Hannah's Heartstrings

I think I know so much. Whether by education or experience, I really think I'm quite smart. I can talk a good game, lead the pack when I need to, write words that sound downright Austenian, and make life look good.

But the more I think I know, the more clueless I become.

I read a lot. I stockpile bits of information in my brain, observing and studying, knowing that I'll need this information someday. I keep telling myself how wonderfully prepared I am for the future, that someday I will be more than able to handle marriage and motherhood.

But something deep beyond my knowing tells me I will never be as prepared as I think I am. At least, until I've walked that path.

I move towards each new step with complete confidence, courageous and sure of myself. But as I set my foot down, what I thought I knew is stripped away and I am left standing, naked and vulnerable, with nowhere to go but forward.

Things are rarely as I expect. No amount of preparedness could have readied me for reality.

Each step is different than the one before, and different from any other journey I've observed. I could read a million stories and never find one quite like mine.

I'm not saying preparation and knowledge are useless. Oh no. I'd be lost without them. But they only do me any good when I wait, take each step as it comes, stop trying to plan my life and be ultra-prepared for it, and add to my knowledge by each experience that I encounter.

I know where I stand and I know where I'm going (the general direction, anyways). And the more I know about it, the more I realize that's about all I know.

I don't know if any of you are wondering whether or not I am going to write about my relationship with Kyle. But if you are, this is for you.

I do not plan on sharing much publically about Kyle and me right now. I have two good and legit reasons, too. The first is that I do not want to give anyone reason to think things that aren't true, or jugde me wrongly, and sometimes staying quiet is the best thing to do. The second reason is that this is all so special, and the things in my heart are so tender and dear, there's really only one person I want to share them with.
Yes, sometimes all my warm fuzzies come bubbling out, and I have on occasion posted something lovey for the public. But I really seek to keep it private. For now anyways.

I'm sure the time will come when I will be more willing to share our story with the world. But for the time being, you may all reast assured that things are completely wonderful. I am deeply and madly in love. Kyle is the most amazing person in the world and I thank God every day for him.

And for those of you that are wondering "Who is this guy?"...Kyle Fellows is his name. He is an identical twin, a LCpl in the Marine Corps, and a preacher's kid. :) He has brown eyes that twinkle when he smiles and the coolest laugh. I met him at a Bible conference in Ohio on May 28, 2011. He is currently serving his second 7-month deployment in Afghanistan, and will be back home in July.

If you have any questions, things that you just can't help but be curious about, feel free to ask me personally! Lord knows I'm happy to talk about my fella...in private...

One parting thought. I have read many courtship books and stories and articles and discussions. But no words of man could have *ever* prepared me for the reality of all this. I may write my own book someday...

I have read stories from women whose men were overseas for six months to a year or more. They would talk about getting calls from their loves, seeing their faces on webcams, getting letters and any other form of contact as if it were the most incredible thing in the world. They gushed over the tiniest bit of contact or any little reminder of their love.

For the longest time, I didn't get it. Sure I thought it was cute and all. The romance of it touched my heart. But I didn't understand the depth of it.

I understand it now.

I know how one little message can make my heart sing for days. Just a few minutes of conversation feels like heaven. Days are counted and marked off, and every day that goes by is one day closer to homecoming.

I understand it now.

Everything matters. Everything.

I've written about how it takes a hero to truly capture a guy's heart. But in reading the comments on my post, and thinking further, I realized something was missing from my thoughts. Or rather the expression of my thoughts...the thought was there, I just forgot to say it.

It takes a hero to capture the heart of the girl. But what does it take to capture the heart of the hero?

We as girls have the tendency to forget the fact that guys have hearts too, and very tender ones at that. They are courageous and tough...and easily touched deeply, though different than girls are used to. We get caught up in the admiration of a man protecting a girl's heart, and while this *is* indeed admirable and right, what about the girl protecting the guy's heart? That thought is a little harder, since it is the man's job to protect. But I'm thinking there's something in this for the girl as well. Who's to say a girl's heart is the only one that needs protecting?

A man can be the hero of a woman's heart, but heroism is not a one way street. A woman has to want a hero. She has to need a hero. She has to be capture-able (you can still be a lady-in-waiting and not be hiding away in your tower). And above all, she has to be willing to capture his heart.

Men's hearts are tough, brave, kingly, visionary, and everything else they need to be men. But beyond that rough exterior is a soft, vulnerable, easily touched, easily broken center. It takes a heroine to see this.

It takes a heroine to capture, touch, nurture, protect and even fight for the heart of a hero. And it takes a silent, admiring heroine to keep that heart heroic.

I was first introduced to Pesto when my friend Michele C. gave us some with her homemade bread. We ate way too much of the wonderful stuff. :) As my diet changed over the past 2 years, I found that I could not eat Pesto in its original form (parmesan cheese, basil, garlic, olive oil, basil). So my mom discovered that our local Whole Foods Co-op (where she and my brother Charlie work) makes and sells a Spinach Pesto that was perfectly clean! She was able to get the recipe, and after a bit of tweaking, I came up with this recipe. It's ctill very true to the original, but my process is a bit different, and I always aim for a different texture and taste that what you would get at WFC.
But without further ado...here is the recipe for Spinach Pesto.


Spinach Pesto

Baby spinach
walnuts or almonds, chopped fine
garlic, fresh or powdered
lemon juice

I dearly love doing the themed blog carnivals that YLCF does from time to time. However I must say that this one had me stumped for a little bit. My passion? What am I most passionate about? And what's more, how do I communicate it?

The first two things that popped into my head were writing and photography. Two things I very much love.

Writing is like air for me. There are many days I feel I cannot live without writing *something*. I write what I cannot find the words to speak. I relieve stress and tension through forming letters with my pen or typing. I thrill at being able to describe my world, to pour out my heart, to share my thoughts and communicate with others. Yes, I am definitely passionate about writing.

Photography. Now there is a recently discovered love. Since I cannot draw or paint and at times words fail me, I needed a different avenue for capturing the beauty of the worl I see. I found the camera. Nothing fancy; just a slightly upscale Nikon point-and-shoot. Even in its simplicity, it opened a door for me. Suddenly all the things I could not describe were captured forever in still images. I could show the world the things I loved. I began to shadow other photographers and study their technique, hoping to perfect my own. I am still a work in progress, but yes, photography is a passion I possess.

Then I began to think about the other passions that fill my heart. Anyone who ever talks to me will know my passion for healthy food. My love for organics and my super-vegan status makes my life more than interesting where food is concerned and I'm always eager to share it with people. Then there's my love for dancing...I always wanted to take tap dancing or ballet as a child, but was far too shy to dare trying it. So when I was introduced to English Country Dancing---the kind I could to with a group of friends and never alone---I fell in love. I've learned anything I could of it and other forms of dance in the past three years and still don't know enough or experience it enough.
I suppose you could say traveling is a passion I have. Not much thrills me more than packing my bag and jetting off to some new place...so long as that place is filled with people I love. Maybe its the people that are my passion.

But none of this seems to answer my question. What am I *most* passionate about? Actually the answer lies a little deeper than the "things" that make my heart beat. It's the "Who" that makes these things worth being passionate about.

If you look at the tag cloud on my blog, you'll notice that the biggest tag is the one for GOD (next biggest is "poetry"). I love that.

Simply put, God is my biggest passion.

He permeates my writings, gives me words to write and in the reason I write.

He is the Creator of the beautiful things I see and wish to capture with my camera.

I've heard dance described as a form of worship, and I heartily agree. When my heart is so full of my Savior, my feet sometimes can't help but express it.

My love for healthy food stems from my need to heal my body of several very trying health problems, which, if left attended, have the tendency to interfere with being able to live a vibrant life in which I may serve and be a witness for Him. I need to be strong and through Him I can be.

I am most passionate about my God, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He is my all in all. He is the reason I can fill my life with all the other things and people that make my heart sing. With His help, He can shine through all I do in the small and glorious life that I have been privileged to live.

~Hannah McMichael

Deep in the heart of every girl, whether she admits it or not, she longs for a hero. She wants to be swept off her feet by the dashing, courageous prince charming. She wants to be the princess that her man will fight for. She wants to touch that brave and wild heart of gold with own tender, beautiful one.

Every girl wants a hero.

Nice guys are attractive at first. A girl is flattered by the man that is willing to lay down everything for her and trails her like a love-sick puppy. But something happens when a girl really listens and is honest with herself The man that captures her heart is the hero, the honest one that can stand on his own, can lead her lovingly and only lays his heart on the line, saying that is who he is, by God’s grace.

Despite what they all may say, every girl looks for a hero and every guy wants to be the hero she finds. It is written so deeply in our hearts that none of us can ever truly get away from it. Nice guys and nice girls are safe and good, but they are dying and shallow inside. The heroes are the ones we love and remember. They are who we all want to be and who we are really inside. We need heroism or else it would not permeate the stories we love.


Hannah McMichael
10-13-2011
Part of my thoughts on why Mr. Darcy of Pride and Prejudice is so popular.

"I've got my memories
Always in side of me
But I can't go back,
Back to how it was..."

It's all forward from here. So much has changed. I have changed. Where I've come from has shaped me into who I am now. But there's no going back. What was is past. This is now and this is beautiful.

"Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was..."

Some have tried to stop me, to prevent me from getting here. I've gone down the wrong paths and had to back up further than where I started. I've been blinded by false whispers disguised as truth, and waylaid by villians disguised as heroes.

"Created for a place I've never known...
This is home,
Now I'm finally where I belong...
This is home,
I've been searching for a place of my own
This is home..."

I always tried to imagine my story. How would it end? Who would still be in it? Where would I be? How would it begin? But this, I never could have imagined. Instructed in honesty, rescued by real heroes, lifted to my feet by the truest of companions, I've found where I belong. A place a never knew existed, people I never expected. This is home, indeed.

"I've got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset,
I'm gonna call it home..."

(Song lyrics from "This is Home" by Switchfoot)

~Hannah McMichael

It’s the silliness of his Facebook picture being one of you,
Knowing that you’re both counting the days ‘till you say “I do”.
It’s the missing, waiting and the longing that makes your heart sing,
And the look in his eyes that makes you proud to be the girl that wears his ring.

It’s the sound of his voice when he says your name along with “I love you”,
It’s the smile he gives you that lets you know this dream is coming true,
It’s the love you share that flows around every tiny little thing,
And remind you just how blessed you are to be the girl that wears his ring.

It’s your future with him that’s waiting, full and silent and untold,
It’s the promise that you’ll give him with a shiny band of gold
Knowing, with God, you’ll make it through whatever life may bring
By everyday remembering why you’re the girl that wears his ring.

(for Nicole Cason who will marry David Hegstad on June 2, 2012)
By Hannah McMichael
Sept. 28, 2011

“It is who you are, not just what you do.” –Reb Bradley

Josh Harris recently posted an article by Reb Bradley entitled “Homeschool Blindspots”. It has hit homeschool circles like wildfire. I was no exception to those that read it and reposted it.

I told my friend and Auntie Lisa that I felt empty after reading the article. I couldn’t explain it at first, but I felt drained, as if something was being pulled from me and I was desperately trying to hang on.

I realized that many of the things that Mr. Bradley was hitting on were things I had experienced in my own life. I was “sheltered” to an extent (no TV for a time, only listening to hymns, etc.). I related to the section on judging (I had quite the attitude against women who wore pants or anyone that wasn’t homeschooled during different seasons of my life). Several points he made hit me smack in the heart. He was making these things sound horrible and I was not ready to give them up. I lived some of that. That was a part of who I was and who I became. And when someone tries to tell me that that part of me was wrong, my defense goes up.

My childhood experience in the conservative homeschool world was near as severe as Reb Bradley described in his article. And I loved it. If I had to do it over again, I’d want to be raised exactly the same way. It molded me into the person I am today. And it’s a part of me that will always remain.

Homeschooling isn’t the problem. Being conservative isn’t the problem. Courtship isn’t the problem. The people are the problem! We get is stuck in our thick brains that one process or way of life is more holy than another and then can’t understand why someone in our family fall off the bandwagon.

It’s not the word that’s important. It’s the idea, the mindset. Nothing was ever wrong with wanting something better for our children. It only became wrong when we made idols of such words as homeschooling and courtship.

Let’s go back to why people first fought for the right to homeschool. They wanted to give their kids a better education, a better social life and a better opportunity to serve God than what they could find in the public or private schools.

Fast forward thirty years and that’s exactly what I want for my children, only I want for them a better homeschool experience than what I had. I don’t even know what that might be, maybe one without silly inside jokes or one with a different kind of social life. I don’t know, its just what I desire.

But that’s not important. The words matter little if God is not behind them. Arguing whether homeschooling is better or not, or if homeschoolers are damaged by sheltering or not, really is a waste of time.

I was glad that Reb Bradley ended his article with the answer to the “problems” be described: Win your child’s heart. Cultivate a relationship with each of them. Turn their hearts towards God, not toward a formula. Instill in them a love and desire for God’s word.

The rest is up to God. Give your children the tools they need and let them choose how to use them. Encourage, pray and leave the result up to him.


Hannah McMichael
September 14, 2011

As I look back through the pages of my life
I see pieces marked with joy and some with strife
The hurt seems to stand out so much further than I’d like
It never fully goes away, though I always wish it might

But then I see
Someone smiling at me

And in a moment I’d go back down every broken road
I’d relive all the places that I chose to go
Through every single year
I’d cry every single tear
There’s nothing I would change
Nothing I would rearrange
I’d go through every heartache, every let down, every doubt and fear
I would do it all again because it brought me here.

by Hannah McMichael
Sept. 4, 2011