Hannah's Heartstrings

Everything is an extreme.
Black and white.
There are no grey areas. And if you think its a grey area, its probably sin.
You can't walk the fence. You're either all in or all out.

Or at least that's what we've believed.

We had good intentions. We started out well. We saw what we didn't want and decided that the best thing to do was to run in the opposite direction. Logically, biblically, morally...that's what you're supposed to do, right?
Because who would ever think that extreme goo could in any was be wrong? That's like saying that extreme wrong can in some way be good. Right?

Oh yes. We had good intentions. But how did we get so messed up along the way?

We just went too far.

We took beautiful things and pushed them to a limit that made them sickening. We took things that should have been admirable and made them in to something people scoff at and are disgusted by.

We made a heart into something that could be given away in bits, never to be restored, and we were warned to avoid any emotional romantic attachments until we found "the one".

We turned homeschooling into something that sheltered and cloistered our children from the world, in an attempt to protect them from the world instead of a way to teach them how to deal with it.

We took sex and made it scary. We took any type of physical contact with the opposite sex and made it so forbidden that many of us were pretty freaked out when our wedding night rolled around.

We took "honor thy father and mother" and made it into "thou shalt not make any big decisions, especially concerning relationships, without our permission until you are married, at which point you will suddenly be forced to make all big decisions."

We turned modesty into an obnoxious declaration of holiness.

These are just a few examples.

We made things into sin that never should have been, and turned our lives into one big guilt trip.

This is what we did.
Now look at where we are.

Articles are popping up all over the internet, refuting the practices and beliefs we worked so long to define. Whole websites have been devoted to telling the stories of the young men and women who now bear the scars inflicted by the extremes of the homeschool/conservative/quiverful/ATI/etc., movements. Kids that grew up in our little worlds are now adults, facing a whole new set of extremes. We are either falling apart, washing away our guilt with various addictions and/or turning so far in the opposite direction that we are nearly unrecognizable. Or we are standing as if frozen, wondering what to do with ourselves. As I recently related to a friend, we know that we can't repeat the past, but we aren't sure what to do with our futures.

We need a happy medium.

We need a way to go back to our original intentions without screwing them up. We need to find a place in our hearts that views homeschooling as a better education option, not a cult lifestyle...a place that is comfortable talking about sex and communicating it as the beautiful marriage thing it really is...a place where modesty really is a heart issue...a place where there are grey areas, and where grace is applied. 

We must learn to be real.
Normal.
Comfortable.
Gracious.

We have to stop freaking out, calm down, give ourselves a break and see if we can make these things beautiful again.

For the sake of future generations, its worth a shot.

Dear Music, Magazines, Celebrities, Advertisements, Movies, and anything having to do with American culture...

Dear World-as-we-know-it...

Please stop.

Please stop telling people, especially the young ones, that drugs, tobacco and alcohol are okay. Because they aren't. I'm so tired of seeing the lives of the people I love ruined, or at the very least, damaged by these addictive substances. You keep playing it all up as the cool thing to do. You give them a sparkling fantasy, a fun way to bond with friends, something to numb whatever feelings they don't want at the moment. You give them an answer, but you don't even know the question.

Please stop telling people that its okay to have sex with whomever suits your fancy. Stop saying that its okay to do it casually, that its just a natural part of life and should be treated with no more reverence than a handshake. You are ruining the real beauty, and leaving people even more heartbroken than they were. Quit making beautiful things like sex so common.

Why do you hurt everything that is good? You take something good and innocent, and you twist it into a dark, perverted mass that can no longer enjoy the real beauty.

All you do is lie. You tell them that its all okay, its all good, enjoy, have fun. And then they tell me that I have to be okay with their choices. I'm not. I will never stop loving them, but I will never be okay with your lies which they have accepted as truth.

My heart is breaking. And its all your fault.

To my friend.

I'm waiting.

Remember that scene in Fireproof when all he can do is wait? He's done everything, and now all he can do is pray, hope and wait for some kind of a response from his wife. He knows he may never get one. But still he waits. Patient. Aching. Hopeful.

I know how that feels.

I remember doing a lot of waiting during my single years. Waiting to meet someone. Waiting and hoping to see if that person reciprocated interest. Waiting to see if this was the right person. Getting let down when it wasn't. I cannot explain the relief I felt on my wedding day. That's right. I was relieved. I had found my love, and he was truly and completely mine. I didn't have to wait to have him anymore.

But that's not the kind of waiting I'm doing right now.

I'm waiting for you.

I've reached out again, attempting to reenter your world. Inviting you back into mine.

Perhaps its just my personality. But I am having a hard time letting you go. I've been told I should. People come and go in our lives all the time, and we have to learn to let people go. But I'm not ready to do that with you. I thought I was. But the ache in my heart won't go away, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm over it.

You were my friend. My sister. We shared such a sweet bond. How can I just let that go?

If you tell me that this is futile, that you can never and will never forgive me, then I will let go once and for all. But I need something. Anything.

So for now...

...I'm waiting.

You really have no idea how ecstatically excited I am about this. I mean, literally, I almost cried when it was finished, and I jumped and danced around the kitchen for a good fifteen minutes after taking the first bite.

I am just elated over this.

I have not had pumpkin pie for over four years.


This year, I was determined to figure out how to make it so I could eat it.

It started with putting some pumpkin puree in a smoothie. Hey that was pretty good...with some pumpkin pie spice, it tasted like pie. The hankering has begun.

I read up on some other recipes for super vegan pies based with nuts and coconut milk/butter/oil. So I took bits and pieces of different ideas, plus one or two of my own...and this happened.


I soaked 1 cup of raw cashews overnight, and then pulverized them in my Magic Bullet.


Then I added about 1/2 cup of pumpkin puree, 1-2 TBSP of warm, melty coconut butter, and sweetened with stevia.

That's the filling.

The Crust: I pulverized some almonds (enough to make about 1/2-3/4 cup of course flour), added stevia to sweeten and 1-2 TBSP of warm coconut oil and a little scoop of coconut oil to help it harden up better.



I smooshed the crust mixture into the bottom of my springform pan. So really, this is more of a pumpkin cheesecake than a pie. But anyways. That's what I did.

Poured in the filling...



...and let it sit in the fridge for a couple hours. Really, because of the nature of coconut butter/oil, only an hour or so of refrigeration is needed. Its awesome. So quick and easy!!

And there you have it. The best, most happiest thing I have tasted in my whole life. Well, at least in the past four years. Well, one of the best... :)

{Warning: This is a rant. This is not pointed at anyone in particular. This is simply how I feel and what I am never able to say to people.)


It would be a gross understatement to say that food is a big part of my life. Sometimes I feel that food IS my life. Figuring out what to eat, shopping for it, preparing, learning new ways to make the best of what I have. And having a good attitude about it.

For those that may not know, I live on a diet made up of vegetables, nuts, beans and a small bit of fruit. And that’s it. I’ve been working on this diet for over four years. I have eliminated all of the following: wheat, gluten, grains of any sort (including rice and oats), caffeine, corn, sugar, all artificial colorings and sweeteners, potatoes, squash (with the exception of pumpkin), chocolate, soy and most vinegars.

It’s part of my journey to cure myself from a form of what I have come to call hormonal and diet-related epilepsy.

Its always interesting to tell people about my food life and what I do or don’t eat. They tend to stare at me, jaw dropped and eyes blinking, as if they can’t possibly imagine how someone could eat like I do. Then the questions come and unbelief deepens, especially when I tell then I never, ever cheat.

I think a lot more than I say, most of the time. I bite my tongue a lot, and simply just shake my head or shrug my shoulders.

I try so hard not to be a “food snob”, or get irritated with people. But sometimes…

This is what I’m really thinking.

“So, you’re like a celiac? My {insert random family member} is celiac and its so hard knowing what to feed her!”

Yes and no. I don’t label myself that because its so much more than that. I don’t have the common symptoms a true celiac does.

I also do not follow the popular “gluten free” diet. That diet is based on the common gluten free grain: CORN. Which in most cases is genetically modified. And even if it is organic, its still going to cause a ton of inflammation. AND odds are your awesome gluten free food is laced with extra sugar to make it taste better. Going gluten free the way a lot of people do it is a lose-lose situation.

You don’t know what to feed your celiac friend? Hello. Get out of the mindset that every meal has to have some sort of pasta, bread, muffin, cookie or other grain based object in it! Get some veggies, even potatoes and rice, and you’ll all be better off.

“You can’t eat bread or pasta or potatoes??? What do you eat??”

Man. You say that like there literally is nothing else to eat in the world. I hope you realize there are other foods than that!

And didn’t I just tell you? I eat VEGETABLES (lots of them), NUTS, BEANS and some fruit. Its really amazing how full you can get from those foods, and how many things you can do with them. Quit thinking of a salad as a side dish. Quit thinking of nuts as a snack. The difference between you and me is that I don’t fill my stomach with empty calories. My body benefits from every single bite of food I eat. There is nothing I eat that I can’t tell you has some sort of nutritional health benefit. Unlike your bowl of cheesy pasta, which has very little value and is probably just going to give you inflammation…which in turn will make you go to your doctor and he’ll diagnose you with arthritis and give you a whole lotta blah-blah-blah unless he’s smart and he’ll tell you to just back off the pasta. Simple.

I eat more and better food than you likely will ever imagine eating. I am not lacking. I am not hungry. I don’t struggle with excessive weight gain like you do. On top of that I have better willpower and self control than you will probably ever have because I have to. I CHOOSE TO.

“I don’t think I could ever eat like that! I couldn’t give up {insert favorite fatty food}!!”

Get over yourself. You could eat like that. People don’t die from a lack of pizza, potato chips and ice cream. Actually people would live longer and have much better quality of life if they did eliminate those foods!

How about this…just don’t even go here with me. Don’t tell me you “can’t” give up or live without some favorite food. You’re just being a big whiny child. If you’re going to say anything to me about this, just come out and admit you just have bad willpower and just don’t want to not eat what you want to eat. I’ll have more respect for that than  “I can’t live without…”

There are only a few things in this world necessary to your survival. Water, nourishment, a way to keep warm, a roof over your head. Everything else is a luxury. Everything you say you couldn’t live without is purely for your enjoyment and has nothing to do with your survival.

“You should go to an allergist and get checked out and find out what you’re allergic to. Then maybe you could have some of those foods again!”

Um…I had seizures. And when I eliminated foods, I stopped having them. When I eat certain things, especially during certain times of the month, I am prone to having seizures. Don’t you think that’s test enough??

Just because I’ve never gone to a doctor doesn’t mean I don’t know how to heal myself. Quit treating your doctor like a god. He is not the be-all-end-all of health. Maybe if you quit depending on him so much and started learning and studying for yourself, you wouldn’t be in his office as much.

And do I LOOK like I’m lacking? I am a well proportioned twenty-four year old woman whose only health need at this point is to exercise a little more (there I’ll admit that one). I’m definitely not malnourished. I never go hungry. The food I eat is amazing. So tell me again how I’m suffering from not eating the foods you think are so important?

“Here, you want a {insert food}? Oh wait…sorry…you can’t have that.”

Yeah. Thanks for reminding me again of how I can no longer participate in the world-wide tradition of bonding with my loved ones over all our favorite foods.

Thanks for reminding me that smell is now my only connection with all the seasonal favorites such as hot cocoa, pumpkin pie, Christmas cookies, and Thanksgiving turkey.

Thanks for reminding me of the nervousness that comes from serving someone food I’ve made for them because I can’t taste it to know if its good or not.

Thanks for reminding me that I have to stand on the sidelines and watch everyone else eat my birthday cake.

Thanks for reminding me that I can’t go out for ice cream with my husband, or meet a friend for coffee, or eat at most of the restaurants in town.

Thanks for reminding me that this is my life.

Yeah. That’s sarcasm.


This has turned into a longer rant than I expected. If you’ve actually made it through all that, then I applaud you.

Despite my generally positive attitude about my food life, I have days just like the rest of you where I get frustrated and discouraged. I have literally blocked most food options from my brain and only ever allow myself to think about eating what I know is good for me. That is how I get through cooking for my husband or anyone else. I don’t give myself the option of eating “normal” food. My only choice…the only one I give myself…is what is on my short list. Period.

But then there are the days. Someone makes a comment, whether uneducated, unfeeling, or just out of the embarrassment of not being able to feed me whatever they’ve prepared. And those comments pile up in my heart and remind me of what I’m missing. While everyone else is gushing over how wonderful something tastes, I just have to stand and smile. While everyone is celebrating with a birthday cake or holiday meal, I just have to sit there and wait, wishing everyone would eat faster so this meal would be over sooner.

But I’m fine. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it absolutely doesn’t bother me. Because of the food life I have come to claim as mine, I’m strong enough to handle people and their half-thought-out comments and actions. Because of what I go through on a daily basis, I choose not to let it bother me. But everyone needs to vent sometimes.

Stop feeling sorry for me. Eat your food, enjoy it, be happy, whatever. And let me do the same. Try being happy for me, giving me a pat on the back, instead of mourning over the food I can’t eat. I don’t sit around moping and whining because I can‘t eat the same food as everyone else…so why should you?

Quit pitying me. I need your encouragement, not your pity. I’m better off and healthier than you are anyways.

Marriage is about love. Love and family and equality. Love, love, love. All we need is love.

Or so they say.

You know who ‘they’ are. They are the ones whose ‘pride’ we are forced to tolerate, meanwhile anything that offends them is quickly silenced or sentenced. That’s pretty irritating, but what’s worse is the ideas they are sugar coating and hand feeding to the emotions of anyone that will listen.

Love is all you need, they say.

They’re wrong. And there will never come a time when they will cease being wrong.

If love was all we needed, then life would be easy. Loving would be easier. Love wouldn’t die or fade. Love would be more than a feeling, and would be way more trustworthy.

Relationships based solely on love fail. Daily. People fall in love, marry without any other foundation, and when life falls apart and love had died in their hearts, they have nothing to fall back on. Living on love is selfish unless it has the right foundation.

Sure, love is great. But love by itself is shaky. Love needs other things in order to work properly.

I will love my husband for as long as I live. But if I can’t show him grace when he irritates me, be a servant to him when he tracks mud through my kitchen, satisfy and pleasure him even if I get nothing out of it, or be kind and patient with him through all the foibles of life…then my love means nothing.

The other side of this is that without love, my grace, patience, servitude, and kindness mean nothing if my heart is bitter against him. Without a right and loving attitude, those actions mean nothing.

Each thing by itself is shallow if the attitude and motive behind it is wrongly placed. It all works together, and together builds a beautiful foundation…one that God designed to last through the ages.

We need love. We need grace. We need forgiveness, kindness, patience, longsuffering. We need all of it.

I basically love anything Old Navy makes. Such comfy, stylish clothing! So I was really excited about the short grey tiered skirt I found in my bag of clothes to refashion.

So I recently discovered a bag of clothes in my parents' basement. My mom had been given them by a friend, but they were too big for her. She was just going to get rid of them. But I couldn't let them go that easily!

So many pretty things...and all about 3-4 sizes too big for me.

So began the refashioning.

Let me start out by clarifying a few things.

With all my heart, I believe that marriage is a wonderful, beautiful and God-ordained institution. I believe it should be treasured, protected and fought for at all costs. I believe that relationships leading up to marriage should be held with a high level of importance, and that those who are not ready to enter into a marriage should really not be involving themselves in romantic relationships.

So yes. I have some high standards.

But something I’ve noticed keeps bugging me.

The courtship versus dating battle keeps on raging, although it seems with not quite as much rage as in years past. The conservative Christian community insists that courtship is the Biblical alternative to dating, and in many ways, they are still right. For all of the reasons I stated before, courtship appears, on the outside, to be what every Christian should be striving for in their romantic conquests. At its basic definition, courtship is the way to go. No doubt.

But like so many other things that we conservative Christian people, especially in the home school community, have taken and run with…we’ve messed it up. So badly that many of our peers are turning away from it with a holy vengeance, swearing that it ruined their lives. Why?

I think its because of how courtship is presented nowadays, and how we’ve got it stuck in our minds.

What I’ve noticed is that there is far too much hype over courtship. Someone who is adamant about courtship and preaches it faithfully, when they finally do enter into it themselves, make the biggest deal out of it. A celebration is called for! Blessings abound! Pictures are taken! Oh, but don’t get too close cause you’re not married yet, even though with all the fluff and fuss, you’d think they were! And so begins your time of getting to know each other, odds are with complete parental supervision (including all messages and conversations), and so much rejoicing over this wonderful relationship.

And then…something happens.

Maybe it’s a truth that comes out, a reality that sinks in, or a personality trait that one didn’t see before. Maybe it’s a belief system, or an opinion about child rearing. Whatever the reason, the relationship goes south, and subsequently ends.

Everyone, but especially the girl in this party, is brokenhearted. Here’s just hoping it didn’t end badly and that the couple can still be friends afterward. All in all, there are still hurt feelings and place in your heart that you pray will be healed so you can move on. Everyone is so surprised. They never saw it coming. Heck, your parents and siblings probably had their wedding outfits picked out already, and were wondering what you were going to name your kids. And odds are, if more than a couple months had passed, you were already wondering the same thing…when and how is he gonna propose?!?

Hold on.

I think this is where we messed it up.

This is COURTSHIP, people. Not a wedding.

Courtship is time when two people who are actively pursuing a marriage relationship can get to know each other on a personal basis to determine whether they are a good fit for each other or not. They can discuss beliefs, opinions, desires, dreams, and ultimately learn as much as they can about each other before taking the step into getting married.

That’s what courtship is.

Courtship is NOT a guarantee for an engagement ring.

Courtship is NOT an assurance that you’ve found the one with whom you want to be with for the rest of your life.

Courtship is NOT a free ticket to a wedding.

But we sure do treat it like it is!

Yes, I do believe that entering a relationship with someone should be taken seriously. I mean, this is someone’s life you are messing with, so you want to be sure that, if everything checks out, this relationship could be something that you would be willing to consummate. It is an exciting time. I mean, its not every day that you find someone whom you genuinely admire and can see yourself (ohmygosh) marrying! And the falling in love part is a-stinkin-mazing, just for the record.

But I think we would do well to tone down the excitement and hype just a tad, so that we are not so shocked and devastated when these things end.

Being in a relationship with someone does not instantly mean that you are going to be planning a wedding in a year or two. We females, especially, have this stuck in our brains. Its no surprise since it is ingrained in our very nature to be relational beings, to crave that sort of relationship and long so deeply for a man to fall in love with us. Its not a bad thing. Really. Its just bad when we make such a big deal about it.

You know what would be really great? To see a meshing of two worlds. To see the serious and the chill coming together. What do you think would happen if we placed the seriousness of courtship with the relaxed, at ease attitude of dating? Probably a culture clash that would result in a full-scale war carried out in vehement Facebook comments and blog posts. But I think you get what I’m saying here.

People in the dating realm spend so much time getting to know each other with very little commitment and a relationship that can easily be broken off. People in the courtship realm spend far less time getting to know each other, but in a setting that demands full commitment and reaps horrid heart consequences if ends without a wedding.

It would just be kinda neat to see a little bit of both.

Call it dating, call it courtship. Call it betrothal for all I care. Whatever label you put on it, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing (did ya get that? That was one of the many things my husband told me during our pre-marriage phase). Relationships are important, so make sure you are doing it for the right reason. If you’re doing it for fun and cause you’re attracted to someone, then maybe you need to step back and grow up some more. But if you are doing it because you genuinely desire to find out if this person is the one you want to marry, then my suggestion would be to just…

…CHILL.

Some time ago (over two and a half years ago, in fact), I posted about saving my first kiss for marriage. This post came about three months before I met the man who would become my husband and ultimately change my life forever. It is very interesting to now step back and see just how much I have changed since then…and how my personal experiences have played out compared to how I planned them as a teenager.

At the time of that posting, my friend Jason challenged me that people who made such a declaration were being prideful. In a bad way. I’ll admit I was a little more than a bit offended and came back with a cunning explanation that my declaration of saving my first kiss for my wedding day was a matter of conviction, not pride.

Mmm-hmm.

A year prior to my kissing post, I wrote a very poignant article on the subject of avoiding certain popular books and movies due to their content. It was mostly about Twilight, but I touched on others such as Harry Potter and High School Musical. I must admit…I was brilliant. It was a really good article. This part in particular hit me when I went back to read it again:
“…The last point I mentioned is one particular reason that I refuse to be a part of any Twilight camp. It’s the same reason I’ve never watched High School Musical, Hannah Montana, Harry Potter, or any of the other popular secular infatuations. Obsession with anything but God is wrong. Passion about anything that does not somehow bring glory to God is dangerous. And indulging in something so demonic and so far from God as Twilight is sickening.
“I believe this with my whole heart, and am cautioning my dear brothers and sisters in Christ to think and pray very hard, and to examine the true motives of their hearts before reading or watching Twilight. We are called to be lights in this world and reflections of our Savior. Is Twilight so beneficial to this calling? Is it so necessary to fill our hearts with such a vile concoction, merely for the ability to discredit it or argue about it?”
Wow. I know, right? For a twenty year old, I really had it going! I’m only being just slightly sarcastic here, because in truth, you gotta at least give me the credit of being firm in what I believed, standing my ground, and speaking out for what I thought was right.

I’m not here to bash my past self and say how stupid I was and how my eyes have been opened to the real world and all that blah-blah that usually happens when a homeschooled, Christian kid gets out into life and has a taste of (dare I say?) rebellion.

I am here to say that I’ve learned a lot over the past 3-4 years.

I’m also here to say that the reasons behind my convictions at those points in the past are still the same.

I did get kissed. By my fiancee. Before we were married. Only my brother and his dad knew about it until after the wedding, and it was the sweetest thing in the entire world. Its literally how we got engaged. We had been talking about getting engaged, and when the night finally came that we made the decision, Kyle whispered to me, “If I kiss you, you’ll know its official.” You see, our kiss was important. It was so important that we wanted it to be between us, and only us. We were adults, and we had already gone through a lot as a couple. Most importantly, we wanted to be together. So we made it official with our first kiss. No fanfare or public display. It was just so perfectly us.

The reason behind that kiss was no different than if we had done it for the first time on our wedding day. The specialness and importance was still so evidently there. The timing and experience was all that was different.

I have watched Harry Potter, and am planning on reading the books. I have also watched High School Musical. The latter was simply for fun, and I have to admit I enjoyed the trilogy a whole lot. I have a weird weakness for that type of music. I still have not watched Twilight, and currently have no desire to, simply because I have better things to watch and it just doesn’t interest me right now. But I have a few things to say about Harry Potter.

I was just a little more than super impressed.

The story was brilliant, if a little strange at times. The characters were unique and lovable, and portrayed traits that we could all do well to learn from. They were courageous, undying loyal to those close to them, with real emotions, hopes and dreams. They stood up for what was right, and knew that some things were more important than even their own lives. They were admirable. And unforgettable. Just like a story should be.

And yet again…my reasoning is the same, though perhaps a little more well thought out than before. And perhaps some will call me a hypocrite for this, and for the kissing thing, but it wouldn’t be the first time, so it is what it is. I watched Harry Potter and High School Musical at a point in my life where I could handle it. I still don’t think young kids and even early teenagers should be allowed to pour over such fandoms, because it is too easy to get sucked in. I remembering being 12 years old and so obsessed with Anne of Green Gables that I could hardly think straight. Talk about being impressionable! The thing I liked most about being introduced to them at a later age was the fact that my days of mooning over and dreaming about such stories are over. Sure I will get emotional over stories…(like who didn’t cry when the Doctor says goodbye to Rose? Or what about that feeling when Ron and Hermoine FINALLY kiss? Or when Flynn Rider saves Rapunzel by cutting off her hair?!?!)…but I will cry over them like a normal girl, mop up my face and move on. The end. I’ve enjoyed it and appreciated it, and now there are other stories.

That’s called maturity people. Ok, well maybe sobbing over a Disney movie isn’t maturity. But knowing how to enjoy a story for what it is, pick out the good stuff and leave the rest…that’s maturity.

I’m still naïve. I will still continue to stick my foot in my mouth about seemingly everything that ever comes out of it. But by golly I will defend what I say to the death until something comes along that proves me otherwise! Oh the burden of being a stubborn little know-it-all. I may not know a thing about what I’m talking about, but at least I think I do and I will hold that stance till kingdom come. And there lies my biggest fault. Now you know.

And yet…maybe its not a fault. Maybe I’m just overly passionate. Maybe I just say things about what I believe and about my preferences in life that I should just keep to myself. For instance, just recently I got into a big Facebook married-women-group argument over a post I made about how I irritated I was with mothers who let their kids run rampant around stores and gave their kids a three-count option of obedience. Oh man…did I take some flack for that! A-hundred-and-sixty-some comments later, I was still the bad, judgmental, childless woman that had no idea what I was talking about and should learn to be more humble. Yeah…maybe I should have just kept that one to myself and spared myself the trouble.

The bottom line is this: I learn, but I learn slowly. So odds are I’ll keep saying things that I later will have to revisit because my experiences have given me a better perspective. Just bear with me.

I’ll get it eventually.

Life is always interesting.

I ended up crashing with a cold that has been circulating Kyle's family since July. Took its good old time getting to me, but alas it caught up to me and thankfully I had the weekend off to fight the worst of it.

I do have a point to saying this, other than just complaining. I have noticed over the past few months that I have the tendency to bruise easily. Like, really easily. Doesn't take much of a bump to give me a nasty looking bruise. So I read up on that, and it turns out that one of the main causes of bruising easily is a lack of Vitamin C. Which explains a lot since, with my diet the way it is, I eat very little fruit. I try to drink lots of lemon water and eat plenty of carrots and other veggies, but I guess maybe its just hard to take the place of stuff like apples and oranges?

Well, over the weekend I started taking a powdered Vitamin C supplement. I really upped my intake of it to try to kill the bad sicky germ in me. It helped that cause, but I also noticed that within about 48 hours of upping my Vitamin C intake by supplement, two good sized bruises on my leg had completely disappeared.

So that proves that theory! Now the challenge will be how to get more Vitamin C in me without always taking a supplement. Hmm...

This weekend was made even more interesting by my husband breaking his collar bone on Sunday. Yep. snapped it clean in two. Makes my stomach turn every time I think about it. So after a quick trip to the ER, he will be spending the next six weeks in a back/shoulder sling and learning how to do almost everything with his left arm.

Being the health nut that I am, I instantly got him started him two homeopathic remedies, rubbed him with arnica gel and even got him to let put French Green Clay on the spot where its broken once so far to help with inflammation and to try to draw the bones back together. My mom reminded me that homeopathic remedies are the only natural medicines that do not interfere with conventional medication, since the doctor gave him some Motrin and Vicodin to help with the pain. I'm not sure yet if what I'm doing is helping any, but its neat to try and I'm thankful he's willing to let me experiment on him!

And now for the best part. I've reinvented Dandy Candy.

Dandy Candy originally came from the La Leche League's "Whole Foods for the Whole Family" cookbook. The old one. I don't believe its in the new one. But its one of the best, easiest treats and kids always love making it. It basically consists of peanut butter, powdered milk and honey, and then you could roll it into balls and add whatever sort of additions you liked. stick them in the fridge and BANG. Dessert. Or breakfast. Or lunch.

But lately I've been missing such delicacies. Since honey and powdered milk are out of the question, I decided to come up with something better. And boy, did I ever! I have created the best possible treat in the whole world.

100% vegan, gluten free, soy free, sugar free, grain free, non-chocolate, no caffeine, dairy or eggs. What more could you want?

To my future children, and the currently growing up generation of kids and teenagers,

Welcome.

You are taking your first steps into the world of adulthood, where you will ultimately spend most of your life, if you live long enough. It can be scary here. There are huge responsibilities, bills that are due, people that are mean and don’t care about you, a government that desires to drain the life out of you, super early mornings, and no excuses. You will probably hate it some days, but I can bet not as much as you think you hate your childhood and teenage years.

Childhood is fun. There are so many things you can get away with as a kid that you can’t as an adult. You have fewer responsibilities, more imagination, and the chance to make a really good start in life. You have friends to play with, all your basic necessities like food and clothing just appear, you don’t have to worry about money, and you have no idea that your parents are bending over backwards to give you a good life.

But sometimes all you can think about is that fact that your parents won’t get off your back. They never leave you alone, always wonder what you’re doing, who you’re with, where you’re going, what your grades are like, why you didn’t take out the trash, and making rules you just can’t help but groan about. Can’t they ever just give you a break?

Here is a little message from someone who has been-there-done-that: I hope they don’t.


I hope you remember your childhood and teen years as the most awkward, uncomfortable stage of your life.

I hope your parents are seemingly on you about *everything*, and make you earn your spot in the land of maturity and responsibility.

I hope you know the feeling of wanting to crawl in a hole because your mom embarrasses you in front your friends.

I hope your parents don’t give you the iPod you asked for, and instead make you go outside and play in the dirt like a normal, healthy ten-year-old should.

I hope you get a package of underwear for Christmas, and blush seven different shades of red  when you open it.

I hope your mom takes pictures of you running through the house as a naked toddler, and of the first time you pooped in the toilet while being potty trained. And then shows them to prospective love interests.

I hope your dad calls you out of  group of friends to admonish you about something you are doing, and then makes you sit on the sidelines or, even worse, go tell your friends you aren’t allowed to participate in said activity.

I hope you get spanked.

I hope your parents make you wait till certain ages/milestones to do certain things. Like, you can do this when you are this age or reach this goal. You can have a phone when you have a job. You can go out with your friends when you have a car that you pay for. You can date when you’re a hundred.

I hope that, when your mom or dad sit down to talk to you about relationships, sex and your changing body, you squirm and blush and pray for it to be over soon, but I also hope you take a second to realize that they are as uncomfortable as you are.

I hope you are nervous about the way you look, nervous about your first day of school or work, nervous about talking to your crush, nervous about an important test, nervous about telling your parents something important to you. I hope your heart pounds in your ears and that you break out into a cold sweat. I hope that you stayed up late the night before thinking. I hope you know what that’s like.

I hope someone teases you. Like, really makes fun of you, because that will give you chance like no other to learn the meaning of grace and forgiveness.

I hope your parents instill in you a love of books. Real books. Not Kindles or ebooks. Not even audio books.  Real paper books. I hope they take you to the library and let you check out a couple dozen and that you finish them before they are due back.

I hope you have to eat things you don’t like, and are made to do every menial household task possible. I hope your chores include cleaning toilets, doing laundry, mopping floors, dusting and vacuuming, mowing the yard, pulling weeds and babysitting your younger siblings. And what’s more, I hope there are consequences for neglecting those chores…ones that you really hate.

I hope you have to sit through parental lectures that you will never appreciate until you get older. I hope you sit there, just slightly angry, not wanting to listen but paying attention enough to answer questions if needed. I hope you are hugged and sent to your room after, and that you sit there in the quiet thinking about every word.

I hope your parents make you do awkward things that absolutely kill you, like say hello to people, shake the hand of an adult, apologize to people of all ages when you do something wrong, answer questions when you are asked. I hope they teach you how to hold up a conversation with anyone, and how to be polite.

I hope you have disappointments and learn how to deal with them. I hope that the party you were looking forward to gets canceled because someone gets sick, and that your family has to leave your favorite restaurant because your little brother is misbehaving.

I hope you are forced to make do with what you have even when your friends seem to have everything. I  hope  you know what its like to have a limited amount of money and I really hope you learn to appreciate hand-me-down clothing.

I hope you have lots of uncomfortable moments, because those are what shape you.

Life is hard. People are mean. You will be hurt, disappointed, let down, broken hearted, disrespected, misunderstood, shamed and hated, especially if you live a life drenched in God’s Word and glorifying to Him.

We can’t grow up in a world where everything is fine and goes our way only to enter an adult world where it doesn’t. We have to learn that we can’t just pitch a fit and turn up the drama when life hits us hard. Those awkward, uncomfortable moments are what will ultimately teach you patience, contentment and grace. You won’t understand it until you get older, and until you are able to see your younger years from an outside point of view. Everything looks miserable when you are smack dab in the middle of it,  but take a look from another perspective and you can see how good it really is. Or maybe it isn’t good, but somehow, its useful. You can use it somewhere in your life. If nothing else, you will learn how to avoid uncomfortable situations in the future…or at least get out of them gracefully!

So yes, my wish for you in life is that you are given such opportunities. Wishing that life will be easy and comfortable for you is the most unrealistic thing ever. And besides, that wouldn’t be fair to every other person in the world that has ever made it to adulthood.


{Yes, those are pictures of my childhood. :) }

Ok. So, I am very much a tightwad, so things like yard sales and thrift stores absolutely thrill me. I mean, where else can you find such treasure for such amazing prices? Its like Christmas for adults!

I’ve learned a lot of tricks for maximizing yard sale potential over the past few years. My mom and I have developed quite the extensive theory about the best yard sale hunting. We amused my in-laws one day by going through our whole process, which made for quite the interesting conversation.

I realize that yard sale season will be over soon, and there aren’t too many really good weeks left for it. But this is pretty good information and I’m excited to share it with you!

Now, you may be thinking, “What’s so in depth about yard sale?” Its not really that it in depth. But there are just some things to make the whole buying and selling experience better.

So here goes.

Sellers

-Advertise well. Put your signs up for several miles in various directions, pointing from major roads and with clear direction to where your sale is. The further out and more well advertised your sale is, the more likely I am to show up. Don’t be afraid to use Craigslist to get the word out too. Most of the best sales I’ve found have been because of Craigslist. Good advertising makes me believe that you have something worth me coming to look at.

-Price your items! This is crucial. If I go to a sale and nothing has prices on it, I’ll leave. The worst thing you can say to me is “Nothing has prices, so just make me an offer.” Uh-uh, you don’t want me to do that. Cause you apparently think your stuff is priceless (pun intended), and all I see is junk. I’ll make you an offer, but you likely will be offended. Unless I see some thing really amazing that I really want, I won’t suggest a price cause its just not worth it to me.
So get some stickers or pieces of masking tape and think up some prices. If you have big ticket items, be open to negotiation. But at least give your customers something to work with.

-Price reasonably. I’ve been known to turn around and leave sales that are priced ridiculously. Take into consideration that your stuff is second hand, and unless you are selling brand spanking new stuff, don’t expect to make a huge profit.
Clothing is the biggest one. T-shirts and tank tops should be $.25-50, no higher than $.75 for ones in top condition. Button-up tops, skirts, dresses and jeans in excellent condition should be no more than $1, but if they are new with tags, no more than $3.
VHS tapes, books, cassettes, coloring books, notebooks, and toys should be $.25 or under, and no more than $.50 for ones in excellent condition.
With other random household items, consider how much they have been used, how old they are, if they are out of date, missing pieces, dusty, smell bad or just look weird, and then price wisely. It does not matter to your customers who got it for you, how cool you think it is, if you think its an antique, or especially how much you paid for it. All they care about is the fact that its not new anymore, and whether or not they can get good use out of it.
Bedding, blankets, towels and pillows are tough, because I personally would never buy them second hand unless they were new with tags. So if you are brave enough to try selling your old ones, good luck. Just price them cheap.
Furniture. Eh, that’s a tough one. If you’re going to sell it, please make sure its in good condition. And don’t charge too much for it. Sure if its brand new, go ahead and try to get $50-60 for that loveseat or dresser. But if its old, faded, got scratches or just…old…please keep it more like $10-20 depending on the size of the item. And be open to negotiation.

It’s second hand, people.

-Don’t “sell”. You are not a sales person. I do not want to hear how great your item is. If its that great, I will buy it. Guilt tripping me is not going to work. If you talk to me too much, other than passing remarks about the weather, odds are I will leave without buying anything.
Even more important: DO NOT follow me around. If I want to look at it I will look at it, and I would prefer to do it without you hovering over me.

-Take your signs down! When you are done with your sale, BE DONE. don’t keep advertising a sale that ended last summer just cause you’re lazy. And for heaven’s sake…if you absolutely must leave them up after your sale is over, PLEASE put a date on your sign so I don’t go following your breadcrumb trail to a sale that doesn’t exist anymore.

Now. Buyers. Your turn!

-Be prepared. Especially if you are making this an all day thing. Bottle of water, a snack, and most importantly a map or GPS. Unless you know the area really well, you’ll find places a lot easier if you have a little help. Carry with you a decent amount of change and small bills. Odds are you will go to ten different sales and pay for $1 worth of stuff at each, rather than one sale and pay for $10 worth of stuff immediately.

-Go early. If you want to see everything, start as soon as you can.

-Go late. Things may be more picked over, but a lot of times, people are more willing to discount their stuff on the Saturday of their sale than on the Thursday or Friday. If they are doing a multiple day sale, by the time that last day rolls around, their attitude has likely changed from “I have wonderful things
! Come buy them all and pay me lots of money!” to “Ohmygoodness I don’t care just take it!!”

-The Art of the Drive-by. You don’t have to stop at every sale. Some of them you can know if they are good or not just by driving by. I tend to look for tables with piles of clothes, small pieces of furniture, shoes and books, and if I don’t see anything like that, I generally won’t stop.
Most of the time I won’t stop if the sale is inside a house, either, but that’s just personal preference. I really don’t like walking through some stranger’s home. I did break that rule just recently because their sale was really well advertised and inviting, and I managed to score a bookshelf out of it, so sometimes it is worth it.

-Working the area. This goes with the Art of the Drive-by. Not to sound prejudiced or anything, but the area that you shop determines the quality of the stuff. The best places to go are subdivisions or nicer suburban or semi rural areas. If their house and yard are well kept, then odds are their items are too. Once you get more into the city and the cost of living goes down, the quality of the sales greatly lessens.

-Have a plan…and deviate. If you plan on making a day of it, search Craigslist or your local newspaper for some sales in your area. Try to map it out so you make somewhat of a loop, and then hit the road! Above all don’t be afraid to deviate. If you are on your way to a sale and see a sign for another one on the side of the road, go for it!

-Enough is enough. As with any shopping trip, know when you are done. Whether its by having spent your allotted amount of money, or simply by being tired and hungry, stop when you’re done. Don’t get too tired or else you’ll end up hating the experience.


Forgive me if I sound completely insane. I had a lot of fun writing this. And honestly, everything about it is exactly what I do when I go on a yard sale hunt!

So whether buying or selling, I hope you enjoy your next yard sale adventure. And hey…if you ever need a hunting buddy, call me up!!

Its been a good month. Well, month and a half now that I’m getting to writing this. The wedding went beautifully, the honeymoon was so much fun, and the beginning of our life after has been full of relaxing and enjoying spending lots of time together. And I've learned a few significant things.

I guess I could better say that I've been slowly learning these things over the past 2+ years of knowing Kyle. But they have become especially significant since being around him 24/7 for extended periods of time. Its so true that things start to feel different once you’re with someone all the time. Its one thing to go on a date, or even spend a few days in each others’ presence. But its another thing to live side by side and do everything you would normally do on an average daily basis together. 

Therefore, these are the things that have been heavily on my mind during our first month of marriage.



Being married is all about your perspective. Perspective is huge. Its easy to be nice to someone when you have stars and hearts flying around your head. But keeping that attitude when that person isn't listening, is grumpy, or is just having a bad day...yeah, that's when the challenge comes.
I can't control how my husband treats me. I cannot coerce or dictate his level of romance. I am the only one I can control. It is not up to me to make sure he is loving me enough or being romantic enough to me. My only job is to make sure I am seeing to his needs, loving on him enough, doing above and beyond for him.
My attitude is crucial. How I react and behave is the crux of everything. "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" said it best: "The man may be the head, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she likes." We women do not realize the power we possess.

For instance, if Kyle is playing a video game and I am bored and want him to spend time with me, I can do one of two things. 1) I can pout and act mad and whine that he isn't paying attention to me. Or... 2) I can take an interest in what he is doing, cuddle up next to him and watch him until he is done.  It's all my choice. Either be happy that he's there with me or whine and make myself miserable. After all, he's a guy and if there is nothing important to do at the moment, there's no reason why he shouldn't enjoy slaying  a few zombies. How I react totally determines the rest of our night.

Yes, obviously guys need to step up, be men, treat their wives beautifully, take care of us, and be our heroes. But not at our bidding. We are not to dictate their behavior towards us. We are only to focus on our behavior towards them and in doing so, invite and entice our knights in shining armor to play their part.

I've written before about applying grace. This falls along the same lines.



We don't have to be perfect. We don't have to have it all together. I don't need to stress out about little stupid things. In twenty years, I won't remember any of it anyways. Odds are, I won't remember that, a month after the wedding, we still didn't have our bed frame set up and there were still boxes of things that needed unpacked. I likely won't remember the amount of time I spent thinking about things I probably could have decided in a few minutes.

Odds are, I'll remember the little things I took advantage of. The way my wedding bouquet looked in that vase on the table. Getting into tickle fights and laughing so hard I could barely breathe. How excited we were the first few times I didn't have to leave the apartment at night to go back to his parents house, or when he could take me home from an event with him. Snuggling in front of a movie. The first bible conference we went together where we actually got to have our own room!! Those are the things I want to remember.

Things are probably going to get difficult. We aren't guaranteed an easy ride in life. All we can do is work hard, be faithful and kind to each other, deal in grace and make the best of every situation. This is our life and we choose how to live it. We have chosen, out of the millions of people on this planet, to spend our lives with each other. We could have picked other people. But no. I chose him and he chose me. We made our choices and now every day must live fulfilling the promises we made to each other.

It doesn't have to be hard. It goes back to that perspective thing. Your attitude is what makes things hard, for the most part. It may not be easy all the time. But it doesn't have to be miserable.

Oh Hello.

Its you.

I can tell you’re surprised to see me. You don’t say anything, barely a greeting, and quickly avert your eyes from mine. I would give you a hug, but I decide I probably shouldn't. You wouldn't like it.

I had hoped there would be a slight chance you’d be glad to see me. Just a glimmer, a smile, a sparkle in your eyes that let me know you still felt even the tiniest bit of love for me. But there’s nothing. Not even a hint. I am less than nothing to you. We are worse than strangers, for we can never become friends.

Do  you remember? Remember that time in your life when I meant something to you?

I remember.

I remember you saying I was your best friend. Your sister. You were the one I confided in and could pour my heart out to.

Your friendship was so important to me. You meant so much to me.

But maybe it wasn't really the friendship I thought it was. What was I really, to you, if you could throw me away that easily? Friends should be able to survive disagreements. It shouldn't be the means of ripping us apart forever.

I know we've established that we were both in the wrong. We both hurt each other. But I’m not here to dig up old scars. I've moved on. I've forgiven you. Honestly, I can’t even remember what the initial argument was about.

All I really want to say is how much I miss you.

I miss your voice, your laugh, the quirky things you’d do, your crazy opinions and thought patterns. I miss never really quite being able to figure you out, and feeling like I could be myself around you. I miss our adventures, our late night talks and giggly, squishy girl hugs.

I miss what I know will never be again.

This is the chance encounter that will likely never happen. These are the words I can never say, the letter I've written a thousand times in my mind that I will never send. The phone call neither of us would make. I would try. In a heartbeat I would pick up the phone and call you. But you've already deemed it pointless.

Okay, yes…losing you was for the best. I guess we needed separation. Perhaps we were too close. Now that I find myself with the husband of my dreams, I can see how our relationship may have interfered with my marriage. But still I wish it had been on better terms.

I wish you could forgive me. I wish that you could show me grace and try to understand me. I wish that reconciliation was an option in your heart.

I wish you could still love me.