyone would eat faster so this meal would be over sooner.

But I’m fine. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it absolutely doesn’t bother me. Because of the food life I have come to claim as mine, I’m strong enough to handle people and their half-thought-out comments and actions. Because of what I go through on a daily basis, I choose not to let it bother me. But everyone needs to vent sometimes.

Stop feeling sorry for me. Eat your food, enjoy it, be happy, whatever. And let me do the same. Try being happy for me, giving me a pat on the back, instead of mourning over the food I can’t eat. I don’t sit around moping and whining because I can‘t eat the same food as everyone else…so why should you?

Quit pitying me. I need your encouragement, not your pity. I’m better off and healthier than you are anyways.