Hannah's Heartstrings

It’s the silliness of his Facebook picture being one of you,
Knowing that you’re both counting the days ‘till you say “I do”.
It’s the missing, waiting and the longing that makes your heart sing,
And the look in his eyes that makes you proud to be the girl that wears his ring.

It’s the sound of his voice when he says your name along with “I love you”,
It’s the smile he gives you that lets you know this dream is coming true,
It’s the love you share that flows around every tiny little thing,
And remind you just how blessed you are to be the girl that wears his ring.

It’s your future with him that’s waiting, full and silent and untold,
It’s the promise that you’ll give him with a shiny band of gold
Knowing, with God, you’ll make it through whatever life may bring
By everyday remembering why you’re the girl that wears his ring.

(for Nicole Cason who will marry David Hegstad on June 2, 2012)
By Hannah McMichael
Sept. 28, 2011

“It is who you are, not just what you do.” –Reb Bradley

Josh Harris recently posted an article by Reb Bradley entitled “Homeschool Blindspots”. It has hit homeschool circles like wildfire. I was no exception to those that read it and reposted it.

I told my friend and Auntie Lisa that I felt empty after reading the article. I couldn’t explain it at first, but I felt drained, as if something was being pulled from me and I was desperately trying to hang on.

I realized that many of the things that Mr. Bradley was hitting on were things I had experienced in my own life. I was “sheltered” to an extent (no TV for a time, only listening to hymns, etc.). I related to the section on judging (I had quite the attitude against women who wore pants or anyone that wasn’t homeschooled during different seasons of my life). Several points he made hit me smack in the heart. He was making these things sound horrible and I was not ready to give them up. I lived some of that. That was a part of who I was and who I became. And when someone tries to tell me that that part of me was wrong, my defense goes up.

My childhood experience in the conservative homeschool world was near as severe as Reb Bradley described in his article. And I loved it. If I had to do it over again, I’d want to be raised exactly the same way. It molded me into the person I am today. And it’s a part of me that will always remain.

Homeschooling isn’t the problem. Being conservative isn’t the problem. Courtship isn’t the problem. The people are the problem! We get is stuck in our thick brains that one process or way of life is more holy than another and then can’t understand why someone in our family fall off the bandwagon.

It’s not the word that’s important. It’s the idea, the mindset. Nothing was ever wrong with wanting something better for our children. It only became wrong when we made idols of such words as homeschooling and courtship.

Let’s go back to why people first fought for the right to homeschool. They wanted to give their kids a better education, a better social life and a better opportunity to serve God than what they could find in the public or private schools.

Fast forward thirty years and that’s exactly what I want for my children, only I want for them a better homeschool experience than what I had. I don’t even know what that might be, maybe one without silly inside jokes or one with a different kind of social life. I don’t know, its just what I desire.

But that’s not important. The words matter little if God is not behind them. Arguing whether homeschooling is better or not, or if homeschoolers are damaged by sheltering or not, really is a waste of time.

I was glad that Reb Bradley ended his article with the answer to the “problems” be described: Win your child’s heart. Cultivate a relationship with each of them. Turn their hearts towards God, not toward a formula. Instill in them a love and desire for God’s word.

The rest is up to God. Give your children the tools they need and let them choose how to use them. Encourage, pray and leave the result up to him.


Hannah McMichael
September 14, 2011

As I look back through the pages of my life
I see pieces marked with joy and some with strife
The hurt seems to stand out so much further than I’d like
It never fully goes away, though I always wish it might

But then I see
Someone smiling at me

And in a moment I’d go back down every broken road
I’d relive all the places that I chose to go
Through every single year
I’d cry every single tear
There’s nothing I would change
Nothing I would rearrange
I’d go through every heartache, every let down, every doubt and fear
I would do it all again because it brought me here.

by Hannah McMichael
Sept. 4, 2011

The choices you’ve made have brought you here
The consequence fills your heart with fear
You searched for love in all the wrong places
Instead you found hurt wearing all love’s faces
You’re left with a flower, bruised but still living
You cry when you think of the life that you’re giving

So much is lost, but something is found
A decision waits in your hands right now
So much is at stake; will you stand or run?
Do you have what it takes to finish what you’ve begun?
More will be lost in saving your pride
I know you are scared, but don’t run and hide

There’s still time to fix this; you’re not at the end
You don’t have to take the first choice the world sends
Come what may, you have the chance to do what’s right
You have the chance to save one innocent life
The hardest thing you may ever do, this one thing you can give
No matter what you’ve done in life, please let your baby live

by Hannah McMichael

I came to three rather prominent conclusions today.

1. Sometimes I really hate internet chat. It is so hard to decipher people's feelings and thoughts through typed messages. Its so much easier when you're able to see their faces and hear their voices. Online chat can be the best thing in the world, but there are times when it frustrates me to no end.

2. Sometimes I really envy men's ability to only think of one thing at a time. It can be a real burden to always be thinking of a dozen things all at once, and not be able to put thoughts out of my mind that I'd rather not think about. My mind can't rest. Its always going, going, going. I've tried very hard to only focus on one thing at a time. I can't. Don't get me wrong...multi-tasking is helpful. Just tiring.

3. I think I talk too much, in spite of the people that think I am really quiet and don't talk enough. You can't imagine how many times I think "Man, me and my big mouth. Why, oh why, did I say that??"

There you have it. Three thoughts from my weird and crazy mind.

My heart bathed in peace
I smiled to myself
And felt
A strange sensation.
Something was gone
But I hadn’t missed it.
Everything was right
Yet something was lost.

Then in hit me
Like the sun’s brightness as it breaks the dawn,
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.

I should be, for there is so much to be scared of.
But my fear is gone.
Nothing can shake me.
I fear nothing.
I am not afraid.

The Word of God has gently whispered to my heart.
“Fear not.”
My heart whispers in return. “Yes, Lord.”
My fears melt away
Slowly
Silently
Until I am struck by the knowing that
I am not afraid.
My God is for me. What can man do to me? My God is bigger than anything I fear. What shall separate me from the Love of Christ? Shall tribulation, poverty, loneliness, hunger, confrontation, pain, illness, worry, anger, wars?
I am persuaded.
My God shall overcome all.
My God holds me in the palm of His hand.
Nothing shall separate me from His love.
And I am not afraid
I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.
I AM NOT AFRAID!

The past attempts to weigh me down
As fears would grip my heart.
I almost missed what was right in front of me
All for looking at my own scars.
Giving up what I couldn’t hold;
I’d wanted something that wasn’t true.
A new dance was there, I almost didn’t see;
Forgiving myself was the least I could do.
Simple enough, just pick up and move on---
Why had I never done this before?
Learn from my mistakes, but don’t let them be chains;
There’s so much to life, oh! So much more!
Ther right words, the right time,
Like one glorious fairy tale.
Giving me the freedom and strength,
To more than conquer and prevail.
I turn my back on my broken road
And watch the one before me shine.
Fears and struggles will come, I know
But glory is revealed in this life of mine.

By Hannah McMichael

I am scared
I am small
Far beyond my comfort zone
I pray and
I dream
Stand shaking all on my own

I’ve made every move that I dared
I’ve stepped out do much further than before
I open my hands and painfully wait
No way to do less, no way to do more

Am I in the right scene?
What’s my next line?
It’s dark out now
Am I doing this right?
Are my tears in vain?
Are my worries unjust?
Is there still more I need
In learning to trust?

So much is at stake
One wrong move
One wrong step
And all I lose

Dancing on glass
Forward and back
To far, too close?
Too much, not enough?

I don’t know the next part
This is strange and foreign ground
I don’t know what else to do
Besides wait like always before

I’m not supposed to doubt
Or fear
Or worry
But I will never be strong enough to surrender without crying.
I am not big enough to dream without fearing.
The faith and love of my Lord is carries me through, because my faith quivers.

Everything strives to discourage me,
To tell me I hope in vain. But…

The Voice of Truth tell me
Your Blessings come in disguise.
So While I’m Waiting, Broken and Spilled Out,
I’ll Stand.
I Worship You
for You are My All in All.
I am a flower quickly fading,
but Great Are You, Lord.
Everything rides on Hope Now,
So, Jesus, Bring the Rain.
I Will Follow, No Matter What,
With Arms Wide Open,
Sweetly Broken, holy surrender.

By Hannah McMichael

I am weird in more ways than one, but I am weird for a good reason. It has taken me two years to get to where I am now and you couldn’t pay me to turn around and go the opposite way. I enjoy this sane, peaceful, balanced and almost powerful feeling way too much to go back.

I am many things…gluten-free, corn-free, blood-type-diet-follower (for the most part) and vegetarian (ovo-vegetarian to be precise). I am also an herb freak, somewhat of a hippie, and I strive to eat organic. We won’t go into me conservative-homeschooler-ness just now; my odd eating habits are enough to keep anyone amused. :)

This wasn’t just some off-the-wall decision. I was not influenced by peer pressure or religiosity. This was 100% based on the health of my body, the sanity of my mind, and the gripping fears of my heart.

This is the whole story. Chronologically, in the best detail as I can remember, here is what happened:

Sometime around 2001-02: I began experiencing “twitches”. At first they were just annoying; I would jump involuntarily, my eyes would flutter and I would lose concentration for a moment, particularly in the morning sunlight. I just ignored for quite a while.

July 2009: Part of my family and I were planning on going to Tennessee for the weekend. The day before we left, I ate a ton of microwave popcorn (which we didn’t attribute to my problems until much later). The morning we were supposed to leave, my dad had an asthma attack. I woke up at 4am, thinking we were going to be late leaving, and found out my dad was sick so we couldn’t go. For all reasons considered (early morning, popcorn the night before, upset, and bad time of the month for me), I experienced what my mom called a “petite mal seizure”.
There began the long haul of finding out what was wrong with me. I praise God every day that my parents did not take me to the hospital that night. If they had, I would have been put on medication and would now be dealing with being a “vegetable”.

August 2009: I had some incentive to figure out what my problems were, because I intended on taking a trip to Colorado with my brother for a homeschool reunion. So by my mother’s advice, I went gluten-free. Unfortuately that was only the tip of the iceberg. I ate some things I shouldn’t have during the trip and did experience some twitching.

October 2009: A couple weeks before another homeschool trip, this time planned with friends, I woke up in the middle of the night and experienced another seizure. In the morning after, I woke up with no recollection of what happened except for the very beginning. The skin around my eyes was covered in broken blood vessels, and my tongue was bruised on the end. It took me nearly a week to recover. This time I figured out two things: I was extremely sensitive to corn and I was made worse when people coddled and doted over me.

February 2010: My family discovered “The Blood Type Diet”. Since my parents knew their types, my siblings and I got tested to find out ours and we gave it a shot. It made the most sense we’d ever heard. And what did we have to lose? Feeding my blood sounded crazy, but it was worth the try. I was willing to try almost anything.
I noticed marked improvement with my struggles, but even more incredible was that my dad’s asthma decreased almost 100% in three days.

I focused on “doing the diet” for the next year. During that time, we discovered the methylcobolamin form of vitamin B-12. My dad took it for energy and his asthma, initially. Then one day I took it and felt immensely better. It has since become my life saver and best friend. :)
I still experienced minor “twitchings”, but mostly during my time of the month, either the week before, during, or the week after. So long as no one paid attention to me (make me upset or nervous), I was generally okay. This was hard because my family worried about me and wanted to help me. It was hard for them to understand that the only was to help me was by not helping me.

So a year passed as I added, removed and discovered many things in my food life. It was about 50-50 split between rewarding and frustrating. I would jump for joy at finding something I could eat or after having a particularly good month. And I would cry in anger and fear during a bad time when I couldn’t control my twitches and couldn’t figure out what else to do.

I prayed everything I could think of; “God, please heal my body!” “Lord Jesus, I can’t do this alone. Please conquer whatever is happening to me.” “God, show me what to do!” and on and on. I knew in my heart that my prayers for healing were foolish. That was not what I needed. God knew I needed this journey, this story. Little by little, I found the tools that led to my healing.

June 2011: I became a vegetarian. I still eat eggs, so I am not a hard-core vegan. I truly believe that this was the final key to my healing. This, next to the B-12 methylcobolamin, made the biggest difference in my body. I had never felt better. I was even able to spend a week in Chicago, eating not a whole lot of food, running on less sleep than normal and during a time of the month that had previously given me trouble.

It sure felt like a miracle to me.

I am strongly of the opinion that, had I gone to a medical doctor with my problems, I would have been diagnosed with some sort of neurological disorder/disease. I was heavily immunized as a child and I do believe that damaged my nerves and cause my intolerance to so many foods. The biggest benefit of my favorite vitamin, B-12 methylcobolamin, is that it repairs myelin, the sheath that protects nerve cells.

And so, my B-12 is repairing my damaged nerves and my food life is strengthening the rest of my body.

Right now, I feel invincible, even though I know I’m not. I still slip up. I still get angry, scared to death and incredibly frustrated. I confess to nearly bursting into tears in the Whole Foods Market in Chicago when I found veggie chips that I could actually eat. Then didn’t I eat the wrong ones and suffered a feverish neck and headache later that evening.

I’ve learned to be incredibly creative in the kitchen. If I’m hungry for something, I figure out how to make it, or else go without. I’ve found I can survive for days on lettuce, apples and water.
Being a vegetarian is quite helpful too. People understand it better, and nod compassionately when I tell them, rather than staring blankly when I say “I’m allergic to corn, wheat, gluten, pork, beef, and I follow the blood type diet.” Maybe I should just start saying “I’m allergic to food.” That would be about 75% true.

To be honest, I don’t mind if people poke fun (gently) at my oddness. If I didn’t laugh at this, I would be in tears all the time.

This is not about my own self-satisfaction or anything. This is about me being able to function normally and live a beautiful, vibrant life. I want the sanity and strength to be able to live my absolute best for God, and if it means giving up the fleshly freedom of being able to eat anything on the planet, then so be it. There is huge comfort in eating my little salad and knowing that I don’t have to worry about my brain short circuiting on me the next morning. If the worst thing I have to do in life is say “No” to the food everyone else is eating, then I will be blessed beyond my comprehension.

As a young woman who prays for the opportunity to be a wife and mother someday, I came to the realization that I hold the future in my hands. During my “twitching episodes”, I would often involuntarily drop whatever I was holding in my hands. What if I did that when I was holding a baby? That alone was enough incentive for me to do whatever I needed to do in order to heal myself.

I know the story isn’t over. I think I’ve found all the keys, but who knows? There could be one more thing out there that makes my life even better.

I am so thankful to my Lord Jesus Christ for the opportunity to live in this age with its superiority of knowledge in all things healthwise. I praise Him for my family who keeps me going in the right direction, for the friends who encourage me and keep me laughing, and for everyone who has given me even the smallest bit of information.

My prayer is that God will use my journey to help someone else discover their full potential in a complete, vibrant and balanced lifestyle.

Romans 8:18 & 37, “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present times are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us…Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.”

July 16-21, 2011
Rolling Meadows, IL


Words always fail me when I attempt to describe what touches my heart so deeply. I could use every beautiful adjective in the English language and it still wouldn't cut it.

The majority of my family and I put a thousand miles on our minivan traveling to Chicago and back for the greatest Bible conference I've been to yet. Grace Impact outdid themselves and I have no doubt that the 2011 conference will go down in history.


I got to hear some wonderful speakers: Matt Walker, Bryan Ross, Ted Fellows, Richard Jordan, Des Strydom, John Verstegen, just to name a few. I was thrilled to be learning the information these great men put together for us and thankful for them sharing their knowledge. I was determined not to miss a session as long as I was there, and didn't (although I did walk in a few minutes late a couple times).


Not only did I spend a week immersed in God's word, I also got to spend time with some of my dearest friends and meet some new ones...
Kyle Fellows (our Marine friend who is always an awesome source of conversation and fellowship), Curt Fellows (who keeps me in stitches and didn't want to sit next to me), The Peters Family (my longtime Canadian friends/adopted family), The Luethge sisters (we were continually searching for one of them), Jazmin Rodriguez (the dear sweet girl I sadly did not get to spend enough time with), Matt Walker (fellow Eriean!), Charlie and Rochelle McQuillian, Rita Bauschard, Amy Fellows (so glad to officially meet and man, you sure got me addicted to Bananagrams!!), Debbie Collins and all the others I'm for some reason I'm failing to mention.


You may wonder what I thought of Chicago. Well as cities go, its' pretty cool, famous, huge and slightly scary. Truth be told, I didn't go to Chicago to see Chicago. I went to see the people that were IN Chicago. It could have been Timbuktu for all I cared.


Therefore, my memories consist of the people I was privileged to fellowship with.
Here's some of them:

-Seeing some of my favorite friends and meeting new ones.
-Getting to talk about GenerationNEXT on the stage briefly and with several people afterwards.
-Visiting the Miller family on Monday at their home nearby.
-Playing Ninja with Kyle, Em'Lee and Kylah. (Thanks you guys!)
-Looking at Afghanistan pictures with Kyle.
-The Family picnic.
-Surviving the almost 100-degree heat by remembering that at least we weren't over in Afghanistan with 90lbs of gear on our backs, on patrol and getting shot at.
-Taking pictures and video. So many great opportunities!
-SO much conversation!!! My throat was honestly sore from talking...and I even did more listening!
-I don't think I stopped smiling all week. :)
-I had been up quite early each day, until Wednesday when I overslept an hour and a half past when I wanted to be up, which made me late for the first session. So that night, Kyle offered to come pound on our door the next morning so I'd be up. I managed to be up before he came, but we had him come in and wake the boys up too. Imagine their surprise to find a Marine at the foot of their bed at 5am!! So thanks to Kyle, I made it to the morning session early. :D
-Watching Ted Fellows and Ed Yarber lead singing with Marvin Taylor specially on the song "Glory I'm Saved!" was incredibly special!! There was so much energy on that stage, I almost forgot to sing while watching. :)


I honestly could go on and on. Each day held so may moments that brought me near to joyful tears. I laid in bed each night, just grinning at the beauty and goodness I was seeing.


Saying goodbye is always hard for me. We left between sessions, so I didn't get to say goodbye to some people. I hugged Rita, the Luethge's, Curt, Jazmin, Matt and Kyle before running out the door. We weren't even out of the parking lot when I started crying. I spent the trip home looking at the almost 500 pictures and videos on my camera and reading Jazmin's and Kyle's notes in my autograph book and eating veggie chips. :)


I was terribly sad to leave the people I love so dearly, but euphorically happy to have been able to spend near a week in their presense.


I can say it was wonderful, beautiful, more than my wildest dreams. But the only description that comes even close is this: it was Heavenly.

The following entries are my heartthrobs over the past couple days, dealing with fear and realizing something about my life.


July 9, 2011

I am such a fearful creature. I am afraid of so much. I fear, most of all, confrontation, broken bones, house fires and romance. The first three, I often have good reasons to fear. But romance...yeah. Now that is where I confuse myself. I think it is actually myself that I am afraid of. Roamnce is something I want so much and long for. I've been burnt a few times, so I am afraid to say or show how I feel...
I am so afraid.
I fear that what I want isn't real, and that I dream too big.
I am afraid that my world may fall apart at any moment and all that I love will slip through my fingers.

"But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says do not be afraid
The voice of truth says this is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe
The voice of truth."
(Casting Crowns)

I need to listen to that song more often.
God, I cannot ask that you take away my fear. I can ask that you give me the strength to conquer the things that I fear and believe in your voice that tells me you have it all under control. You will make my biggest dreams come true in far more glorious ways than I can imagine them.


July 10, 2011

Perhaps I set my heart too high on earthly things. My affections, I see, for the things of this world are too deep. How much I treasure my possessions, my relationships, my time here! What if I had to live without the things I cherish so much? I take a look back at the things I fear. Why do I fear them?
I fear house fires mostly because I do not want to lose the things I have put so much of myself into, most of all, my writings.
I fear broken bones because I fear the pain it would bring to my earthly body.
I fear confrontation because it threatens the relationships I hold so dear.
I fear romance---well, for two reasons really, I fear that I may never experience it, and I fear myself for all the reasons I mentioned before.
So really, my fears are all based on my own fleshly, earthly affections. The only true thing I have to be afraid of is the condition of my soul, and because I know that my hope is in Heaven and my salvation is secure, I have nothing to fear.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is not fiction. this is my story, but this is reality. I have the free will to choose my own plot, but I am not in control. And I cannot change my story once it's been written, nor can I abandon it and start over. This is the only story I am going to get. And the people in my story are real. I cannot mess around with them like the characters in my fictitious scribblings. This is real and its all I am going to get. I have to make the most of it and not waste it or mess it up.
Here there is no delete, no backspace, no eraser. Its all forward from here. I have one chance to write this correctly. God, help me not blow it.

~Hannah

"Incompleteness is not the result of being single, but of not being full of Jesus. Only in the process of reckless abandonment to Jesus does any woman ever finally understand that, in Him, she is complete. When two 'incomplete' singles get married, their union will not make them complete. Their marriage will be simply two 'incomplete' people trying to find completeness in one another. Only when they understand that their fullness is found in a relationship with Jesus will they ever begin to complement one another. They can never complete one another. You were not created to complete one another, but to complement. Completion is Jesus' responsibility and complementing is a woman's privilege. A woman not complete in Jesus will be a drain on her husband. Such a woman will expect her husband to fill the gap that only Jesus can fill. Only the single woman who understands this means of being complete in Jesus is mature enough to be a helpmeet (complement).
"...Are you feeling full yet? Ask the Lord right now to begin this process of revealing yo your heart the reality of your fullness in Him. 'But it is good for me to draw near to God...' (Psalm 73:28a KJV)."

So I wrote this a couple months ago, and just finally got around to posting it. :D Back story: I have a huge heart for adoption and have dreamt several times about a little girl. She's always the same...about 2 years old and blonde. I never know her name, but I know that I've adopted her. So this was something I wrote to my unknown little girl...


My Little Darling
By Hannah McMichael
4-19-11

Somewhere
A baby girl cries cause there’s no one to hold her
She falls asleep unloved and alone
Two brilliant eyes clouded with tears
All for just wanting to be loved and home
I wish I could reach her
And say to her heart…

My little darling
I will find you someday
I will hold you in my arms
And I will know your name
Hold on, my sweet love
I promise I’ll find you
I will bring you home
My little darling, someday